[미스터 빈] Mr. Bean
DR. BEAN
By
Richard Curtis
And
Robin Driscoll
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM - DAY
A very grand room, with lots of wood and some very famous portraits
round the walls.
A group of grave gentlemen and gentlewomen. They are the trustees of
the National Gallery. LORD WALTON, a very grand man, sits at the
table head. To his right sits his assistant, GARETH. All are deep in
thought. LORD WALTON fidgets with a pencil on the table. He raises
his head as though about to speak. Everyone looks up expectantly.
And... LORD WALTON goes back to fidgeting. So does everyone else.
CUT TO:
CREDIT. POLYGRAM & WORKING TITLE PRESENT.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARD ROOM - DAY
The scene is as silent and static as we left it Last... then:
GARETH
I suppose we could just sack him.
CUT TO:
EXT. MR BEAN'S STREET. DAY
Mr BEAN comes out of his house, ready to face the world-
He walks up the street, tutting slightly at a 'NO PARKING' sign he
passes. The street is totally car-free except for a very visible lime
green mini. A policeman strolls by and glances down at a pair of legs
sticking out from under it, next to a toolbox. He moves on, satisfied
that someone is mending their car.
BEAN approaches the car and whips out the fake legs he left there. He
then unlocks the big padlock that secures the car door, pops the fake
legs inside, fiddles with something else in the back seat, and drives
away at a frightening speed with a smug look on his face.
The Theme Music - big and dramatic - begins, as do the rest of the
credits.
BEAN gaily motors on - then unexpectedly the sweeping theme tune jumps,
as if it has hit a scratch: the cinema audience should be worried
there's a sound fault.
BEAN comes to a street full of sleeping policemen ~ he goes at them at
quite a lick - and every time he shoots over one of the bumps, the
theme tune jumps violently.
BEAN looks a little annoyed into the back seat - we now see the cause
of the problem. Instead of having a car radio, BEAN has an old record
player strapped into the back seat, playing the theme tune.
On he drives, through empty streets - then JOLT - he's reached the
glorious familiarity of Central London, Big Ben and all - but heels
now in dreadful traffic.
Heels not happy. He looks to the left and sees a very thin alleyway.
He takes out a metal comb from his pocket and, using it like a
bomber's sight-line-checker, measures the front of his car and the
width of the alley. He 'S satisfied - does a 90-degree turn - and
shoots down the alley. It is such a perfect fit that sparks fly from
the door handles as they graze the walls.
But at the end of the alley, the traffic's just as bad. BEAN notices
he's outside Harrods. There's a tail-coated Security Guard at the
'front door. BEAN watches him stroll a bit down the street - and
takes his chance. He turns and drives straight through the double
doors, into the store.
2
INT. HARRODS. DAY.
BEAN and his car whizz through the ground floor, past perfume counters
and leather glove racks.
CUT TO a Security Guard. As he passes one of the counters, BEAN's
little car just shoots behind him. The Guard continues through the
Children's section there are giant elephants and teddies, children's
size cars, then two huge plastic tractors - and then, stock still,
strangely in harmony actually, the Lime Green Mini with BEAN in it.
The Guard walks straight past.
The moment he is gone, BEAN shoots off again - but, damn!, spies
another Guard and is forced to turn and drive down some very steep
stairs indeed. The theme song goes CRAZY as the record player jumps.
CUT TO:
6 people waiting at a gilded lift. They hear a strange sound, and
turn to see what it is. In fact, it's coming from inside the lift.
When the lift doors open, out shoots the Mini through the double doors
and back into the street.
3
EXT. KNIGHTSBRIDGE. DAY.
Out in the street, BEAN is faced by an accident. There are flashing
lights, a crumpled car, suggestions of hurt passengers. BEAN looks
concerned.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE STRAND. DAY.
An Ambulance roars through the traffic. It reaches its hospital,
turns off, and there, right smack behind it is the Mini. Cut in to
see BEAN, smiling broadly. He whizzes into Trafalgar Square, maybe
even across it, sending pigeons and tourists flying, and parks
directly outside the statuesque National Gallery. Of course, there's
not another car there. Just the Gallery and the mini.
CUT TO:
EXT. NATIONAL GALLERY ? DAY
BEAN gets out of the car, takes out his bag - thinks a little, opens
it and takes out a "Doctor on Call' sign. To re-enforce it, he puts a
bone in the back window and a skull of the front seat. Happy with the
arrangement, he re-locks the padlock and sets off smiling up the big,
stairs to work.
As he does so, pan up the building, and into the window of the room
where that Board meeting was taking place.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM ? DAY
GARETH
Look, I don't hate the man but ...
LORD WALTON
I know, Gareth. It's the mental strain he inflicts on us
all. How is Professor Bradbury
A grand gentleman, MR MORRISON, pipes up.
I'm MORRISON
Heels got the feeling back in his fingers - but his hands
are still stapled together.
LORD WALTON
Mmmm, and how far are we with the computer, Hubert?
4
HUBERT
Timothy is loading the final catalogue data as we speak,
Milord. An awful thing to say, but when the program's
up and running our, Mr. Bean will become a little less
than .... useful?
A glimmer of hope.
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. PORTRAIT SECTION - DAY
BEAN wanders past three or four portraits and mimics the characters in
them. He passes a guard.
GUARD
(not looking up from his book)
Morning, Bean.
The GUARD sighs with boredom. He gets this from BEAN every day. As
Bean moves on, he treads on the heel of a tourist's shoe. It comes
off- BEAN moves on blithely.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CARTOON ROOM ENTRANCE - DAY
BEAN is passing the very special room where Leonardo Da Vinci's
cartoon, 'The Virgin and Child', hangs, preserved by a very dim
artificial light. There are silhouettes of a few tourists in the room
reverently studying the work, listening to a female GALLERY GUIDE.
BEAN dips into his pocket for his identity badge and in so doing
brings out a coin. The coin drops and rolls into the special room.
BEAN follows it into the darkness.
GALLERY GUIDE
(hushed)
... by Leonardo Da Vinci. As you can see, the
special light in here goes some way to protect the
drawing from photodisintegration caused by gamma ...
The camera stays outside the room with the picture in view. We hear
the squeak of a tiny door open, then a click. The room is suddenly
flooded in blazing white light. The onlookers gasp in horror.
5
BEAN re-emerges from the room with his precious coin. As an
afterthought he pops his hand round the doorway and turns off the
light. He scuttles away. The GALLERY GUIDE shakes her head in total
exasperation.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM ? DAY
GARETH
Maybe it would be simpler to pack all our paintings onto
trucks and move the entire National Gallery somewhere else.
And not tell him.
HUBERT
Seconded. We could all move to France.
GEORGE
All those in favour.
They all raise their hands wildly.
LORD WALTON
Come on - settle down everyone.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. ELEVATOR ? DAY
BEAN stands in the elevator silently with four other people. He gives
himself a long squirt of breathfreshener. Then offers it to the
others, who politely refuse him. So he stands still again. Pause.
BEAN then smells something unpleasant. He leans and has a little
sniff of the person to his left. All right there. Then he sniffs to
his right, and reels at what he smells. He again takes out the breath
freshener, and forces it upon VINCENT, an elderly gentleman, who is
mortified.
At this moment the elevator stops - BEAN and VINCENT get out and the
camera follows VINCENT as he heads for the boardroom door and enters.
He is another trustee. This dialogue is heard from behind the closed
door.
VINCENT
I'm sorry I'm late.
GARETH
Why can't we just give him the boot for crying out
loud?!
6
VINCENT
Steady on, old man. I only ...
GARETH
Not you, you idiot.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CORRIDOR ? DAY
BEAN, with cup of tea, walks along a corridor. He can't not interfere
for tidiness sake. One empty room he switches off the light. Another
he shuts the door.
He passes a computer room, with an open door where a big man is busily
typing in a programme - BEAN looks at him snootily and heads on.
He approaches the door to his office. A sign reads: 'STORAGE &
CATALOGUE'. There is a huge padlock on the door. BEAN takes out a
big key and enters his domain.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. STORAGE OFFICE - DAY.
BEAN enters. He's been here for years and made it his own. It's an
odd little world. There's a framed picture of Shirley Bassey on his
desk and Airfix planes hang from the ceiling. Also a large cosy
armchair and a T.V.
A pleasant Man in a suit, around 40, breezes in.
SUIT MAN
Ah Bean, I'm looking for a painting by Van Hocht. Still
Life. Circa 1670. Can do?
BEAN nods. This is what BEAN likes to do best. The camera follows as
he turns sees the extraordinary sight behind him...
His office is just a tiny corner of a massive storage room, hundreds
of feet high and long, the walls completely full of rack after rack of
stored paintings. At the end of the room, we can see hundreds of
sculptures: busts, modern abstracts, men on horses, classical maidens,
Rodins, the lot. It's like the giant storehouse at the end of
'Raiders of the Lost Ark.
7
BEAN sets off into it in his own eccentric way. He knows exactly
where heels going. He climbs a ladder, like you find in a library -
then pushes himself off, and whizzes the entire length of the room on
slippery wooden runners.
He has now reached the sculpture area, but the painting heels looking
for is on the other side. He crosses the room by using the sculptures
as a kind of artistic obstacle course. In front of him is the
Burghers of Calais, a Rodin statue of 5 prisoners in chains. He
simply walks across their 5 heads, like stones in a stream.
He then comes to an abstract modern piece, which he uses as a slide
and at the end of which, he crawls through the hole in the next modern
thing. He then begins to climb up various famous ancient statues,
using the mouths as footholes, breasts as support, codpieces as steps
and empty eyes as finger holes.
After a problem getting his. foot caught in the jaw of a sculptured
dog, he walks flat along a modern sculpture, then uses a sequence of
classic sculptures as stairs - on the head of a little Degas ballerina,
one step on to the bottom of a horse, two steps onto the head of the
person riding the horse, three steps and now he's on the other side of
the hall.
He then triumphantly pulls out a painting. It's the one!,
SUIT MAN
What would we do without you! The entire inventory of
British Art stored in that one, curious brain of yours.
BEAN beams.
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM - DAY
GARETH
Then we are agreed, gentlemen. He goes.
VINCENT
Only if we're positive that the new catalogue database
will render Mr. Bean's hitherto 'talents' obsolete.
HUBERT
There's no question.
8
LORD WALTON
Very well. Mr Bean is.... art history. We can all stop
taking the pills.
A reserved smatter of laughter, from relief more than anything. LORD
W. talks into an intercom on the table.
LORD WALTON
Miss Hutchinson, would you send Mr. Bean up to the
boardroom, please.
MISS HUTCHINSON
(V/O )
Yes sir. oh, and Lord Walton, the Grierson Gallery called
again.
LORD WALTON
Thank you. (To the room) One final thing. Once again we
have been invited by the Grierson Gallery of Southern
California to second one of our staff for a short visit.
The Grierson has a fairly modest collection - but it does
include the most famous American painting of all,
'Whistler's Mother'. Any thoughts?
Cut to the trustees - they shake their heads and wrinkle, their noses,
not very interested. A 106 year old SIR RUPERT puts up his hand.
LORD WALTON
Yes. Sir Rupert. And may I say sir, how honoured we are
that you still grace us with all your time, wisdom, and
infinite knowledge. Your invaluable thoughts, sir?
SIR RUPERT
Could you speak up please. I didn't catch the question.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. STORAGE OFFICE ? DAY
Back in his office area BEAN ceremoniously hands SUIT MAN the Van
Hocht painting. He's very proud of himself.
SUIT MAN
Thank you, Bean. You're a genius.
9
BEAN laughs - delighted. SUIT MAN exits and MISS HUTCHINSON enters,
warily.
MISS HUTCHINSON
Mr. Bean. Lord Walton would like to see you in the
boardroom.
BEAN gives a little pleasured squeak. How exciting for him. He
follows MISS HUTCHINSON out into the corridor.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CORRIDOR. DAY
BEAN walks along the same corridor as before. Turns off another light.
Then comes to the room where he saw the Programmer. The computer,
showing a Van Gogh portrait, is on and no-one's there. BEAN, who
hates wasted electricity, goes in to switch it off.
We see the Van Gogh change to a pictorial representation of the
Storage room - with an arrow pointing to where the Van Gogh is located.
BEAN is clearly going to be replaced by this programme. Or not ...
BEAN searches for the plug, but it's under acres of desk - so he
simply pulls a cable out of the back the computer. The entire system
clicks off. At which moment the Programmer comes back in.
PROGRAMMER
What's happening here?
BEAN
Ahm...
With a slightly guilty smile he picks up the cable again looks with
puzzlement at the five available places to plug it in and just takes a
random guess. And a disastrous one. There is a ugly electrical
fizzle. The screens come on white, then pop out completely.
BEAN
Ah.... Ahm....
BEAN realises that he has done something wrong and quickly shoves the
cable into another circuit. The Van Gogh appears happily on the
screen. BEAN and PROGRAMMER both give out a sigh of relief. BEAN
smiles and leaves quickly. But a second later the computer screen
disintegrates and the Van Gogh slides down the screen like a water-
colour in the rain. The PROG difficult to breathe.
10
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM ? DAY
LORD WALTON
You have your voting slips, gentlemen. Please remember
the Americans are looking for something quite high powered.
A doctorate preferably...
There is a knock at the door. BEAN enters. LORD WALTON smiles. The
rest of the faces in the room are looking dangerously close to smug.
BEAN is very nervous indeed.
LORD WALTON
(gravely)
Ah, Mr. Bean. Please take a seat for a moment. I have
some news which will not, I'm afraid...
The phone rings. LORD WALTON answers. BEAN sits next to VINCENT and
sniffs at him. VINCENT's breath hasn't improved.
LORD WALTON
(into phone)
Yes? Put him on... Timothy. The computer ... Yes...
When? How? All of it? Absolutely all of it? Did you
back it up? How long will it ... ? Another six months.
Fair enough. Come up here will you, dear boy.
He slowly hangs up. Everyone has got the gist of what has just
occurred with the new computer- The energy drains from them all as
they contemplate another six months with BEAN still on the staff.
LORD WALTON coughs politely.
LORD WALTON
As I was saying, gentlemen. The Grierson Gallery. South
California. Great opportunity. Thousands-of miles-away
though it is. Doctorate or ( IMPISHLY ) no doctorate,
perhaps
All get the message at the same moment and hurriedly scribble on their
voting slips. The slips get handed down the line to LORD WALTON. We
see that every single slip has 'BEAN' on it.
LORD WALTON
Mr. Bean. Wonderful news. You are going to America.
MR. BEAN
(overwhelmed)
Ooooh, how lovely.
There is a knock at the door. The fat, bespectacled,
PROGRAMMER puts his head round it.
LORD WALTON
(beaming)
Ah, Timothy. You're sacked.
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY
BEAN rounds a corner and walks towards us, imitating a bowlegged
cowboy. The Theme from Bonanza plays. He whips out his pair of
imaginary six shooters, spins them on his fingers and returns them to-
their imaginary holsters, making gun sound effects. He's very happy.-
He passes the Security Guard - he draws his gun on him - zero reaction
the Guard just raises his eyebrows and yawns.
BEAN heads on through the gallery merrily - but suddenly, his good
mood is broken, when he notices 3 schoolgirls entering a new
exhibition, called The Ultra-Human Form. This worries him - and we
soon see why - BEAN heads in to the room where all the paintings are
very graphic nudes, and the 3 girls are having a good giggle.
BEAN quickly rushes over and with his hand covers the breasts of the
painting they're inspecting.
Two girls then move on to the next painting - which unfortunately also
has breasts. BEAN stretches and just manages to cover them with his
other hand.
Now the third girl heads on, so BEAN can drop the hand on the first
painting - but now has to try to cover the breasts on the third
painting, which is a real long stretch away. He can't quite make it,
so he takes off his shoes, which gives him the extra 3 inches. Again,
safe. Just.
Now, all three girls leave the paintings - but, to BEAN's chagrin,
head over to a classical nude sculpture in the middle of the room.
It's like the 3 Graces, 3 naked women back to back. BEAN thinks fast.
He quickly whips off his
12
Belt and rushes over to the statue, where he succeeds in looping it
round to cover all six nipples.
Unfortunately the girls have already lost interest and head over to
the other side of the gallery. To BEAN's horror. Because at that
moment we reveal what is on the other side of the room. A epic
painting in the style of the others - with literally 40 graphically
naked people.
BEAN sprints across the room, stands on a chair, and desperately tries
to cover a particularly lurid example of a gentleman's manhood.
At which moment the teacher of the party and 40 other schoolgirls
appear and scream in chorus. BEAN thinks that it is the painting that
has caused offence and is in outraged agreement with them. He turns.
Cut wide to reveal that they are screaming because he's beltless
trousers have fallen down.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRIERSON GALLERY. AMERICA - DAY.
8.30 am California time. A modern building with plenty of glass.
Large, modern sculptures are spotted around its grounds, including a
dramatic one of two huge old cars, head down in the ground, backs
protruding into the air.
THOMAS GRIERSON, owner of the gallery, wearing a slick expensive suit,
walks with DAVE LEARY and BERNIE, both in casual jackets and ties.
GRIERSON is a vain, slightly pedantic and pompous man - maybe short -
always just trying to show he's Boss. The three are strolling towards
the main entrance. Huge sign: 'THE GRIERSON GALLERY' with a
silhouette of Whistler's Mother taken from the painting, as an
incorporated logo.
GRIERSON
Lord Walton assures me this guy's one of the very top
scholars in the English art world. Has a couple of
doctorates no less.
BERNIE
Great news.
BERNIE is smooth and smiley. DAVID LEARY, Vice President, is a very
pleasant, but slightly worried man, knocking on 40. Too nice for his
own good. The three pass a lone MIME ARTIST wearing a cheap vac-form
PRESIDENT CLINTON face mask. David can't help being just a little
nice to him and finds himself left behind. He scampers to catch up.
9
First, catching under the handle - then the couch, then
Four other chairs - and finally the deep freeze. No-one's going to
get in through that door.
BACK IN THE HALL BEAN pushes the string back inside the letter box and
slaps his hand in satisfaction. He locks the door's enormous padlock,
looks about carefully to make sure no one's around, and then hides the
key under a garden gnome on the floor, standing amongst a row of
pathetic pot plants.
MIX THROUGH TO:
INT. AIRPORT. RECEPTION DESK. NIGHT
The lady checking in BEAN looks puzzled as she holds his passport. So
he pulls the shockingly stupid face. 0h yes, she sees, that's the guy
in the picture. She hands him his ticket.
CHECK-IN LADY
Here we go, sir. You've been moved to l st. class.
Apparently your friends at the Gallery were so delighted
that you're finally on your way.
BEAN is very touched.
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE ? NIGHT
BEAN enters the first class lounge. It's fairly empty, but BEAN
still squeezes himself between an old lady drinking a cup of tea, and
a very grand looking American military man in a business suit.
The Grand Man lights up a cigar. This doesn't please Mr "No Smoking
BEAN. First, he waves the smoke away, in small, then big, then huge
wafting motions. Then he tries, miming, to cut it up into segments
and move them aside. The man pays no attention at all.
BEAN puts a plastic mug over his face, like a gas mask and breathes
heavily. The man looks at him - but doesn't give a damn
BEAN now takes a paper bag - catches some of the smoke, and take it
over and empties it into the dust bin.
The Grand Man goes on smoking stubbornly. He then sees a magazine
rack and leaves his cigar as he goes to get one.
13
DAVID
Sounds like a real coup, sir... getting this Doctor of ...
GRIERSON
Various things. Thank you. However, as you know, this is
not an inexpensive venture, and, financially speaking, we're
in very serious crap right now.
He can't quite hide his tackiness.) DAVID holds the door for GRIERSON
- then sees an old woman coming towards him. He waits for her to go
through, and due to his sweetness, is again left behind. He rushes
to catch up.
They are now passing the reception counter cum gallery shop. DAVID
exchanges smiles with the cashier, ANNIE. Very bubbly, not very
bright. The shop is full of Whistler's Mother memorabilia - posters,
cards, porcelain statuettes.
GRIERSON
So ... I'm wondering if one of you would have this guy stay
in your home instead of some expensive hotel.
BERNIE
Love to, sir, but no can do. No spare room. Period.
GRIERSON
David?
DAVID
Oh, look, I mean, it's kind of the last thing... I mean, I'd
really like to, but... things at home are kind of sensitive,
so I couldn't really er ...
GRIERSON
I thought perhaps as Vice-President, and in view of the
unfortunate attendance's for the summer show this year...
the MASSIVE financial LOSS ...
DAVID
on the other hand ... maybe a breath of fresh air is just
what my family needs ... Yes. Great news. Fabulous.
Triumphant. Course it might need a little smoothing over.
When's he due?
GRIERSON hands DAVID a piece of paper.
GRIERSON
Tomorrow. You have a problem with that?
PAUSE
DAVID
No. Perfect. Looking forward to it.
CUT TO:
INT. LONDON . PHOTO BOOTH. DAY.
The camera faces Mr BEAN sitting in a Photo booth. His face is
totally impassive for 1, 2, then 3 flashes. And then, just before the
4th flash, he pulls the biggest, maddest face you've ever seen.
Flash! He gives a little
Satisfied giggle.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY
7 p.m. California time. A pleasant suburban house. DAVID's car
pulls into the drive. JENNIFER, his slightly Gothic 16 year old
daughter, is kissing BRAD, her scruffy boyfriend. He sits astride a
motor scooter. He has a bum-fluff moustache.
DAVID gets out of his car and approaches them.
DAVID
Hi, Jennifer. How was school? (she doesn't break the kiss
with Brad) oh really? That's good, great. Fantastic.
We'll talk some more.
The two continue kissing as DAVID moves on. He's just about to head
for the house when a swish convertible draws up at the curb. DAVID's
wife, ALISON, has been given a lift home by her young attractive boss,
CHARLES. They are laughing in the car as DAVID walks up.
15
He is slightly disturbed to see ALISON kiss CHARLES on the cheek
before getting out with her port folio. CHARLES smiles pleasantly on
seeing DAVID.
CHARLES
Hello, David.
DAVID
Hi, Charles. (To Alison) Wow - late!
ALISON
(brightly)
I had to do some last minute stuff.
CHARLES
My fault. We've got a heavy load on at present. How
about you, gallery going well?
DAVID
Ahm, well, you know ~ that's a tough question - on one'
level I think it ....
ALISON
Don't ask him about work, Charlie. Life's too short.
Alison is the same age as DAVID, but seems to have lasted the course
better - she's confident, in good shape. The atmosphere is awkward.
JENNIFER screams out. Her 8 year old brother, KEVIN has sprung from
the shrubbery and lassoed her and BRAD. ALISON goes over to sort them
out.
ALISON
Kevin! You stop that right now!
CHARLES
Great kids. Good looking too.
DAVID
You think so? Well I 'spose they're pretty, you know...
okay, looks-wise.
CHARLES
Take after their mother, huh?
DAVID
Ah ... absolutely.
DAVID is not very happy here.
16
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN ? DAY
It is open plan and leads through into the lounge. DAVID and ALISON
enter. ALISON puts her port folio on the table and leads DAVID onto a
sofa. She puts her arms round him.
ALISON
Let's take a break, David. This weekend, why don't we
just get into the car and drive to the coast. Find a
motel. Like before the kids were born. Go to a
fairground. Win me another Bambi.
She reaches across and picks up a little ceramic Bambi on a table next
to the couch.
ALISON
Jennifer can stay and look after Kevin
DAVID
Sounds great. Excellent. Though-, Ahm... there's this
guy who's coming to work at the Gallery, from England...
ALISON
(SUSPICIOUSLY)
Yeeees?
DAVID
And they asked me if we'd like to ... you know... put him
up for a while.
ALISON
There aren't hotels?
DAVID
Yes, there are hotels. They just thought maybe it'd be
nice for him to stay with a real American family. Popcorn,
waffles, all that stuff.
ALISON
(POINTEDLY)
And what did you say?
DAVID
I said I'd check with you.
She looks at him piercingly. This clearly happens a lot. She knows
when he's telling the truth. Pause.
DAVID
Then I said 'yes'.
She puts Bambi carefully back on the table, gets up and moves to the
kitchen. DAVID follows.
ALISON
Do we know anything about him?
DAVID
Ahm - he's male. He's English. He's a doctor of er ...
at least 2 things. I think they would have mentioned if
he was a blind dwarf. Or one of those guys who kills lots
of people all the time. I think we're looking at someone
moderately normal here.
ALISON
David - are you ever going to learn to say 'no'?
DAVID
Yes. Yes. (pause) Sometime.
She shakes her head.
ALISON
It's the last thing we need.
DAVID
That's exactly what I said ... before I said - Great, it's
a sensational idea."
He knows he's made a mess here. Enter KEVIN, their smart young son,
strolling through.
KEVIN
Hiya Dad ~ I'll need you upstairs for homework in
about .... (checks watch) oh, 20 minutes.
DAVID
Great, good.
And KEVIN exits.
18
DAVID
Didn't kids do their own homework, like way back? Years
ago? No. Course not. Just imagining it.
ALISON isn't really listening. Much tension.
CUT TO:
EXT. MR. BEAN'S BED-SIT - NIGHT
9.30 p.m. U.K. time. A black London taxi is parked outside a terraced
house with its motor idling. Its driver looks fed up waiting. BEAN
appears at a downstairs window, motioning to his watch that he will
not be long.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. BEAN'S BED-SIT ? DAY
MR. BEAN is ready to leave his room. Battered old
suitcase in hand, he checks the room from the doorway.
Every conceivable thing that can be opened - cupboards,
drawers, fridge -sports an oversized padlock. Even
Bean's old G.P.O. phone has one on its dial.
BEAN looks across to his TEDDY, who is lounging on a miniature chair,
inside an up-sided cardboard box. The box is sits on an armchair. A
hand-written sign, taped to its roof reads: 'TEDDY HOTEL' followed by
three stars.
19
A smaller sign informs us that the hotel is: 'FULL'. BEAN is just
about to leave but stops to consider. Taking a felt tipped pen, he
adds two more stars on the hotel hoarding, as a treat.
He then, slightly, incomprehensibly, begins to tie string it around
various objects in the flat. The fridge - the corner of a chair, a
couch leg.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. BEAN'S RESIDENCE'S HALLWAY ~ DAY
BEAN leaves his flat. lee notice a large official sign stuck on the
door saying 'NO SMOKING". He now turns his attention to the pieces of
string hanging out the letter box in his door. Grabbing the bunch of
them, he pulls.
CUT TO back inside the flat. we now understand the string - as all the
furniture starts to move across the flat. It works incredibly neatly
the chair reaches the door
20
BEAN acts fast. He takes the cigar - and quickly dunks it in the old
woman's cup of tea.
He sits there, guiltlessly, as the Grand Man returns. Simultaneously,
the man tries to suck the wet cigar, and the Old woman drinks the
disgusting tea. A horrid experience for both.
CUT TO:
INT. AEROPLANE - DAY.
Boarding time. BEAN enters the plane and turns right, into the body
of the plane. After walking right down the plane, he is directed by a
hostess back up to first. As he walks back, we notice the' ridiculous
contrast, from totally cramped accommodation with hundreds of children
and muzak, to the elegance, and space of First class.
BEAN couldn't be more thrilled. There follows a sequence of short
moments from this nightmare flight.
1/ The Old Tea-Drinking Lady is being helped with her ,luggage. A
hostess slides it into the compartment above her head.
OLD LADY
Be careful. It's for my Grand-daughter.
The next instant BEAN comes up with his case. He opens the same
locker, and tries to fit his case in. Doesn't quite go - so he pushes
it violently. We hear crunching cracking sounds. Finally, it's
almost there - BEAN slams the locker door. One final definitive,
though muffled, smash. The OLD LADY looks at BEAN suspiciously.
2/ BEAN sits down - and who should be his next door neighbour? The
Grand Man, whose name is REYNOLDS. BEAN smiles merrily. The
affection is not mutual.
Champagne comes round instantly. BEAN takes it, along with a small
bowl of nuts, and clinks glasses with his unsmiling partner. BEAN
tries to impress him by throwing nuts up into the air and catching
them in his mouth (a well practised art). No response.
BEAN then switches on the noisy overhead air blower. Then can't turn
it down again. It's very stuck. He manages however to push it away
from his face - straight into REYNOLDS' . REYNOLDS looks annoyed, BEAN
guiltless.
21
Then 'BEAN has an idea. He takes a tissue out of his pocket, puts in
his mouth, chews it into a spitball
And rams it into the blower. Both of them are relieved. REYNOLDS
picks up his champagne to have his first proper sip. And whapp! The
spitball, under high pressure, shoots
into it, sending champagne spraying all over REYNOLDS. Not a good
start.
3/--BEAN is reading the in-flight magazine. There's an annoying sound.
He looks sideways - it is the headphones of the YOUNG BOY in the seat
across the aisle. He's fallen asleep with his headphones on. BEAN
looks annoyed. Then suddenly decides to cut his fingernails with a
little pair of scissors he carries. He holds out his hand to snip the
nail - and accidentally on purpose simply cuts the wire of the boy's
headset. That's better.
4/ Night. Wide shot of the plane - everyone is asleep except one pool
of light. It's Mr BEAN still up, reading.
But even he is wilting. His eyes close, and his body starts to waver
towards sleep. Next to him, REYNOLDS is in a total lying position -
and unfortunately, as BEAN slowly tips over, his mouth comes into
direct contact with REYNOLDS' flies.
From across the compartment, a hostess sees what's happening. She's
shocked, comes over and taps BEAN on the ,,shoulder. He shoots up,
and nearly strangles her in shock. She calms him down, shows him how
to put his chair back - and leaves him to sleep. CUT ON....
5/ REYNOLDS still asleep. With BEAN asleep completely on top of him.
Completely. His hand is spread on REYNOLDS' face. REYNOLDS' eyes
open. He sees what's happened. His arm goes up and rings for the
Hostess.
6/ Morning has broken. REYNOLDS is still trying to sleep - BEAN is
wide awake. The Hostess approaches, and the MOTHER of the YOUNG BOY
says her son isn't very well.
BEAN decides to cheer him up. He mimes an aeroplane which makes the
boy feel more ill. Then does a rather good lizard impersonation by
sticking bits of paper to his tongue and eye-lids and fluttering them.
He then brings out a scrunched up bag of Dolly Mixtures and does his
trick of throwing a sweet in the air and catching it in his mouth.
The boy is too ill to be impressed.
BEAN tries to cheer him up with his imaginary gun pretending to be a
cowboy and then a tough American Cop. Nothing. Then he has an
extremely fun idea. He empties the Dolly Mixtures from the paper bag
and pockets them.
22
He then blows up the empty bag and is about to pop it to wake REYNOLDS,
when he sees it's got a hole in it. No fun.
Meanwhile, the Boy has taken out his sick-bag. BEAN is delighted -
yes, that's perfect. He turns away for a split second to scrunch up
the useless bag, while, unseen to him, the boy vomits into his bag.
BEAN turns, grabs the bag from him - blows into it, puts it right into
REYNOLDS' face at arms length, and smacks his hands together. CUT at
just the right moment.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. ARRIVALS - NIGHT
The traditional exit area. A random bunch of people are waiting -
relatives, limousine drivers - and, rather strangely, three 30 year
old women dressed in curly red wigs from the musical, 'Annie'.
The LEARYS are at the barrier. KEVIN has a cardboard sign with 'MR.
BEAN' written on it. People are streaming out of the Arrivals gate.
ALISON is not happy. Actually no one is. JENNIFER looks particularly
fed up.
DAVID
For all you know, he may be a very attractive young man.
JENNIFER
Oh come on - the guy's going to be a creep. All
Englishmen are ugly.
DAVID
What makes you say that?
JENNIFER
All the guys they claim are English to and good-looking like
Dan Day-Lewis and Liam Neeson, turn out to be Irish. Even
Anthony Hopkins is welsh. Prince Charles is so ugly they
pay him two million bucks a year to stay indoors.
DAVID
Richard Burton was very good-looking.
JENNIFER
Welsh.
DAVID
Sean Connery.
23
ALISON
Scottish.
DAVID
Tom Jones?
JENNIFER
Welsh again.
DAVID
Okay, so the guy's gonna look like Meatloaf's backside.
No-one's asking you to go to bed with him.
JENNIFER glares at him. A tired ALISON has had enough of this waiting
already.
ALISON
Bed sounds good though. Bed sounds great.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. CONVEYER - NIGHT
BEAN, is off the plane. REYNOLDS strides ahead of him, a huge wet
patch in a semi-circle around his neck. BEAN comes to a moving
walkways. He steps on to it sheepishly, thinking it's very daring and
brave, gripping the handrail as though he was travelling at 100 mph.
But soon he gains greater confidence. He stands up straight, both
hands off the rail. There are a couple of COPS leaning against a wall,
chatting. BEAN notices their guns. Slipping into role-play mode, he
reaches into his breast pocket, ready to bring out his imaginary
shooter ... The last security guard he tried this with just yawned ~
so BEAN thinks it's safe. But this time, the COPS turn and stare at
him tensely..
Flustered by their interest in him, BEAN needs to get away. He turns,
but finds that he is walking in the opposite direction, on the spot.
The COPS read this as suspicious behaviour and move towards him
suspiciously. BEAN turns to gets himself going in the right direction.
The COPS follow. BEAN runs. The COPS give chase.
CUT TO:
24
INT. 'AMERICAN AIRPORT. ARRIVALS - NIGHT
A little BALD MAN arrives at the barrier. The three red wigged clones
from the musical, 'Annie' swamp him with shrieks and kisses. The
LEARYS are getting impatient.
KEVIN
(bored )
Who do you think is the ugliest guy who ever lived.
DAVID
Well, Michael Bolton's pretty grisly.
KEVIN
I vote for Bart.
JENNIFER
Shut up, Kevin.
KEVIN
NO, seriously - I know he's your boyfriend, but there's
something about his upper lip that is so weird. What do you
think it is, Dad? Jen says it's a moustache, I say it's a
cluster of about 11 mosquitoes, resting.
JENNIFER
You know the thing I hate most about children?
KEVIN
Nope.
JENNIFER
You.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
BEAN is running down the busy corridor with the two COPS in pursuit.
They draw their guns. Two more COPS appear,
coming from the opposite direction. BEAN is trapped. He drops his
case.
COP 1
Police! Stop or we shoot!
25
Passers-by scream and throw themselves to the floor. BEAN freezes on
the spot, terrified. All four COPS have their guns trained on him in
the shooting position.
COP 1
Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two
fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three
paces back!
Dead slowly, BEAN puts his hand into his inside jacket pocket and
brings it back out made in the shape of a gun. He slowly transfers
that imaginary item to the finger and thumb of his left hand. He
bends down and places it on the floor then takes three paces back. He
gives out a big breath after the effort of it all. The COPS just
stare at him, gob-smacked.
Little OLD LADY from plane steers up from nowhere. She rattles her
box of broken china and kicks BEAN in the shins. Things are not going
his way.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT
Bright and clinical. Close on BEAN sitting behind a table; a very
small man in very big trouble. Behind him, two uniformed COPS stand
guard. A large, black plain clothes detective sits opposite, smoking
a cigarette. This is BRUTUS. He studies BEAN's passport photo. It's
the baboon face. He holds it up to bean's face to make a comparison.
BEAN pulls the face to match the photo.
BRUTUS
Mr. Bean. Are you presently on any kind of medication at
all?
BEAN thinks deeply for a moment then shakes his head.
BRUTUS
You could certainly use some.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. ARRIVALS - NIGHT
ALISON, JENNIFER and KEVIN are slumped in seats near the barrier.
DAVID walks up.
ALISON
What did they say?
26
DAVID
Well, they're kind of busy but it doesn't look like ...
ALISON
Did you really ask?
DAVID
I'm not sure I got the right person but they were a bit
busy ...
ALISON
What's wrong with you, David? All you have to do is say,
Excuse me, I've been sitting here since the start of the
Millennium and I'd really like some action from you before
the end of the world. I'll go.
DAVID
No, no. I'11 try again ...
ALISON
I said, I'11 go.
She goes. KEVIN shakes his head disappointedly al,-- his father.
DAVID slumps down on the seat. He overhears JENNIFER flirting with
an incredibly undesirable bloke in a leather jacket - white, with
Rasta hair extensions, and about sixty rings in his nose. (This is
STINGO).
JENNIFER
So. where do your parents live?
STINGO
My parents are dead.
DAVID is pretty confident that he knows who killed them.
JENNIFER
Yeah, so are mine.
CUT TO:
EXT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. TAXI RANK. NIGHT
COP 1 puts BEAN in the back of a taxi with his case. He
takes some dollar notes from his own wallet and hands them to the
driver.
27
COP 1
Just get him the hell out of here, will ya?
He slams the door and the taxi drives away.
CUT TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT-. ARRIVALS ? NIGHT
The LEARYS are all asleep in eccentric positions on the seats.
JENNIFER's head is resting on STINGO's leg. Kevin's cardboard sign
with 'MR. BEAN, written on it falls from his lap to the floor.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT
The taxi draws up outside the house. BEAN gets out with his case.
The CAB DRIVER is strangely friendly.
CAB DRIVER
Thanks man, I can't tell you how much I appreciate talking
to ya. In this job you get so many jerks spilling their
guts all over ya, with their stupid problems ... But you,
you're a great listener, ya know that?
BEAN smiles politely. Taxi drives away. BEAN walks up to' the front
porch, checks the house number on his piece of paper and presses the
doorbell. No answer. Presses again. Still no answer ... Now where
have they hidden the key. He inspects things carefully.
The camera sees what he sees ... the doormat, the flowerpot, the
window-ledge ... and then he spots a little stone frog. BEAN smiles.
Key hiding is something he knows about - and people are pathetically
obvious about it. BEAN picks up the FROG to reveal the front door key.
It glints in the porch-light.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALLWAY - NIGHT
BEAN lets himself in. The pre-alarm buzzer goes off quietly. He has
15 seconds before the alarm goes off proper. He strolls confidently
to where the alarm control unit obviously is ... under the stairs.
28
Close-up of flashing L.E.D. Again, BEAN looks carefully and finds the
magnetic box, housing a little key, attached to the underside of the
console. Just as the alarm goes off, for the splittest of a
secondette, he turns the key in its slot ... and is safe.
BEAN finds the switch and turns on the hall light. He switches it off
again ... then on. Then rapidly clicks it on and off repeatedly.Fun.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE ? NIGHT
Shot from across the street, with all the house lights flashing off
and on madly.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. LOUNGE - NIGHT
BEAN stands in front of the television, looking a little annoyed about
the fact that the remote control in his hand is having no effect at
all. He stabs at it randomly.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE ? NIGHT
The garage doors are swinging open and closed rhythmically.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID'S CAR - NIGHT
KEVIN and JENNIFER are asleep in the back. DAVID drives in silence,
Alison next to him. Uneasy atmosphere. DAVID stabs at buttons on the
car radio.
ALISON
It isn't working any more, David.
DAVID
I know - I'11 take it in to George tomorrow'- he'll fix it.
Stupid thing.
HE SWITCHES IT OFF.
29
ALISON
No, US. It's not working any longer -you and me.
Pause. DAVID's now heard it completely. He takes his eyes off the
road and stares at ALISON a moment too long. A car's horn snatches
back his attention.
DAVID
Jesus.
ALISON
I need some time, David. A little time. It's not just
you. It's partly me.
DAVID
But in general ... it's ... mostly me, right?
Pause. Single shot of Alison and David. She doesn't answer. He is
destitute.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALLWAY ? NIGHT
BEAN wanders down the stairs in his pyjamas. He sees a walkman - and
puts it on happily. He moves to the rhythm. He locks the door, turns
on the alarm and turns off the
hall light.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE ? NIGHT
DAVID's car turns into the drive just as the hall light goes off. (For
the next few minutes, knife-edged timing 0 is all). The LEARYS
sleepily get out of the car and approach the house. DAVID brings out
his door key.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. UPSTAIRS LANDING ? NIGHT
The exact moment the key turns in the lock, BEAN, still wearing
headphones, disappears into a bedroom with a little ceramic sign on it
saying: 'GUEST ROOM'.
The exhausted family enter an apparently untouched house. KEVIN turns
on the stairs light, climbs to his room off the landing and closes the
door on which a sign reads: 'KEVIN'.
30
At that instant BEAN walks out, looking for the bathroom with his wash
bag. He looks up at the light. It should not be on. He frowns,
turns it off and exits to bathroom. At which precise moment JENNIFER,
zombie-like, is halfway up the stairs
JENNIFER
Thanks a lot, Kevin!
JENNIFER goes into her room. The sign reads: 'JENNIFER'.
ALISON turns on the light and climbs the stairs. David heads into the
kitchen. They exchange a sad look. She goes into their bedroom: the
sign reads: 'GRUPS'. At which instant, BEAN, still wearing headphones,
leaves the bathroom, and heads downstairs ....
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN ? NIGHT
The light is on. DAVID takes a deep breath. Bad night. He picks up
an empty coffee jar, sighs and goes into the pantry a full one. BEAN
enters. He opens the refrigerator and he studies the food on offer.
Nothing he fancies ... then BINGO!
He sees a little plate of 3 strawberries. He eats one, then two, then
pops the third into his mouth. It tastes a bit off, so he takes it
out of his mouth, puts it back on the plate, closes the fridge door,
and exits ... just as DAVID comes out of the pantry. Close on BEAN's
hand as it comes round the door frame and turns off the light. DAVID,
on the move, stubs his toe on a chair. He groans in pain, limps to
the fridge. He spots the lone, already sucked strawberry and pops it
into his mouth.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. D & A'S BEDROOM ? NIGHT
ALISON is watching T.V. in bed with the remote control. DAVID enters
with orange juice and puts it down by his side of the bed.
DAVID
The lights blown in the kitchen. I'll fix it tomorrow.
They're not a happy couple. She concentrates on the TV even turns it
up a little.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BATHROOM ? NIGHT
BEAN turns on the basin's cold faucet. It gushes noisily.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. D & A'S BEDROOM ? NIGHT
Close on Letterman on the TV. The noise from it drowns out any noise
from the bathroom.(The bathroom has two doors - one into DAVID and
ALISON's bedroom, the other onto the landing)..
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BATHROOM ? NIGHT
BEAN can't hear the T.V. because of his headphones. He takes out his
toothbrush but notices an electric one on a shelf with spare brush
heads. He's intrigue. He swaps the heads and enjoys cleaning his
teeth with this clever modern implement.
-He puts the electric brush down and checks his teeth in the mirror.
He has forgotten to turn off the brush and so it vibrates off the sink
and lands in the toilet. Bean fishes it out and places it back on the
shelf where he found it. He turns off faucet, then exits, turning out
the light.
DAVID enters and turns the light on again. He takes down the
toothbrush and cleans his teeth. He calls through the bedroom door.
DAVID
That poor guy, Bean ... He's probably still sitting at
London Airport!
He finishes his teeth then runs the hot faucet. He exits to bedroom
as BEAN enters from hall with dirty socks.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ALISON is still watching T.V. The volume is getting to DAVID.
DAVID
Alison, please.
32
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARYS' HOUSE. BATHROOM ~ NIGHT
BEAN is just finishing washing his socks in David's water. He rings
the dirty water from them, and exits. DAVID enters in his under
shorts. He checks his tired eyes in the mirror then washes his face
in the basin water without looking.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. LANDING ~ NIGHT
BEAN notices a framed photograph on the wall. It is of the LEARY
family. They are grouped outside their house. It is a very happy
picture. BEAN smiles at it. He takes it off the wall and takes it
into a bedroom. As the door quietly closes we see the sign:
'JENNIFER'.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lights are out. DAVID and ALISON in bed. The latter is facing away.
DAVID
I need to make a confession. I know you're awake. Please,
it's important.
(Long pause)
ALISON
(without stirring)
Go ahead.
DAVID
I had the last strawberry in the refrigerator.
ALISON smiles in spite of herself. She turns over and puts her arm
around DAVID. She gets up close to his face.
ALISON
There were three strawberries.
DAVID
One.
33
ALISON
Liar.
DAVID
0h Ali we can work this thing out, you know.
ALISON smiles, sleepily, and goes to kiss him. She stops and sniffs.
Thoroughly put off, she rolls over and closes her eyes.
DAVID
Ali? What's wrong?
ALISON
Your face smells like a foot.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE ? DAY
The next morning. Shot from across the street: A newspaper boy
delivers. Birds sing. It's a lovely, peaceful, early morning.
Then ... a terrifying girl's scream pierces the quiet.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. UPSTAIRS LANDING - DAY
The whole family charges out onto the landing. JENNIFER hurtles out
of her room screaming. She barges through the family and locks
herself in the bathroom.
ALISON
What is it? Jennifer!
JENNIFER
(0.O.V.)
... There's a man ... there's a man ... there's a man in
my...
DAVID
Honey, calm down now... it's okay...
JENNIFER
(p.o.v.)
There's a man. I woke up next to a man ...
KEVIN
It wouldn't be the first time.
34
ALISON
Shut up, Kevin. (to Jennifer) Honey, you-re not making
sense ...
DAVID
It's okay. There's no one out here. Just open the door.
Trust me.
Pause ... then a click of the bathroom lock ... Jennifer comes out.
Then there's another click. BEAN breezes out of Jennifer's bedroom,
past the family, in his pyjamas, carrying a wash bag and a towel over
his arm. He waves to them friendly, slips into the bathroom and
closes the door. The family stare in amazement.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN ? DAY
The family, now dressed for work and school, are having breakfast at
the kitchen table. After an uncomfortable silence:
KEVIN
He makes Prince Charles look kind of handsome.
ALISON
He can't stay here, David.
DAVID
Okay. It's not a problem... Let's just sit ... I'11 talk
to the gallery ...
ALISON
David, I'm serious!
DAVID
I know you are. Very serious ... most of the time these
days.
ALISON
Now what does that mean? My daughter wakes up with a
strange man in her bed, and I'm supposed to think it's
amusing? (looks at his tie) That tie's God-awful. Why do
you wear it?
DAVID is thrown. He looks down at his tie. JENNIFER looks grumpy.
KEVIN is eating happily.
35
BEAN enters, dressed, carrying a plastic carrier bag. He acknowledges
the family with a grunt and a smile.
DAVID
Ah, Mr Bean ...
BEAN
Excuse me.
He moves to the phone, checks his watch and dials quickly.
CUT TO:
INT. BEAN'S BED-SIT - ENGLAND - NIGHT
The ancient G.P.O. phone starts to ring on a small table. (The
following takes place in a matter of seconds).
On the table are two, large, shiny, hard backed books, wedged up at
one end and sloping away at right angles to one another. Each book
has a pair of rulers set, parallel to one another, in Play-Doh. They
each form a canal. Between one pair of rulers sits a small box of
salt. Between the other pair is a miniature bust of BEETHOVEN. As
the phone continues to ring and vibrate the table, these items judder
along the canal, an inch at a time.
The box of salt teaches the bottom of the book and topples over the
edge of the table. ( The BEETHOVEN bust' teeters on the edge of its
book). The salt lands in a plastic funnel, taped to the top of a
bamboo stick. The bottom of the stick sits on the BBC 2 button of a
T.V. remote control. Close-up of its infrared L.E.D. as it flashes
once. The phone stops ringing.
CUT TO: the T.V. comes on at the start of a documentary about grizzly
bears. A voice-over begins a narration.
CUT TO: close on TEDDY sitting in his cardboard box hotel.
Flickering light from the T.V. plays on his face.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN ? DAY
Bean hangs up happily, then approaches the toaster, stuffs a pair of
wet socks into it and pulls down the start lever. Satisfied, he now
turns to the family.
BEAN
Now - can I help?
They just stare, dumb-founded.
36
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY
DAVID and BEAN arrive at the car and get in. DAVID heads out of the
drive at a reasonable speed.
BEAN suddenly yanks on the hand-brake. DAVID's head hits the
windshield with a sickening thud. BEAN reaches for and fastens his
seat belt. He looks to DAVID. DAVID gives BEAN a pained look. What
planet does he come from? He fastens his own seat belt while BEAN
wonders why it's all taking so long.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. CAR PARKING - DAY
It's a rather fancy building. Like a little Guggenheim DAVID parks
by a large, expensive, looking car. BEAN opens his door and it
bangs-hard against the pristine body work.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
As BEAN and DAVID enter through the swing doors they meet ANNIE, the
very bubbly girl in charge of entrance tickets at the reception cum
shop counter.
ANNIE
Two dollars please.
DAVID
Annie, it's me.
ANNIE
Oh, right, yeah. (to Bean) two dollars please.
DAVID
No, Annie, no. This is Doctor Bean. He's going to be
working with us.
BEAN frowns. That word 'doctor'.
37
ANNIE
Oh, great. Usually we charge people two dollars to come
in? but for people who work here, that would be 730
dollars a year, which is like, a lot of money, so we kinda
like let them off. Hi.
BEAN smiles at her.
ANNIE
He doesn't like to say much does he?
DAVID
Right first time.
ANNIE
I can understand THAT. Neither do I.
As BEAN and DAVID move on, BEAN gives ANNIE a 1ittle wave. She waves
sweetly back. She cocks her head to one side and watches him go. She
likes Mr. BEAN a lot.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR- DAY
BEAN and DAVID arrive In the ground floor gallery. A few visitors are
viewing the paintings. The acknowledge ELMER, the huge, ex-army,
Security Man, sitting on a small chair by a wall, reading a newspaper.
The pass two oldish ladies inspecting a painting
DAVID
You'll notice, our clientele is not totally young. I
sometimes worry they're not really getting to grips with
the art on a deep aesthetic level.
Stay with the ladies as DAVID and BEAN head on.
OLD LADY 1
What do you think?
OLD LADY 2
0h yes - lovely - very nice.
OLD LADY 1
And what colour would you use for the curtains?
38
OLD LADY 2
Well, I thought the sort of blue in this one. (she points
to a gorgeous blue Matisse) And I thought the curtains in
the bathroom would be nice in this yellow ....
And-they head on to a Van Gogh with a nice yellow in it.
BEAN stops to admire a painting. It is Pre-Raphaelite in style,
depicting a woman reclined on a bed in a castle chamber. She is
wearing a chastity belt fastened with a small padlock, her breasts are
concealed under a draped flag. It is a tasteful and romantic picture.
DAVID
Beautiful. 'HIS MISTRESS' by John Everett Millais, 1829
to 96. Know it?
BEAN shakes his head. It's the padlock he's interested in he points
at it and smiles. ANNIE walks up.
ANNIE
Excuse me. Mr Grierson called down. He's ready to see you
upstairs.
DAVID
Thanks, Annie.
ANNIE walks off back the way she came, looking at BEAN approvingly
over her shoulder.
DAVID
Better go. Grierson hates people being late.
BEAN
Yes. Ahm... think I'11 ...
He gestures that held like to tidy up a little. Brush his hair, etc.
BEAN waddles off after ANNIE clearly in need of relief. DAVID watches
him go.
DAVID
Why me?
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY.
BEAN is catching up with ANNIE. She notices him following and coyly
smiles to herself. She stops, turns round and grins. She thinks he
has come to say something to her.
39
BEAN stops dead in front of her - then turns sharp left into the men's
washroom. ANNIE's smile fades.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. WASH ROOM - DAY
BEAN comes out of a booth. He tidies his hair and tie in a mirror.
He pushes down the pressurised tap to wash his hands. It splashes
terribly. The whole front of his trousers are soaked. The last thing
you want when about to meet your new boss. Damn!
There now follow a quick, complicated piece of business.
1/ BEAN spots a paper-towel dispenser. He turns towards it at just
the moment a man exits from a booth - BEAN turns back to the sink to
hide his trousers, as the man swiftly does his hands, goes to the
paper dispenser, and takes the last towel. Damn again.
2/ BEAN now puts his hope in a rolling towel. But it's rather high.
He has to jump to try to reach the trouser. At which point Another
Man enters. Jumping BEAN has been caught in a very weird position.
He pretends he has .chosen the Men's Room as the place to do his
rather energetic exercise routine.
3/ As the man leaves, he then tries to blow the patch dry with his
mouth. Another Man enters. Again, BEAN is 1 compromised - pretends
it's even more exercises. That man also enters a booth.
4/ BEAN suddenly notices the hand drying machine! He turns it on. A
healthy blast of warm air. Annoyingly, it's also rather too high. He
tries jumping and bouncing to get his waist to the right height. It's
not going to work. Brainwave! He climbs up on two sinks. Now the
drier is blowing in exactly the right place. BEAN sways to let the
air cover the whole area. It's working excellently.
5/ At which moment, one of the men exits from a booth and sees him in
the mirror. BEAN is in an immensely compromising sex-with-machine
position. He pretends he's there to change the light bulb above,
which he takes out calmly and polishes. The man leaves, BEAN smiles.
But as he exits, BEAN's face transforms - he's totally scalded his
fingers on the scorching bulb.
40
6/ BEAN rushes to the sink, puts his fingers under the tap, pushes on
the water - and soaks himself all over again. At which moment, DAVID
enters, exasperated.
DAVID
Come on! Let's go!
BEAN exits uneasily hunched to hide his wet patch. They enter the
corridor, and he spots a newspaper.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE ? DAY
BEAN and DAVID enter. It's a warm, formal. office. On the wall
behind the desk is a full-size, framed poster of Whistler's Mother.
On a white background, at the base of the poster, a caption reads:
'THE GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER'. Elsewhere, the
walls are full of paintings.
GRIERSON and BERNIE look up from a computer screen at DAVID and BEAN,
who is, rather weirdly, carrying a newspaper in fronts of his flies.
GRIERSON approaches David, and shakes his hand.
GRIERSON
Ah, David. Finally. (CHECKS HIS WATCH DELIBERATELY ) And
this must be our professor from across the sea.
DAVID
Yes, this is Doctor Bean.
BEAN
Actually I'm not .... er ...
GRIERSON
This is Bernard Schimmel. Bernie the Doctor.
BERNIE offers his hand. BEAN has to do a nifty handchange to free up
the correct hand for the handshake. The newspaper stays firmly in
place.
THOMAS GRIERSON
Ah ~ the Tribune - mind if I just ....
He reaches out to borrow the newspaper. BEAN has to squeeze in right
next to the desk and sit behind it, before he can hand the paper over
thus ensuring the continued invisibility of the wet patch. GRIERSON
studies the paper for a second.
GRIERSON
Take a seat, gentlemen..... although before we settle -
feast your eyes on these.
GRIERSON goes to a painting on a wall. DAVID and BEAN follow ~ BEAN
about one inch from DAVID's back, walking in perfect rhythm.
GRIERSON
Arthur Rackham. Originals of course. Got four of them.
Check this out ... Venus and the Cat, Aesop's Fables.
Isn't that something?
He heads towards said illustration on adjacent wall - and BEAN and
DAVID follow, still totally glued together. A strange sight.
DAVID.
They're beautiful, sir.
GRIERSON
Maybe. Hell of a price, I'11 tell you. Anyway - down to
business.
They head back to the desk - but Bean, in a momentary lapse of
concentration fails to follow. He's now stuck on the wrong side of
the room, unable to turn around.
GRIERSON
Bernie was just showing me his new ideas for a cross-
gallery computer system. Dr Bean - would you like to look
at this? Very exciting stuff ....
BEAN
Ahm ... NO.
GRIERSON is slightly surprised. But they persevere.
BERNIE
What I'm doing, Dave, is developing the ultimate user-
friendly,' interactive public guide to the gallery.
Punching buttons on the computer, he reveals wonderful maps of the
gallery, and when clicking on sections of the map, graphic
explanations of each rooms contents.
42
Meanwhile. Bean has spotted a fan on the other side of the room. He
moves around the room, always facing straight to the wall. When he
reaches the fan, he switches it on: unfortunately it's a rotating fan
- so to keep the wind on his trousers, BEAN has to do a strange,
rhythmic dancing movement, following the arc of the fan.
DAVID
It's very good Bernie.
BERNIE
But the particular glory of the system... is that it can
also work oh large screens in each individual room - so we
can network the program to every room in the gallery.
GRIERSON
Not bad, eh? What do you think, Doctor? Ah.... Doctor
Bean?
BEAN turns, shocked to have been observed. He looks down at his
trousers and, HOORAY!, they're dry at last. He's delighted, and
moves back across the road towards them, hands in pockets, in a big,
confident, groin-thrusting, dry-trouser boasting walk.
GRIERSON
Well, thanks for dropping by. Enjoy your stay with our
Vice President and his family. They're simple people.-
.but warm, yes, Doctor?
BEAN
I'm not actually... um...
GRIERSON
... Settled in yet. I know. Plenty of time. Bernie,
perhaps you'd like to take Dr. Bean on a tour of the
gallery.
BERNIE
Absolutely. This way, sir.
BEAN displays his crotch proudly one last time before he and BERNIE
exit. GRIERSON tries to fathom the strange man who just left.
GRIERSON
He's a genius, right?
43
DAVID
Ah... He certainly has something, sir.
GRIERSON
Very pleased you've taken him in, David. At a time when
no-one's job is safe, it really identifies you as a team
player.
DAVID
Yes, although, I really..... thank you. Yes, it's great
to have him with us. The whole family's very excited.
GRIERSON
Glad to hear it. Tell poor Mr Larson to come through,
will you?
DAVID
You're not going to ....
GRIERSON
Sack him? David, what else can I do? This business is
not, repeat, not breaking even. And David ... notice
anything this morning?
DAVID frowns then sees.
DAVID
You've tinted your hair? It takes years off you, sir.
GRIERSON beams.
MIX THROUGH TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
End of the day.. ANNIE perks up at the reception desk as DAVID, but
especially BEAN, approaches from the gallery area. She has a pile of
tissues near-by and draws a heart on one of them. She arranges it on
the counter-top where BEAN could not fail to see it on his way to the
exit.
DAVID
Goodnight Annie.
ANNIE
Night.
BEAN does not even notice her. As DAVID heads for the exit, BEAN
suddenly sneezes.
44
He reaches for ANNIE's love message and blows his nose on it. He
drops the tissue in a bin as he exits.
ANNIE sighs her disappointment.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BY PARKING LOT - DAY
(About 5 p.m.) BEAN and DAVID head for the parking lot. On the way,
BEAN's interest is drawn to the MIME ARTIST we met before in his
Clinton mask, performing his heart out in front of the Dead Cars
sculpture. BEAN lingers.
The MIME accosts a woman, pretending to brush dust from her clothes,
comb her hair etc. The MIME is a bit of a pain in the ass really.
The woman quickly moves on.
BEAN is intrigued. The MIME mimes climbing a ladder. BEAN goes up
next to him - and looks up. There's nothing there. He decides the
MIME is a bit of a tricky. This is confirmed when the MIME pretends
he's locked behind a pane of glass. BEAN simply pokes his finger
through the imaginary glass wall, and hits the MIME's nose.
CUT TO: DAVID watching bemusedly some way off.
The MIME is however delighted someone is taking an interest at last.
He takes a handkerchief from BEAN's pocket, and gets BEAN to guess
which hand the hanky's in. It's not in the left. Not in the right.
BEAN isn't the slightest bit impressed - he just reaches round and
takes the hank-y from where it's tucked into the MIME's trousers -
and heads away. As he moves off, the MIME touches h' on the shoulder.
BEAN turns and the MIME starts a mocking gun duel. He draws his guns.
BEAN is pretty unimpressed.
The MIME turns his back and walks the 10 paces to draw. 4 He
turns ....
But now BEAN decides to settles it once and for all. In a brilliant
piece of big mime, he puts together the biggest gun ever seen outside
an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. He sets up a pedestal - opens a case
~ lifts out a hugely heavy gun - then the 7 bits that click on that
gun. Then opens another case, and takes out the huge artillery shell
to load it.
The MIME is getting very frightened. Then BEAN pulls up an imaginary
stool to sit behind his mega-Gatling Gun. The MIME begins to run
away. BEAN twirls in his imaginary seat, and lines up his sights,
following the terrified MIME.
45
Finally, in a BOOM that almost knocks BEAN out of his imaginary seat,
he fires. 10 seconds delay, and the MIME falls in a very dramatic
death, 50 yards away.
BEAN is happy - and heads back to the parking lot where DAVID, arms
folded, leans against his car. DAVID gets into his car. BEAN opens
the passenger door and thumps it loudly into the side of the expensive
car next-door (same as this morning).
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOPPING MALL. PARKING LOT - DAY
DAVID parks next to a beaten up convertible.
DAVID
Okay. I'll get some steaks. Alison loves steak ... Wine
- good. Candy? No candy. Alison hates candy. We gotta
do this right, Bean, or ... (looks at Bean) Just stay out
of trouble, okay?
BEAN nods. DAVID gets out and heads for the mall. Nearby woman
tramp (BAG LADY) goes through a trash can.
BEAN tries to control himself but weakens. He plays with all the
buttons and switches on the dashboard; windshield wipers, lights.
Then he notices a throbbing noise ... He gets out of the car to
investigate.
BEAN swiftly locates the throbbing sound. The e-empty convertible has
its engine running. BEAN notices the keys in the ignition. How
stupid of someone. He turns off the engine and takes out the keys.
There are several people returning to their cars with groceries. BEAN
offers the car keys to them as if to say: "Are these yours?"
[The following should take place at quite a speed, real drama.]
Then suddenly, A ROBBER dashes towards BEAN from the direction ' of
the Mall, weaving in and out of parked cars, with a small white
carrier bag, assumedly full of money. He wears jeans, a black polo-
neck and, much to BEAN's delight, a PRESIDENT CLINTON face-mask. As
far as BEAN's concerned, this is his old friend, the MIME.
ROBBER throws the bag of money on to the back seat of the convertible
and gets in - but he cant find the keys to start it. He frantically
searches all his pockets ...
46
BEAN leans into shot. He holds out the keys, grinning.
ROBBER
Gimme the keys!
BEAN runs away with them. Or doesn't! He is in mime mode - And runs
on the spot, getting faster and faster. The ROBBER approaches this
obvious madman. He is quite a tough, scary, and scared individual.
ROBBER
I said, give me the keys!
BEAN turns and holds out two hands, just like the MIME did to him.
The perplexed ROBBER picks one hand. Wrong one. He then.... pulls a
gun and puts it hard to MR BEAN in BEAN's face. Passers-by scream and
fall to the ground, the bag lady amongst them. Sudden harsh reality.
But not to BEAN. He simply takes the gun, and waves it in the
ROBBER's face, ticking him off for breaking the rules.
ROBBER
OKAY, OKAY - TAKE IT EASY!!!
BEAN gestures the ROBBER to turn around. He does, sure this sicko is
going simply to shoot him in the head. But instead BEAN puts his back
to the ROBBER's back, and starts to count
BEAN
1,2,3,4, 5, 6,7,8, 9,10
He turns and gestures to the ROBBER it's time to draw. By this time a
crowd has gathered.
ROBBER
But I haven't got a f.....
BEAN
Ssssh!!!!
He points out a small child, watching from behind a trash can.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOPPING MALL. EXT. COFFEE SHOP ~ DAY
DAVID is hurrying back to the parking lot, with a bag of groceries,
and a big bunch of red roses.. He stops dead in his tracks as he spots
something ...
47
ALISON and CHARLES are sitting up on stools, in the window of a coffee
shop. ALISON laughs at something that CHARLES says. Their body
language suggests a certain closeness. DAVID is saddened. He hurries
away.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOPPING MALL. PARKING LOT ~ DAY
BEAN waves the gun at the ROBBER.
ROBBER
I haven't got a gun.
But BEAN is pushing him to draw. Finally...
ROBBER
Okay, okay, I'11 do it!
He draws. BEAN draws too. They fire. And BEAN really fires. To his
amazement. Onlookers scream. BEAN throws the gun away in startlement.
The ROBBER lunges for it ~ BEAN kicks it away, trying to help him
avoid such a dangerous implement.
The ROBBER lunges at BEAN who throws the keys away over his shoulder.
The ROBBER has to scrabble under a car for them- BEAN thinks of final
joke - and niftly swaps the ROBBER's bag, for one of the Old BAG
LADY's bags. A few dollar notes spill out of it.
When the ROBBER emerges with the keys, BEAN 's waiting to escort him
to his car. He opens the door - then spots a tourist hiding and puts
his arm around the ROBBER and gets him to take a photograph of them.
BEAN removes the ROBBER's mask as the picture is taken. Forgetting
himself, the ROBBER smiles for the camera.
The ROBBER, jolted back to reality by the sound of approaching Police
car sirens, jumps in the car and drives away. BEAN waves goodbye to
the convertible as a couple of Police cars screech up. COPS jump out.
DAVID approaches the scene with groceries and roses. What kind of hell
has BEAN caused now? But instead of trouble, he sees the passers-by
are getting to their feet, applauding BEAN and whistling! They crowd
round the COPS explaining what a hero BEAN has been.
BEAN hands over the gun to a COP. He doesn't really understand what
all the fuss is about. He notices the BAG
48
LADY wandering away with her bags. Should he tell her that he has
swapped one of them for the ROBBER'S? No. He's getting too much
attention to be bothered. A COP comes up to BEAN. It is COP 1 from
the airport scene.
COP 1
Excuse me. Mr. er ... Cabbage?
Sudden mutual recognition.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE PRECINCT. INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT
Classic smoked filled room with street light cutting through half
closed Venetian blinds. Two or three DETECTIVES slouched in the
shadows.
BRUTUS, the huge black detective from earlier, sits opposite BEAN at a
table, smoking. He is looking at a photo. A close-up reveals it to
be a full length one of BEAN and the ROBBER outside the mall with the
ROBBER's face unmasked. BRUTUS eyes BEAN for a while. BEAN is
terrified. BRUTUS taps the photo.
BRUTUS
It's Eddie Guardino. Go pick him up.
One of the DETECTIVES lazily leaves the room. BRUTUS leans forward on
his elbows.
BRUTUS
Guardino fled the scene with 160 K, in a white plastic bag.
We got the car. We got the bag. And we got 20 pairs of
stinking pantyhose. (drags on his cigarette) Anything you
wanna tell me?
BEAN looks at h4-m blankly. BRUTUS holds up the photo.
BRUTUS
'Fraid I'm gonna have to keep this.
BEAN calmly takes the picture and tears it in half. He gives back the
ROBBER half and puts the other half, with himself on, into his pocket.
BRUTUS glares at him.
BRUTUS
Mr. Bean. You lookin' to stay long in California?
49
BEAN grins. At last. A question he can answer. He nods, happily.
MR. BEAN
Oh, yes.
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARYS' HOUSE. KITCHEN - NIGHT
DAVID is talking to KEVIN. BEAN is there. In the background,
Jennifer plays with a computer game. DAVID is very animated.
DAVID
He was incredible. This guy is fearless. He has no fear.
KEVIN
That's one - way of looking at it. You might also say
this guy is brainless he has no brain'.
DAVID
Well, there is that ...
KEVIN
(TO BEAN )
I'11 give you a chance... Know anything about computers?
BEAN
Ahm....
CUT TO:
INT. THE LEARYS' HOUSE. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
KEVIN is playing an adventure game: 'GOBLINS 2' [This game exists.]
The GOBLINS chuckle and make stupid noises that BEAN can imitate. A
catchy piece of music accompanies the game.
The computer monitor shows the inside of the WIZARD's house. KEVIN
moves the GOBLINS, and two little characters, FINGUS and WINKLE,
around the room by clicking on areas in the room with his mouse.
BEAN and KEVIN are both wearing pointed goblin hats made from
newspaper.
50
KEVIN
It's so embarrassing. All the guys I know are on Goblins
3 and I'm still stuck with the lousy Wizard in Goblins 2.
BEAN is interested in the computer because he likes the cute little
GOBLINS. He gets his delighted face right up to the screen. He
sings along with the catchy tune. KEVIN is getting frustrated.
KEVIN
Come on, winkle.
KEVIN clicks on a cuckoo clock in the WIZARD's room. The cuckoo pops
out holding a key in its beak.
KEVIN
It's gotta be here. Something to get the key away from
the stupid cuckoo.
BEAN scans the monitor screen: he spots a little frog at the bottom
of the scene. His eyes light up. He takes the mouse and rapidly and
repeatedly clicks on the frog.
BEAN
Click, click, click, click, click ...
The frog croaks and jumps off a little round stone. KEVIN gets
excited.
KEVIN
How'd you do that!? That was so obvious!!!
BEAN grins and makes WINKLE pick up the stone. Then he clicks
through to inside the wizard's house. He makes WINKLE throw the
stone at the cuckoo which instantly drops the key from its beak.
KEVIN
Beanie, you are waaaaay Cool!
KEVIN slaps BEAN on the back. BEAN is delighted. Close on monitor,
showing The Goblin game-
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY
Another game. JENNIFER'S Super Nintendo game on TV in the lounge
area. It is a Gothic game where he-man types attack Vampires and
bats with swords.
51
DAVID is in the kitchen - setting out the roses in a vase. The door
opens - enter ALISON. Some tension.
DAVID
Hi,
ALISON
Hi..... (PAUSE ) Roses.
DAVID
Yes. And I have a wine for dinner
that will kill you.
ALISON
Great. ( SHE SETTLES A LITTLE ) You said you'd ask
Grierson about putting our guest somewhere else. Did you?
DAVID
Sort of half.....
ALISON
Meaning?
DAVID
I was sort of half way through the sentence in which I
would have asked him when it suddenly seemed like a
mistake.
ALISON
Honestly David, you're so spineless.
Pause. Jennifer looks around. She can't help but hear. Not a happy
experience.
DAVID
Roses. Wine.
He is asking her for softness. Pause. At which moment BEAN enters
wearing pointy hat. He helps himself to a melon from a bowl. He grins
and exits. ALISON looks at DAVID sadly.
ALISON
But no real change.
Almost instantly, BEAN is back. He rummages through a drawer and
takes out some large elastic bands. And leaves.
ALISON
I really do need some time on my own. Away from here.
52
DAVID
Look, Bean's history. I swear to you, he's packing as we
speak. And you can't leave. ( HE PICKS UP THE BAMBI )
I've got Bambi. You never go anywhere without him.
Please let's just talk.
ALISON
Okay. ( GHOST OF A SMILE ) Put Bambi down, and we'll talk.
He puts Bambi down on the side-table, on the flat surface of his CD
player. BEAN appears again behind her, now looking even madder.
Pointy hat, large pointy ears made from melon peel, held in place by
the rubber band stretched round his face ~ huge front teeth also cut
from the melon. He grins gleefully.
DAVID and ALISON just stare. BEAN is followed by KEVIN who wears the
same ears and teeth.
DAVID
Look, you guys, could you just give us a moment to ...
Jennifer - could you turn that damn thing down.
It is quite loud. JENNIFER looks for the remote control. BEAN
helpfully picks up a remote control from the sofa and points it across
the room.
ALISON
No, that's not for the TV. That's for the ...
Too late! BEAN punches a button and the lid of the CD
player launches the Bambi into the air.
DAVID sees it. In slow motion he dives dramatically and just misses
it. It smashes on the floor.
BEAN raises his eyes heavenwards, shakes his head and tuts. He thinks
DAVID is a real Butter Fingers.
JENNIFER, upset, has found the TV remote and unintentionally switches
from the Vampire game to a TV channel. It's very loud.
ALISON gives DAVID a tearful look, and shakes her head.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE NIGHT.
A taxi drives away. Alison is in it.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY- NIGHT.
JENNIFER and KEVIN are in their night clothes. They sit with David on
the stairs ~ still looking at the door-Alison left through.
KEVIN
I wish I could use that at school. "Hey, Teach, no
hard feelings ... It's just things between us ain't
what they used to be and I need a little space, ya
know? So I'11 see you around in a couple of years,
maybe".
JENNIFER
It's a kind of an interesting swap. Mom for the Man from
Ga Ga.
She gets up and walks away.
DAVID
Jen - you don't wanna talk about it?
JENNIFER
It's you and Mom that need to talk.
DAVID
Sure. You're right.
KEVIN
You know, Mr. Bean's okay. You're not gonna kick him out,
are you, Dad?
JENNIFER
(FROM HER DOOR)
Of course he is.
KEVIN
Are you?
DAVID
Yes, I am. I must.
CUT TO:
INT. HALL/BEAN'S ROOM. DAY.
DAVID heads for Mr BEAN's room, and knocks cautiously on the door.
54
BEAN
(o. o. v)
Enter.
DAVID enters - Camera follows as DAVID finds his way through BEAN's
washing hanging from strings across the room. BEAN is sticking
things in a picture album.
DAVID
Hi, am I disturbing you?
BEAN gives him an affable smile. In a pause before he quite gathers
himself to broach the difficult subject, DAVID asks a polite question.
DAVID
May I?
BEAN acquiesces. He starts from the beginning, with pictures of him
as a kid. Always standing on his own.
Picture of BEAN with mop of frizzy hair, at 16. DAVID smiles. BEAN
mimes stupid disco dancing.
DAVID turns another page. It is a sequence of pictures of BEAN at
famous UK locations - Big Ben, Stonehenge, Buckingham Palace, 10
Downing Street. They are .idiosyncratic because all taken by him at
arms length with his Polaroid - so he never quite makes it squarely
into shot.
A whole page of Teddy. Then three pages of BEAN's mini with dates,
on labels, going way back.
Then a whole page of garden gnomes.
DAVID
None of your folks here - Family?
BEAN starts to look for something in particular. DAVID uses the
pause to broach the awful subject.
DAVID
Look... the reason I came in here was to ... well... since
you've been here twelve all...
BEAN has found what he was looking for. It is the picture of the
family that he took from the landing on his first night here. What's
left of the Polaroid of himself, from the mall, that he rescued from
BRUTUS, is stuck next to it. He's even written - 'Bean & Family' - he
doesn't realise there's anything sad about it. But DAVID is rather
moved. Pause.
55
DAVID
Well, that's er...great. Look, I just came in ... (no, he
cant do it) ... to say good night. Okay?
BEAN nods. DAVID smiles and goes to the door.
BE-AN waves good-bye a little rudely and gets back to the album. Even
when we feel sorry for him, he's a little rude. DAVID walks away,
shaking his head.
DAVID
Spineless.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID AND ALISON'S BEDROOM.
The first morning without ALISON. "She's Gone" by Hall & Oats begins
to play, a song full of yearning.
DAVID feels the other side of the bed. No-one there.
He walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower. Then walks back
into the bedroom - She's gone - I've got to learn how to face it " He
takes a towel from a cupboard and returns to the bathroom. He feels
very alone.
He removes his pyjamas and gets into the steam-filled shower. - she's
gone - she's gone" - but the camera moves to reveal that he is not
alone after all. BEAN has, simply entered the shower, and is now
happily soaping himself, wearing ALISON's shower cap. manly screams
from the both of them.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. CANTEEN - DAY.
DAVID sitting down at table, with BEAN, who is tucking in happily ~
eating a burger & bun with knife and fork. DAVID speaks after a
longish pause.
DAVID
Bean can I ask you something?
BEAN nods.
DAVID
Do you think you can ever really know someone? Even if
you've known them, well, almost all your life? What do
you think?
56
BEAN thinks hard, then looks at his watch, makes his excuses and
simple walks away.
CUT TO:
INT. GALLERY CORRIDOR. DAY.
BEAN at a pay phone. He dials carefully-
CUT TO:
INT. BEAN'S BED-SIT. DAY
10 am U.K. time. (The following takes place in a matter of seconds)
Close on the T.V. A morning kids show blares out. A huge wardrobe
stands four feet away from a wall. There is a string tied to one of
it's door handles, stretching out of shot. The wardrobe seems to be
leaning backwards at an angel. It rocks slightly and creaks.
(Feature its padlock).
There is a folded ironing board balanced over a roll of hall carpet,
see-saw fashion. One end of it is wedged under the wardrobe.
BEAN's G.P.O. phone rings on the table and it's vibrations cause the
bust of BEETHOVEN to fall over the edge of the table. It lands on
the end of the ironing board. The Wardrobe groans as it is set off
balance and falls against the wall with a heavy thump! and raising of
dust. The string tied to its handle becomes taut.
CUT TO: the T.V. plug in its socket. This end of the string is tied
to it. The string tightens and the plug is yanked out of the socket.
The T.V. screen goes blank. Shot of TEDDY in the cardboard hotel'.
CUT TO:
INT. CANTEEN. DAY.
BEAN returns, sits down and starts to eat again. David is still deep
in thought.
DAVID
Well, they say there's only one way to get over this sort
of thing. Take it day by day. Keep working. Keep to
your normal patterns. That's the only hope. So let's
just ... take today shall we?
57
BEAN nods. He is not on David's emotional level here.
DAVID
I think the time has come from you to meet the grand
Madame. She's all around you ... how do you fancy meeting
her in the flesh?
Sure enough, all around are posters, and the silhouette of Whistler's
Mother. BEAN nods, though fairly distracted by the slice of gherkin
he's found in his bun and now picks out with his fingers.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY.
BEAN and David en route to the painting.
DAVID
I usually only let her out for the big summer exhibition -
but' let's see whether what they say about the healing
power of great works of art is true, huh?
CUT TO:
INT. THE WHOLE GALLERY - DAY
BEAN and DAVID do the rest of the journey, in quick cuts - along
corridors - in an elevator. A sense of expectation and excitement.
En route, they are joined by ELMER, the huge Security Guard.
The three arrive outside a large oak door. ELMER ceremoniously
unlocks the door, all the time glaring at BEAN - who swallows hard.
A light turns green and a buzzer sounds.
Then there is the door to the inner sanctum. ELMER stares at BEAN as
he unlocks it. Another light turns green and another buzzer sounds.
DAVID
As you can see, security's pretty tight in this section.
Nobody gets past Elmer here. Isn't that right?
ELMER
Not in one piece anyway. I see Mrs Whistler as kind of ...
like my own dear mother. I'd kill any man that tried to
interfere with her. The Vice President here will vouch
for that.
58
DAVID
You've known me five years Elmer. When do you get to
calling me David?
ELMER
Not my place, sir. It would only be a matter of time
before I'm calling you Dave. Then where would we be? By
next year, you're my Sweety-Pie" and I'm "Coochie-Coo".
I'11 be back in 15.
He salutes, glares at BEAN and walks away. BEAN and DAVID enters the
room. BEAN looks warily back at ELMER
DAVID
You think he's tough you should see the size of the hunk
that works the night shift.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.
The room is very dark, only tiny lights in the corner.
DAVID
Stay there. Keep your eyes closed. One final lock, one
final key.
DAVID unlocks double doors in a wall with a plastic key card. Buzz -
click! The camera holds on BEAN, his eyes tight shut. The lights go
up on BEAN's face, a magical golden glow.
DAVID
Right. Open now.
Cut round - and there is this beautiful and very famous painting,
lovingly shot. Music. Atmosphere. Glory.
BEAN opens his eyes and looks at the painting.
BEAN
Mmmmm. Nice.
DAVID
I'11 leave you with her for a few minutes. I'm sure
you'll want to give her a proper inspection. But whatever
you do, don't leave the room. Megasecurity, okay? Catch
you.
BEAN nods. DAVID leaves him. BEAN is still for a while and then goes
up and inspects it closely.
59
He tuts disapprovingly as he spots dust on the bottom of the frame.
He blows it away fussily. He steps back to admire the painting.
There is dust up his nose and... SNEEZE - all over the painting!
He takes out his handkerchief and wipes the spittle off in panic.
Then looks back at the painting. Unfortunately, there now seems to be
a big blue mark right across Mrs Whistler's face..
BEAN checks his handkerchief. Yes, there's wet ink all over it. He
finds the leaking pen in his pocket. 0 God. He takes out his shirt,
spits on it and tries to wipe the painting, but he can't make the
shirt reach it. He takes the painting down from the wall and has
another go. NO GOOD! The ink just spreads right over Whistler's
Mother's pure white collar.
BEAN now looks round in panic. What the hell can he do? He goes to
the heavy door - and looks out into the corridor. He hears someone
coming, hides and sees a young girl from the catering staff wheeling a
slightly squeaky trolley past, covered with a white cloth.
He goes back in - and has an idea. He goes to a little table in the
corner and begins to take thing off it.
CUT TO:
INT. GALLERY. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY.
The door opens, and BEAN emerges, pushing what appears to be a trolley
covered with a white cloth. Although, if you look carefully, this
trolley actually has no legs. It is the painting covered with the
table cloth. To make it a bit more convincing, BEAN makes an apt
squeaky noise.
He proceeds along the thin corridor - and then sees another exactly
similar trolley coming right towards him.' A problem. As they get
close, BEAN suddenly pretends he sees something astonishing behind the
on-coming man.
BEAN
(silently mouths)
What the ... !!!
When the man turns, BEAN just twists his painting sideways and shoots
past him. We see the face of the deeply perplexed trolley-pusher when
he looks back and BEAN is no longer there. He turns round to BEAN,
who turns back to him with a totally blank and innocent look. BEAN
sees an elevator and heads for it.
CUT TO:
60
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. ELEVATOR - DAY
Inside the elevator, BEAN relaxes for a moment. He leans the painting
against the wall and presses the third floor button. The bell dings.
ELEVATOR VOICE
Second floor.
BEAN manages to get the painting into trolley position before the
doors open to a group of six very fat middle aged people. They all
wear large badges declaring them to be members of a 'Diet Club'. They
squeeze into the elevator along both sides of BEAN's trolley. There
is a very, very, THIN WOMAN behind them who can't fit on.
THIN WOMAN
I guess I'll see you up there, guys.
The doors close. As the painting is wedged against the fat people's
stomachs on both sides, BEAN is able to let go of it and make a great
show of checking his watch. He nonchalantly, drums the fingers of
both hands on the top of the trolley'. The bell dings.
ELEVATOR VOICE
Third floor.
The doors open. BEAN flips the painting onto its side and strolls out
of the elevator. The 'Diet Cub, members stare, after him.
BEAN heads on, squeaking - and at last sees what he's looking for. A
men's room.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. MEN'S ROOM - DAY
BEAN enters, relieved. It is small, just a little sink, a towel and a
toilet. About a yard wide - but the picture fits in.
BEAN starts to wash the painting very carefully and lo!! The ink
starts to come off. Massive relief. Then, alas, someone tries the
handle of the door. BEAN speeds up. A knock. He peers out the
keyhole. There are now 4 people waiting. BEAN is very worried.
CUT TO:
61
INT.-GRIERSON GALLERY. OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM - DAY
Pause. Then out comes BEAN, drying his empty hands, miming, "Sorry,
Sorry.". We see into the toilet. nothing there. No sign of the
painting. BEAN turns sharply left.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY
DAVID is talking to BERNIE in the grounds. We can see the side of the
whole gallery in shot as they talk.
BERNIE
I was hoping DU. Bean might take a look at my computer
project today.
DAVID
Yes. I'11 mention it to him. But ... he's kind of his
own guy, you know?
BERNIE
Howls he getting on with the family?
DAVID
Ah. Fine. It's good. It's great.
We will be slightly distracted by the observation that Whistler's
Mother, America's most valuable painting, is at this moment balanced
on a very thin ledge three floors up - where Bean has put in, outside
the Men's room window. A bird and then a couple more birds perch on
it.
BERNIE
And howls Alison?
DAVID
She's ... well, she's good.
BERNIE
Saw her at the movies the other night with that boss of
hers. Nice guy. Good looking.
DAVID
Yes, isn't he.
BERNIE
It's great when people who work together can become real
friends.
DAVID
Isn't it?
62
BERNIE
I like to think that's what's happened with you and me ...
even though you're kinda my boss. Still maybe it won't
always be that way, huh?
DAVID doesn't quite see what BERNIE is getting at but smiles politely.
Now we see BEAN's plan - he has emerged at a nearby window. He can't
reach the painting at first. So he stretches further and further out
the window. No good. Finally he has to go out on the ledge. He
shoos away the birds, who then decide to settle on him instead.
Finally he gets a hand on the painting. As he does so, he loses hold.
He just manages to grabs a window before he falls.
DAVID
Look, I've left Bean on his own. Nice to chat though
Bernie - always a subtle joy.
BERNIE
Thanks, David. Always a pleasure.
Period.
BEAN is slowly managing to claw his way back towards the open window
with the painting. It is an extraordinary piece of acrobatics. DAVID
turns to go.
BERNIE
By the way. Don't know what you think, Mr Vice President,
but I've been hinting to the old man that someone's got to
have the balls to take some sort of emergency measures
around here - or we're all in the
crap house. What do you think?
DAVID
'Emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?
BERNIE
Not necessarily. That's where this ... ( POINTS TO HIS
BRAIN ) comes in. No, I've had a better idea than sacking
people. You'll hear soon enough.
BERNIE grins and walks away. Bean does one final swing, and ....
CUT TO:
63
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. STOREROOM - DAY.
A small storeroom where Bean's wriggling bottom is just coming back
through the window. He has the picture and is safe.
He sets the picture down on a table. Darn! The birds have done their
business on it.
He maniacally rummages through various dusty cans and bottles on a
shelf. He chooses a can, too rusty to read its label, takes off the
lid and sniffs. This smells like the right sort of stuff. He pours
the liquid on to a rag and rubs it on the face of Mrs. Whistler. The
solvent effortlessly removes the ink stain. Whistler's Mother looks
as good as new.
BEAN is so, so, relieved. But then he notices something else
happening. The liquid did not stop with removing the stain. It is
now busy removing Whistler's Mother's face entirely. As Bean watches-
in frozen horror, America's most famous painting turns back to a blank
canvas.
BEAN thinks for a second - and then has a desperate thought. Removing
the pen that started all the trouble, he decides to try to draw back
on Whistler's Mother's 'face. He doesn't have much time. It shows.
Where once was a sublime oil painting, is now a biro line-drawing
which looks a little like Danny de Vito.
Bean lifts it against the wall to check how it's worked.
Unfortunately, there's a nail there. The picture tears, Bean panics -
it tears even more. Total destruction.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY.
BEAN Hurries down the corridor with his pseudo-trolley again, and a
vaguely mad look on his face. He spots ANNIE at a drinks machine.
She smiles sweetly (here comes her man) BEAN takes a sharp left into
an adjacent corridor. ANNIE is hurt.
ANNIE
True love can be very hard.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WRONG ROOM - DAY
Close on the double doors (identical to those of the Whistler Room)
BEAN enters with the Painting, under the
64
cloth. He closes the doors and rests a moment to catch his breath. He
takes a step into the room and freezes.
The very fat 'Diet Club, people are seated at easels, paint brushes
poised. The very THIN WOMAN is standing in the centre of the room in
her underwear with a Greek urn perched on her shoulder. All eyes are
on BEAN, who exits very quickly.
CUT TO:
INT. INNER SANCTUM. WHISTLER ROOM DAY.
BEAN gets back to the right rooms and closes the door desperately
behind him.
He stands frozen for a second - and at that moment, a hand tries the
door. BEAN leaps at it and stops. the handle turning. Then there's a
knock. BEAN moves the big table in front of the door - he's
barricading himself in. There's a famous Rodin sculpture in there -
he shoves it along to block, the door as well. When he's succeeded,
he leans hot and sweaty against it - and a door on the other side of
the room calmly opens and .... DAVID walks in.
DAVID
Seems to be a problem with the door.(PAUSE) Where's the
picture gone?
BEAN
Ahm.....
DAVID
What? What?
Pause. Pause. BEAN finally shows it. Not a pretty sight.
DAVID
Oh Jesus. Oh God. Oh Jesus God. Oh Mary Mother of Jesus.
Oh Jesus of Nazareth.
BEAN
oh dear.
DAVID
What happened?!!!
BEAN
Ahm.... (setting himself up for an interesting,
comprehensive answer).
65
DAVID
Don't bother (panicking) Oh my god.....
He rushes to the door he just came in - and locks it.
Wait a minute - why am I worrying about this? I did it. I
just go out and tell them what happened - you're a madman
from England and you did this terrible thing and it's not
my fault. That's right, isn't it?
BEAN nods, knowing he deserves his doom.
Perfect - and then they say - who left him alone with the
picture?" And I say - "me". And they say "you're fired".
And I say ' right'. And so I get fired and you go to jail
and no one's any happier.
BEAN shakes his head.
And then they say, "firing David isn't enough - let's
prosecute him for negligence. And they prosecute me and
it turns out I was negligent and I go to jail, and my wife
leaves me and my daughter becomes a prostitute and I end
up on Death Row sharing a cell with Butch McDick, the
infamous gay rapist - or worse, I end up in the same cell
as you!
BEAN looks hurt.
No, no...Now, let's just be calm let's think about this
calmly. (he tries - and fails ... ) Oh Godigodigod! Okay,
now wait. Let's have another look at it.
BEAN shows it to him.
Jesus!!! I'm already thinking back to 5 minutes ago as
paradise. 5 minutes ago - just walking along, shooting the
breeze with my old pal Bernie.
BEAN then he has a brilliant idea. He hangs the painting back up in
the security cupboard and closes the doors. Then he removes from his
pocket a small note book.
66
He scribbles something on it, tears the page out, licks it and sticks
it on the cupboard door. It reads 'OUT OF ORDER'.
DAVID
Brilliant. Brilliant. Problem solved!
BEAN is delighted.
Apart from the tiny drawback that the first person who
opens the cupboard will say -"Look, someone's totally
destroyed Whistler's Mother- let's kill them".
BEAN is less delighted.
No - the most important thing is tbat no-one sees it.
Ever again!
He locks the cupboard with his plastic card key-
That's the first thing. Then ... that's the first
thing.... Next ... next is the next thing which is...
obviously... ritual suicide. Look, let's get out of
here. Try to act natural.
The let themselves out and go into the corridor- BEAN acting his
version of 'natural' - very liquid.
CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR. DAY-
They bump straight into GRIERSON and ELMER.
GRIERSON
Ah, David. Showing Dr. Bean our good lady?
BEAN
Actually I'm not a...
DAVID
That's right - Whistler's Mother. Looking at his mother -
not his father - not interested in his father, Couldn't
give a flying doughnut for his sisters or brothers - just
his mother. Yes.
GRIERSON
Well, good - think I may go and look at her myself...
67
DAVID
No!
GRIERSON
Er ... pray tell me why?
ELMER
Because they've just cut her into tiny pieces, sir.
That's why.
BEAN and DAVID die and go to hell until ELMER laughs at his own little
joke. GRIERSON laughs too.
ELMER
I better continue my rounds, sir..
He strolls away.
DAVID
The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a
very thorough inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here -
and we feel the time's come for Whistler's Mum to have her
first face-lift.
GRIERSON
Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?
DAVID
Exactly. She's in a surprisingly terrible state. Isn't
she, Bean?
BEAN
Oh yes.
DAVID
Whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great
chooser of paints ....
BEAN hudders at the thought of his paint-choosing.
The colours are beginning to fade. However ~ if you give me just one
little year I can restore the picture to its original glory, the way
it looked when Whistler's Mom first looked at it and said.... 0
Actually I'm not sure you've got the hair right, darling." By the way,
your hair is looking great today, sir.
68
GRIERSON
Thank you David. However, flattery will get you nowhere.
Truth is, I have a rather different plan for Whistler's
dear Mama. Bernie and I have been inspecting our books -
and the long and short of it is, we cannot survive with
our current losses, so ...
DAVID
... you have to sack me. I understand, sir. I'll go
quietly. In fact I'll go right now.
GRIERSON
No. no, no, hold on ... We cant sustain our loses - so
I've decided.. to sell Whistler's Mother.
DAVID lets out a little yelp.
GRIERSON
Brilliant, huh? I already have a prospective buyer - the
current Governor of California, no less, who is flies in
tomorrow to inspect her and clinch the deal. Spread the
news. I think decisive leadership has done the trick,
don't you?
DAVID
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Congratulations. Marvellous thing.
Bravo.
GRIERSON leaves. DAVID turns to BEAN.
DAVID
Bean. Do you drink?
BEAN shakes his head.
DAVID
Neither do I.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
It is very late and very gloomy. Just a couple of loners staring into
their drinks. The BARTENDER is up one end of the counter, smoking and
reading the sports pages. There is a T.V. on above the bar, showing
baseball.
69
BEAN and DAVID are sitting up at the bar. The latter has had far too
much whisky and looks the worse for it. BEAN has a tall glass packed
with fruit and paper umbrellas. We can guess how much he's had to
drink by the way he has difficulty finding the straw with his mouth.
DAVID almost, but not quite, slurs his words:
DAVID
It's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it ... lose your
job - lose you wife ... C'est la vie. You ever been
married, Bean?
He turns to BEAN who has the end of a straw up his nose.
DAVID
I guess not.
He fills his glass from a bottle.
You know, I don't get it. The New Artist exhibition-this
year - people might not all have liked the dead sheep,
but ... the place didn't look that empty to me. It wasn't
full but I saw people. I just don't understand how the
gallery can be so bankrupt they have to sell the Whistler.
He looks at BEAN who now has peanuts in each nostril.
DAVID notices the BARTENDER looking at BEAN strangely ....
DAVID
He's English, okay? You wanna make something of it?
BARTENDER goes back to reading. DAVID searches for his last train of
thought, taking a huge swig from his drink.
DAVID
... To hell with the figures. I'm not a damn accountant.
I'm an artist. You know, me and Ali met in art school? I
cut quite a figure then. Far cry from the man you see
before you now. Then, I smoked Gitanes before I went to
bed, to help me sort out the problems of the world. Now,
I take a spoonful of laxative before I go to bed to help
me sort out the problem with my bowels.
70
BEAN at that moment is keen to show DAVID his nut trick. He throws a
peanut high into the air - and catches it in his mouth. Then does two.
Then does it with his eyes closed. Actually, it's rather impressive.
DAVID
Truth is, I disappointed her. I turned out to have no
spine. Spineless. A kind of medical miracle. Mr
Flippy-Floppy. I just don't seem to be able to fight -
cant stick up for myself. Too nice. I mean, I should
never have let you come stay and I should be handing you
over to the police right now. Shall I tell you something,
Beanie ...
Bean has been interested all this, even looking to check whether David
does indeed have no spine. But now the baseball on the TV is making
it hard for him to concentrate on-this important confidence. He
raises a finger, for DAVID to be quiet for a second. He blows a
peanut from his, nostril at the T.V. - it hits the button, and changes
station to a pleasant quiet-music station.
DAVID
Do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?
BEAN nods his head, very curious, listening hard.
This is it. Because you moved into my house, my wife has
left me. She might have done it anyway - but you were
the ten ton weight that broke the camel's spinal column.
BEAN stares at DAVID - something is getting in he's actually
registering this.
That's point one. And point two - is that you've
destroyed Whistler's Mother, which was' the last hope for
the place where I work. So within a week, I'm going to
lose my job as well.
BEAN nods, seriously dispirited.
71
DAVID
So, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life. Do you
understand? You've put me in a position where it would
have been better if I'd never been born.
He puts his hand on BEAN'S shoulder. BEAN looks down.
Very sad. This is actually the first time in his life that he's
realised that his actions have really effected the life of another
person. BEAN looks up sadly. Sad music plays.
CUT TO:
INT. LEARY HOUSE. DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT
DAVID is asleep in bed. The camera moves out into the hall and into
BEAN's room.
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BEAN'S ROOM- NIGHT.
BEAN is lying, fully dressed, in the darkness, on his back. Thinking.
Worried by what he's heard. Then suddenly an idea comes into his eyes.
The music is like his brain He jumps off the bed.
There follows a version of the classic tooling up for action sequence.
But the 'tools' here are distinctly bizarre. BEAN picks up his
suitcase, and in quick cuts, rushes through the house and collects....
DAVID'S PLASTIC KEY CARD
A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS
A TORCH.
SOME OF KEVIN'S CHEWING GUM. 6 EGGS
A COOKING BASIN
A CUP
A LARGE PAINT BRUSH
A BOTTLE OF CLEAR NAIL VARNISH DAVID'S LARGE TIN OF LAXATIVE. A HAIR
DRIER
AN ACTION MAN DOLL
A POSTER OF THE GIRL AND HER BOTTOM WITH THE TENNIS BALL.
TWO OVEN GLOVES
A SKATEBOARD
AND 4 VOLUMES OF THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA.
Fully tooled, he snaps the suitcase shut.
CUT TO:
72
EXT. GALLERY. NIGHT.
The building is floodlit by ground spots.
BEAN arrives silently, with suitcase, on the skateboard. Soon his
full plan will be revealed. The Gallery is empty, apart from the one
Security Guard, BUCK, visible through the glass front of the building,
drinking coffee, watching his 12 security monitors. BEAN swallows at
the sight of BUCK - he is a massive gorilla of a man.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION - NIGHT.
BUCK is casually watching his screens, when suddenly, horror of horror,
the huge silhouette of a person hanging .themselves from a tree
outside appears, the shadow of the limp body thrown across the
floodlit gallery wall. BUCK frantically rushes out. And BEAN subtly
slips in.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT.
BUCK is looking for the body amongst the trees. He finds nothing.
Because he fails to notice the tiny ACTION MAN swinging gently in
front of one of the ground-level floodlights.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT'.
Inside, BEAN is casually pouring the entire contents of DAVID's large
laxative tin into BUCK's coffee. He also swaps two keys on the board
of keys by the desk. He then takes the opportunity to put the oven
gloves on his feet, one shaped like a pig, one like a crocodile, so he
can move silently.
BUCK returns. He sits down, and takes a long gulp of coffee. Pause.
BEAN watches. BUCK feels something uncomfortable in his stomach. He
takes a key from his rack of keys, and sets off and rounds a corner-
On a monitor screen, BEAN watches him break into a canter - as he
passes through another monitor BUCK is at full sprint. BEAN giggles.
BEAN is satisfied he'll be uninterrupted for a while. He goes to the
key-rack, borrows two keys, and sets off on his mission. The next 3
minutes of film are a sequence of cuts between three scenarios:
73
FIRST: BUCK - his next 10 minutes are not happy ones. When he reaches
the toilet, the key he chose does not unlock it. He has to sprint
back, grab all the keys, and charge back again to the door. Then he
has to try out every single key. We never see him find the right one.
SECOND scenario - all the activities of the night shown on the
security monitors. BUCK sprinting desperately through shot - BEAN
casually going about his business and, on one occasion, BUCK running
right past BEAN, but not seeing him - he has other things on his mind.
THIRD scenario - we actually see BEAN's Big Plan.
He unlocks the merchandise shop. So he can see properly and have his
hands free, he puts the y-fronts on his head, and wedges the torch
into them, like a head-lamp. He then takes a poster of Whistler's
Mother and replaces it with the rolled-up Tennis Ball Girl. He
unrolls the Whistler and places the 4 encyclopaedias on its corners to
hold it down.
He separates the yokes from the eggs, mixes the whites with clear nail
varnish and varnishes the-poster with it. Dries it off with the hair
drier.
,With the now stiff poster, he heads up elevators and escalators to
get to the Whistler Room itself, all the time chewing gum frantically.
Once there, he unlocks the final cupboard with David's plastic key,
takes the Whistler down and removes the destroyed Mother from its
gilded frame, and its wooden support frame. He uses the chewed gum to
stick the new one down to the old frame.
He then puts the very convincing forgery back into the security
cupboard and relocks it with DAVID's key card.
The job is done. He scrunches up the old, torn picture, pops it in a
dustbin, and heads off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. NIGHT-
BEAN zipping along on the skate board with his suitcase.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. UTILITY ROOM - NIGHT.
BUCK, trouserless, is sitting, reading a newspaper next to a noisy
washing machine.
CUT TO:
74
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. BEAN'S ROOM. NIGHT. KITCHEN - DAY
BEAN lies back in bed with quiet satisfaction.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID'S ROOM. MORNING.
DAVID wakes with a violent start.
DAVID
0 my God. Tell it vas a dream.
The door swings open. It is Bean with a tray of coffee and toast.
BEAN
Morning.
DAVID
It wasn't a dream, was it. I have to go in to work and
tell them Whistler's Mother now looks like Danny De Vito.
BEAN
Well, Ahm....
He laughs cheerily.
DAVID
What?
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID'S CAR.
Bean is still chuckling.
CUT TO:
INT. GALLERY. CORRIDOR.
Still highly amused, BEAN guides DAVID in the direction of Whistler's
Room. David takes out his key to open the room - but the door swings
open. DAVID is shocked. There stands GRIERSON, looking straight at
Whistler's Mum. In all its untorn, unsmudged, undestroyed glory.
75
GRIERSON
I think you're wrong, David. She looks as fine as she's
ever looked. Worth every cent of the 10 million dollar-s.
DAVID
Ahm....
GRIERSON
Bravo. Let's put on a good show tomorrow, shall we?
Don't want anything to go wrong.
DAVID
Quite right, sir.
Grierson leaves. David gets close to the painting and peers ....
DAVID
Wait a minute.
BEAN just puts his finger to his mouth...
BEAN
Ssshhhh.
He lets out a hug smile - he can solve the problems of the world, as
well as create them.
INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALL- SATURDAY
JENNIFER skips down t-he stairs, carrying a trendy duffel bag, just as
DAVID enters from the kitchen.
JENNIFER
Bye, Dad.
DAVID
Ah ... Jennifer, I need you to watch Kevin. Jen?
But JENNIFER has already reached the front door ....
JENNIFER
Be serious, Dad. It's Saturday.
She exits.
CUT TO:
76
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY
JENNIFER is heading down the path. DAVID runs out of the house and
catches up with her.
DAVID
Jen, you have to help me here! I've got to go in to work,
and with your mom away ... I really need you.
A powerful motorbike turns into the drive at speed and skids round to
face the opposite direction. JENNIFER runs over to it. The bike's
rider turns off his engine and removes his helmet. It is STINGO, the
white Rasta from the airport, with the hair extensions and the sixty
rings in his nose.
STINGO
(to DAVID)
You.
He hands JENNIFER a helmet.
JENNIFER
Don't worry, Dad. I'll be home. Monday, after school.
BEAN and KEVIN arrive at DAVID's side to spectre.
KEVIN
Hey, En, nice bike'- but remember: any kids you have are
gonna look just like its handsome driver.
DAVID
(angry now)
Jennifer! This is not - repeat, not! how we do things in
this family. I've told you never to get on one of those
death traps! Please - talk to me. I promise to be
reasonable.
JENNIFER has put on the helmet and is climbing onto the back of the
bike.
JENNIFER
Great, Dad. You promised you'd get rid of him! (points at
Bean) And as for: "how we do things in this family. We
don't have a family till you get Mom back.
77
She slaps STINGO on the shoulder. STINGO kicks the starter lever.
Nothing. Again. Nothing ...
JENNIFER
Come on Sting!
KEVIN
Sting?! Sounds like something you put on a rash.
STINGO is still kicking the starter. DAVID is desperate.
DAVID
Don't just stand there, Bean ? do something.
BEAN instantly takes on the hero's mantle and runs to the bike. DAVID
is not far behind him. STINGO is still trying to kick start it. BEAN
takes out a small screwdriver and twiddles with something on the
engine.
The bike sparks into life and does a wheelie before speeding out of
the drive and down the road. BEAN stands, hands on hips, looking
very-pleased with himself indeed.
DAVID
To BEAN ) Right! Right! You get inside and look after
Kevin! (not such a good idea) Uh --- Right! Kevin. You
get inside and look after ... uh... (that would be a
worse idea) Right! Get in the car! Both of you. Jesus!
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA ? DAY
DAVID, BEAN and KEVIN at the reception desk.
ANNIE
So, Kevin. How's it going?
KEVIN
Badly. You wanna adopt me?
ANNIE smiles cutely at BEAN. DAVID is still rattled.
ANNIE
Big day today, huh?
78
DAVID
Uh ... yes ...
DAVID looks askance at BEAN. BERNIE hurries up and takes DAVID to one
side.
BERNIE
Great day. At last we can start getting out of debt and
concentrating on the future.
DAVID
Yes, look, I wanted to talk to you about this. I'm sure
we haven't been doing as badly as all that.
BERNIE
You're an innocent and an optimist David - that's why I
love you. (he hugs him and laughs). Jesus - what a
terrible tie- Come on, the Governor's coming at 3. And
before then I have a little surprise for you and the Boss.
DAVID calls to ANNIE.
DAVID
Annie ... would you look after Kevin? And Kevin - you
look after Bean.
He heads off with BERNIE. Back at the counter. BEAN, KEVIN & ANNIE.
KEVIN
My Dad told me all about you.
ANNIE
Did he now?
KEVIN
He says you've got a babe count of ten out of ten, and a
brain cell count of about two and a half.
ANNIE
Yeah, I'll go with that. I'm kinda, like, dumb,
intellectually. (to Bean) But I'm great in bed.
BEAN is unsettled by this. He gives a shudder and heads for the
gallery.
79
KEVIN
Catch you later, babe.(goes after Bean) Come on, Beanie -
there must be a computer here somewhere. I hate paintings.
They don't do anything.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE. DAY.
BERNIE, DAVID and GRIERSON. BERNIE looks very confident at a computer
monitor. A painting is in fact 'doing' something, on the computer
screen, as the girls in a Toulouse-Lautrec painting actually dance the
can-can.
GRIERSON
Well, congratulations. Isn't that great, David?
DAVID
Certainly is.
BERNIE
We'll be able to start this afternoon. I'11 pipe the
guide to every video screen in the gallery. Now, that'll
impress the Governor.
GRIERSON
Well, bravo! What with you and Whistler's Ma - I think
I've got a winning team.
DAVID slightly embarrassed not to be included in the winning team. He
looks to the poster of Whistler's Mother behind GRIERSON's desk.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BERNIE'S ROOM - DAY
KEVIN and BEAN have found a computer, also showing BERNIE's Gallery
programme. The monitor shows the interior of the ground floor of the
gallery. KEVIN clicks, and up comes the same Toulouse Lautrec picture.
As KEVIN works the mouse, BEAN hums the catchy tune from 'GOBLINS 21.
It's play time again.
KEVIN
This is way cool, Beanie.
He clicks again, and a tiny talking Toulouse Lautrec starts to explain
the provenance of the painting.
80
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WHISTLER ROOM. DAY
DAVID is overseeing things. There's a burgundy rope, keeping people a
bit away from the case in which Whistler's Mother is contained. ELMER
brings in two large flower displays. BERNIE enters.
BERNIE
Jesus! Hurry up you guys. Am I the only person round
here who actually gets things done.
He exits. BERNIE is growing in confidence - and getting nastier by
the minute. DAVID pulls a face at ELMER.
DAVID
You arrange those flowers yourself?
ELMER
Sure did.
DAVID
They're pretty. Learn it in the army?
ELMER
No - but when you've torn out a man's throat with your
bare hands, you learn to appreciate the beautiful things
in life.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY
The final touches in the preparation for the big visit to up-tempo,
"we're getting ready" music.
1. Gardeners gardening, window cleaners cleaning, polishers
polishing etc. And someone empties a dustbin, in the midst of which
we glimpse something which might be a scrunched up old Whistler
painting.
2. BERNIE watches as someone plugs in a plug - and a huge video
screen in the gallery flickers and starts up.
3. ANNIE at her counter, reading a book called 'The Art of
Conversational. She shakes an imaginary hand and rehearses a keen
conversation with an imaginary V.I.P.
81
4. ELMER, in the men's room mirror, trims his hair around his
peaked hat with scissors. He has a row of war medals on his chest.
He polishes them proudly with his sleeve.
5. GRIERSON watches through the front glass - a red carpet rolls
itself out from the gallery's main entrance to stop by the rear door
of a black car.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY
Close on the bottom of the black cars rear door. It opens and a pair
of legs, wearing black shoes and charcoal trousers, step out onto the
red carpet. As they walk purposely up the carpet, the camera pans up
their owner's body, to reveal that this is BERNIE. It's a rehearsal.
He is met with a hand shake by GRIERSON at the main entrance.
GRIERSON
What a pleasure, Governor Reynolds. I'd like you to meet
some of our staff here. (checks a prompt card).
BERNIE
And that's where you introduce me to the Governor.
GRIERSON
Right. Got it.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Gallery staff wait, all wearing name badges. GRIERSON leads BERNIE to
the reception counter. ANNIE steps out from behind it and shakes
BERNIE's hand.
ANNIE
Good day, Governor Reynolds. I'm Annie ...
BERNIE
Curtsy.
ANNIE
Curtsy? Are you kidding? This is 1990s America. Women
don't curtsy, they run the damn country!
82
GRIERSON
Alex, please!
ANNIE
That's Annie, sir.
GRIERSON takes BERNIE on to ELMER who is next in line.
GRIERSON
This is Elmer, our longest serving...
BERNIE
Hey. Let's junk the medals, Elmer. This is not a
Veterans' reunion. We wanna make the Governor feel at
home. Not remind him of piles of dead people wearing
uniforms.
ELMER puts on a defiant face. DAVID shakes his head disapprovingly.
GRIERSON moves BERNIE to meet DAVID. They
'Shake hands.
DAVID
David Leary. I'd like to echo my colleagues welcome to
you and thank you for your patronage ...
BERNIE rudely cuts him off.
BERNIE
Okay, that'll do. The Governor's here in half an hour.
We have to be totally ready then. No excuses. Period!
GRIERSON
Thank you Bernie. Well done. Now, If you'll excuse - I
have a little smartening up to do myself.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. BERNIE'S OFFICE - DAY
BEAN at the computer. He's actually quite enjoying himself now. In
fact, he's rather hogging the thing. This is, after all, an animated
catalogue - his area.
83
KEVIN
I'm just gonna go see if Annie needs me for anything.
Truth is, she smells kinda nice. okay? (grins).
BEAN smiles and gives KEVIN a thumbs-up. KEVIN returns the gesture
and exits..
Back to the computer, BEAN clicks on an icon which takes him to the
ground floor gallery. He clicks through various paintings and stops
at the painting of the woman, in the castle, wearing the chastity belt.
BEAN clicks and enlarges the painting to fill the screen.
He happily hums the catchy tune from 'GOBLINS 2' and homes in on the
tiny padlock on the chastity belt. Padlocks interest him. He clicks
on the keyhole rapidly (as we have seen him do with the frog in
GOBLINS 2).
MR. BEAN
Click! click! click! click! click!
.Suddenly, to BEAN's surprise, the padlock starts to flash red...then
the whole screen starts to flash ... before going dramatically back to
black ... Now flashing in the .centre of the monitor is an icon of a
tiny key. Beneath it, a row of six dashes appears (e.g - - - - - -
- ). A cursor is flashing over the first dash.
BEAN is totally absorbed. He loves these kinds of puzzles. With one
finger, he slowly types out letters on the keyboard (he has to search
for some of them). As he does so, they appear over each dash in turn:
G-O-B-L-I-N
A message pops up: "ACCESS DENIED" BEAN tries something 0 else.
G-N-O-M-E-S
The message again: 'ACCESS DENIED'. The room door suddenly opens!
Making BEAN jump! It's BERNIE. He cannot see the computer screen
from the doorway.
BERNIE
How goes it, Bean? Ready for the Governor?
BEAN smiles and nods nervously. He knows he's probably up to
something he shouldn't be.
84
BERNIE
We need you downstairs in ten minutes and not a second more.
Period. Oh, And put this on.
BERNIE throws BEAN a name badge with 'Dr. Bean' on it. BEAN nods.
BERNIE exits. BEAN goes back to the code. He types in the first
thing that comes into his head:
B-E-R-N-I-E
That damned message again: 'ACCESS DENIED'. Then, as though something
is dawning on him, he punches in:
P-E-R-I-0-D
Up comes a message: "CODE ACCEPTED". Close on BEAN's face as light
from the computer plays on it- He reads it carefully and with interest.
We cant quite read his expression - but what he sees is a surprise and
a puzzle. Long meaningful pause as his eyes scan the screen.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY
BERNIE enters - DAVID is looking at Whistler's Mother, still puzzled.
BERNIE
David? Lift off!
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
The staff and various dignitaries are lined, looking out through the
glass in anticipation. Through the glass we see a couple of Police
Motorcycle Escorts pull up outside followed by a beautiful, old,
classic Rolls Royce.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY
The red carpet unrolls all the way to the Rolls, rear door. Close on
the bottom of the driver's door. It opens and out step a pair of legs,
wearing army boots and khaki trousers.
85
The legs step sideways onto the carpet and approach us. Camera pans
up to show us that GOVERNOR REYNOLDS is dressed in his Veteran's
uniform - chest of medals and forage cap. He is a grand figure. In
fact - he's exactly the same grand figure Mr BEAN caused epic problems
To on the plane over. He gives his prized possession, the car, a
little token polish with his sleeve before heading on.
BRUTUS and his SIDE-KICK COP fall into step behind him. They are the
Police presence today.
GRIERSON and BERNIE greet REYNOLDS at the entrance.
GRIERSON is wearing a striking brand new light blue silk suit. BERNIE
is frowning - not happy about that uniform.
GRIERSON
what a pleasure, Governor. Welcome.
REYNOLDS
Hi, Grierson, forgive the war paint. Going on To my
regiment/s reunion after.
GRIERSON
Not at all, Governor. Very striking.
REYNOLDS takes in GRIERSON's suit.
REYNOLDS
Interesting suit.
GRIERSON
(Beaming)
Why thank you sir.
REYNOLDS
off the peg?
GRIERSON
(crestfallen )
Yes it is ... may I introduce you To Bern ...
He gestures to BERNIE but REYNOLDS cuts in and hands BERNIE a set of
car keys.
REYNOLDS
(To Bernie)
Go park the old jalopy, will ya, son.
BERNIE's smile melts away. As they enter the gallery, BERNIE
hopefully offers the car keys to BRUTUS - who rewards him with a
"don't be stupid" smile and follows the Governor.
86
BEAN (wearing "Dr Bean" name badge) comes into the corridor by the
front door, thus just missing REYNOLDS. BERNIE sees him and jumps on
the chance to delegate.
BERNIE
Bean - go park the Governor's car, will you.
BEAN assents happily. BRUTUS spies BEAN over his shoulder and frowns
- its that mad English guy again. BEAN gets to the door and sees the
Governor's car. Yummy!
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. RECEPTION AREA ? DAY
GRIERSON leads REYNOLDS to the reception counter, as BERNIE sneaks up
to take his position again. ELMER is in the background trying to look
professional, deferring to BRUTUS.
ANNIE steps out from behind the counter, curtsies and ,shakes
REYNOLDS' hand.
ANNIE
Good day, Governor. I'm Annie. You know, you're a lot
taller than you were half an hour ago.
REYNOLDS
Well, that's great to hear at my age, Annie. Thank you
very much.
ANNIE
Governor Reynolds, does your wife, like, have to curtsy?
Or does she 0 have a decent job?
REYNOLDS
Er ... Mrs. Reynolds is doing just fine. Just fine.
He spots KEVIN and winks at him. KEVIN smiles back.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. DAY.
BEAN has let himself into the car. It's one of the happiest moments
of his life, as he inspects the gleaming panel and sits back in the
gorgeous leather seat.
87
He starts the car up - and heads up into the circular car park. He
sweeps dangerously round a few turns - but just manages to keep the
car in tact. Finally he reaches the top floor where there is one
quite small space left. BEAN is a good driver in a car that is,
unfortunately, one foot wider than the one he's used to.
He takes out the comb he always used to measure space with his Mini,
and measures the space. Yes. Seems large enough. He moves the car
in. It isn't large enough.
With a hideous scraping of metal against metal, the Rolls Royce
squeezes in between the two cars, losing its wing mirror and door
handle in the process. BEAN looks a tadge concerned.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY.
REYNOLDS has moved on to ELMER who salutes crisply. REYNOLDS returns
the salute with pride.
REYNOLDS
Nice set of medals there Elmer. Which beach they drop you
on? Utah? Omaha?
ELMER
Couldn't tell you sir. I was so drugged up with the
killing I didn't know where I was.
REYNOLDS
Well, congratulations soldier.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY.
BEAN sitting in the wedged car. He tries the door - but it won't open
a centimetre. He's totally stuck. He looks up at a small window in
the roof. If only he could get that open. He pushes various buttons,
which set of windscreen wipers, squirters, radios. He pushes the
cigarette lighter. Finally, he pulls a lever - and the bonnet pops up
an inch.
At which moment we see the lighter shoot out, and on to the seat.
BEAN is still looking round below the dashboard, when he notices a
little fire in the seat beside him. Not good news.
88
BEAN panics a bit, turns and half climbs over into the back seat,
when he spies a drinks cabinet. He has a very good idea - he finds a
cut crystal decanter of brown liquid, opens it and uses it to douse
the fire. Not a wise move with brandy. Before the cut, we see the
WHOOOSH! of a major fire in the front seat of the car.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. DAY.
GRIERSON leads REYNOLDS towards the main gallery. He points up to the
video screen they are passing, which shows the two of them walking
along - as does every screen in the gallery. REYNOLDS is impressed.
He glances at DAVID in passing.
REYNOLDS
Nice tie, fella.
DAVID grins to himself.
CUT TO:
INT. PARKING LOT - DAY.
The front of the car isn't what it was. There has been a big fire.
It's out now - three decanters lie empty. BEAN is not happy. Finally,
he decides to go for brute strength. He turns the car on again, puts
it into reverse, and puts his foot down on the accelerator.
We see the car from above. Full throttle. Totally still. Totally
still. And then WHOOOOSH WHAM!!! It reverses at 100 mph straight
backwards, smashing violently into and destroying the back of the car
behind _ as it happens, Bernie's car.
CUT TO
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR - DAY
REYNOLDS stops to admire a small painting - a twelfth century
'Crucifixion of Christ'.
GRIERSON
Ah, one of my favourites. It expresses a universal agony
that the established Church so rarely acknowledges, don't
you think?
89
REYNOLDS
Jesus ... no one's got feet like for crying out loud.
Have you got feet like that? Dammed if I have. Let's
move it, shall we?
BERNIE spots a slightly concerned DAVID.
BERNIE
Everything okay, David?
DAVID
Yes. Ahm. I was just wondering where my English house
guest had got to.
BERNIE
He's just parking the Governor's car.
DAVID
Great - keep him out of trouble.
CUT TO:
INT. PARKING LOT - DAY.
BEAN is inspecting the car. He's not too happy with it. '.He tries
to get the bonnet down, but it insists on staying up. He shrugs his
shoulders and gets in to drive off again, having to wind down the
window and drive by leaning his head out. This means that as he heads
for the exit, he fails to see the system to stop people leaving
without paying, a foot high barrier that appears out of the ground.
When he hits it, the car stops dead.
BEAN gets out, leaving the car idling and goes to the booth where
normally the attendant would be - but everyone is in the gallery at
the moment. Inside he pushes a couple of buttons, and, hurrah, gets
the one that drops the barrier. Less hurrah, he has forgotten to put
on the hand brake.
As he moves back towards the car, it glides slowly down the ramp on
the outside of the building, then accelerates, and finally, on a
particularly sharp turn, smashes through the wall, and flies off the
building. We hear a crash - but do not see where it lands.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR - DAY
GOVERNOR REYNOLDS turns away from another picture.
90
REYNOLDS
Can we go and see Mrs. Whistler now? My eyes are making
my feet sore, as my wife would say.
DAVID
Sure, Governor. Please. This way.
The party follows DAVID as he walks through the gallery, towards the
double doors, to take the lift to the Whistler Room. An excited
atmosphere.
CUT TO:
INT. WHISTLER ROOM. DAY.
Everyone enters.
DAVID
Ladies and gentlemen - most of you have seen Whistler's
Mother before, can I ask you just to step back. Thank you.
It's part of his plan of caution - he knows there's something wrong -
and wants as few people as possible to .see the painting close up.
The crowd moves back.
DAVID
I'd like the Governor to have, as it were, a private
audience with his new friend.
REYNOLDS is flattered. Silence. DAVID inserts the plastic card key -
opens the doors - and sure enough there in all its glory is Whistler's
Mother'. Respectful silence.
REYNOLDS is delighted. He stands back to inspect her.
REYNOLDS
Well, hello Ma'am! Yes - she certainly looks a million
dollars to me - or should I say ten million dollars!
Everyone applauds.
GRIERSON
Bravo - what do you say to a final glass of, though I say
it myself, rather 'expensive' champagne. (grins smugly)
91
People start to file out. REYNOLDS, GRIERSON, BERNIE and DAVID stay
behind. DAVID spots BEAN arriving. He hands the car keys back to
BERNIE with a slightly dazed smile. DAVID eagerly takes his arm and
brings him over.
DAVID
Governor, I don't believe you've met Dr Bean, our expert
from England.
They turn to each other - recognition from BEAN "it's the man from the
plane". He does a very quick hand-shake and tries to make a getaway
before REYNOLDS recognises him...
BEAN
Ah, hello, sorry, I ... Ahm... sorry ...
BEAN turns. In fatal slow motion he trips over the cord that stops
anyone getting too close to the great painting. He spins and falls in
the direction of the painting.
CUT TO: the looks of horror on all the faces.
CUT TO: BEAN, reaching out to keep himself standing. We think he's
going to tear the painting. He doesn't. He simply catches hold of
the bottom of the ornate frame. It ,,snaps off.
CUT TO: a look of relief for an instant on all faces.
CUT TO: the truth - as the frame breaks off, there is the little white
strip, saying, THE GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER"-
CUT TO: a look of horror on all faces.
CUT TO: ELMER looking like someone has just murdered his own mother.
CUT TO: BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK glowering at BEAN.
CUT TO:
INT. GALLERY CORRIDOR. DAY.
Governor REYNOLDS storming through the Gallery, with -BERNIE and
GRIERSON scampering after him.
REYNOLDS
You were going to sell the State of California a poster -
for ten million dollars! Who the hell do you think you
are, Shorty!?
92
GRIERSON
Look, Governor - just wait - it's may not be as bad as it
looks ....
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.
DAVID and BEAN stand alone in silence, in front of the debris. BEAN
is absolutely destitute. DAVID stares at him. BEAN just lifts his
hands. Totally sad. What will, what can DAVID say to him? Finally,
DAVID just puts his hands on his shoulder.
DAVID
Nice try, kiddo.
BEAN cant quite believe he's forgiven. At which moment, there is a
knock on the door. ANNIE enters, holding KEVIN's hand.
ANNIE
David. There's a call for you. It's your wife.
DAVID
Great. Classic timing. Why don't you ask her just to
leave a date for the divorce? I'll check my diary later.
Then he notices the worried expressions on ANNIE and KEVIN's faces.
ANNIE
She's calling from the hospital ...
BEAN and DAVID both take this in. DAVID turns and runs towards the
reception area. ANNIE calls after him.
ANNIE
She's on line three!
KEVIN grabs BEAN's hand and they both run after DAVID. ANNIE watches
BEAN go and sighs.
ANNIE
Such... great buns.
CUT TO:
93
INT. GALLERY ENTRANCE HALL. DAY.
The party is in disarray. In the background, DAVID is on the phone at
the reception counter with KEVIN and BEAN. BRUTUS hovers, he suspects
BEAN - wants to question him.
REYNOLDS
I've known soldiers who've had their heads blown off who
were more intelligent than you two. Not only have you
failed to protect your most valuable possession from theft
- but you didn't even know it'd been stolen! I'd sooner
buy heroin from the guy who sells drugs outside my
grandson's school than anything from you guys.
GRIERSON
I am sorry you feel that way.
REYNOLDS
And I'm sorry you look that way, short-ass. That suit
stinks and you obviously dye your hair.
GRIERSON is seriously shocked and offended.
Now, bring my car round the front please - I've had enough
of this crap!.
BERNIE
Certainly, sir.
He rushes off. Meanwhile, DAVID slams down the phone and he, BEAN and
KEVIN rush out of the building. ELMER, BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK give
chase.
CUT TO:
EXT. GALLERY PARKING LOT. DAY.
DAVID's car screeches out onto the street and tears away.
BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK arrive, flustered, at their car. SIDE-KICK is
frantically searching for its keys.
BRUTUS
Come on man! Move it!
A car passes by them slowly. ELMER is driving. He shouts from his
window.
94
ELMER
Hey, Cop, wanna ride? Jeese, where do they get you guys?
The cops jump in his car while it is still moving.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY
REYNOLDS at the entrance. BERNIE walks up sheepishly, holding up car
keys.
BERNIE
There is one other tiny problem, sir.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET. DAY.
DAVID's car speeds by. ELMER's car is not far behind it.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID'S CAR - DAY
DAVID is driving fast.
KEVIN
Is Jenny gonna be okay?
DAVID
She was wearing a helmet. It could have been worse.
KEVIN
But is she gonna be okay?
DAVID
(snapping)
How the hell should I know?
KEVIN is hurt.
I'm sorry. What can I say - she's unconscious. And I
mean - every night when we sleep, we're all unconscious,
aren't we? She'll pull out of it. God though - why the
hell do kids have to ride bikes?
DAVID slams on the brakes. He nearly went through a red light.
95
DAVID
Damn! She's a good kid. Sometimes good people get a
break once in a while. (manages a smile)
A chauffeur driven, open top limo, pulls up next to DAVID's car. BEAN
looks out of his window to see the BAG LADY, from the mall robbery,
sitting in the back. She is still wearing her filthy clothes. She
raises a glass of champagne to BEAN and smiles.
BEAN waves back uncertainly. He's sure he's seen her before - a vague
memory.
CUT TO: ELMER's CAR is in the traffic queue about ten cars back.
BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK get out and start running down the line towards
DAVID's car.
The lights are green. DAVID puts his foot down and the car screeches
away just as BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK are within inches it.
CUT TO: BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK turn on their heels and head back to
ELMER's car. They are very unfit.
They are just about to jump in the car when gun shots are heard from a
near-by gas station- BRUTUS turns and sees a .robbery in progress. A
man with a gun is about to run away. BRUTUS is torn, not knowing
which quarry to pursue.
BRUTUS
Shiiiit!
ELMER
It's okay! I'll tail 'em!
BRUTUS
You got it.
BRUTUS and SIDE-KICK draw their guns and run towards the gas station.
In a moment of confusion - a shot rings out. We think in the corner
of our eye that we see BRUTUS fall to the ground, as ELMER screeches
away after DAVID's car.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. RECEPTION - DAY
Much hustle and bustle. DAVID is getting directions from a nurse at
the desk. He beckons to KEVIN and BEAN and strides, purposely towards
a corridor. They hurry to catch him up, and Bean treat on the back of
his shoe. DAVID turns and shouts at him.
96
DAVID
Just stay away from me! D'you hear?
He takes KEVIN's hand and storms away round a corner. BEAN is taken
aback not knowing what to do or where to go. He is really feeling
sorrow now. He's shaken. All part of his slow coming to feel things
properly.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - DAY
DAVID and KEVIN turns a corner - and stop, frozen. There, sitting
alone, on a bench, outside JENNIFER's room, is ALISON. She gets to
her feet. Their eyes meet.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY -DAY
A crowd outside the gallery, look off camera. The camera follows
BERNIE's gaze and takes in the modern car sculpture. Where there were
two cars face down in the earth, there are now three, the new addition
being Governor's pride and Joy. The three cars form a tall pyramid.
Close on REYNOLDS' face. GRIERSON approaches.
REYNOLDS
Don't even think of saying one word to me, or I'11 find
a way of fitting all three of those cars right up your
ass.
GRIERSON nods - he's got the message.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR. DAY
ALISON and DAVID are standing where they were before, three paces
apart. ALISON is upset, tired and drawn.
ALISON
They're not calling it a coma. The doctor says she's ...
just kind of taking time out. (to Kevin) Hi, tough guy.
(to David) It's a busy night. The doctor will be back in
a while.
A doctor passes
97
DAVID
Excuse me.
DOCTOR 1
I'll be back in a minute.
DAVID
Okay, great.
ALISON looks at him. We don't quite read the expression but
somewhere under there we know she's thinking "yup, he's still
ineffective."
ALISON
At least you didn't bring Mr Bean with you.
DAVID
Ah, well ....
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - DAY
BEAN is looking for his friends. A doctor sweeps by him. A nurse
behind.
NURSE
Doctor Jacobson?
DOCTOR JACOBSON
Yes?
NURSE
We need you urgently in C Theatre.
DOCTOR JACOBSON
Damn. I was just going to Number 4 ....
NURSE
It is urgent, sir.
DOCTOR JACOBSON
Okay.....
The doctor rushes away and drops his stethoscope as he .goes. BEAN
sees it, picks it up and follows him he's trying to be useful.
CUT TO:
98
INT. HOSPITAL. RECEPTION ? DAY
ELMER is at the busy reception desk and has been talking with a nurse.
ELMER
No, no, I didn't realise the situation. I won't disturb
them now.
ELMER is obviously moved to find out about JENNIFER. He moves towards
the exit ... He is surprised to see BUCK, the night-shift guard,
dressed in civvies, sitting with outpatients.
ELMER
Buck?
BUCK looks up, painfully, goes to say something, then dashes into a
men's room close-by. ELMER shakes his head and leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - DAY.
BEAN still following DR JACOBSON, who goes through more swing doors
and then suddenly disappears. BEAN sees a big "4" above a door and
goes in, holding the Stethoscope. A nurse accosts him instantly. She
reads his name badge.
NURSE 2
Doctor ... Bean?
BEAN is fed up trying to correct people with this misconception.
BEAN
Actually ... (huge sigh) ... Yes, yes, yes...
NURSE 2
Just in time, sir. Allow me.
She immediately slips the white coat onto BEAN, and the gloves, and
the mask.
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - DAY
ALISON, DAVID and KEVIN are sitting on the bench opposite JENNIFER's
room. KEVIN picks up JENNIFER's SUPER NINTENDO console from the bench.
DAVID notices this. ALISON answers his look.
99
ALISON
When the Police told me what had happened I ... it's stupid
I know ... but I remembered all that stuff people do to get
through to coma victims ...
KEVIN
Like playing them recordings of their dish washers and
coffee grinders?
ALISON
That right. So I went home and picked it up.
DAVID
Good thinking. (pause) You still call it 'home'.
ALISON looks at him seriously.
INT. OPERATING THEATRE. NIGHT.
Inside the operating theatre, a body is waiting in position. There
are 3 attending nurses and an assistant doctor. They all look up to
BEAN as he enters, fully kitted up.
ASSISTANT
Good evening Doctor.. What we have here is a bullet wound
in the lower thorax it seems to have ruptured the lung,
and there's severe inner bleeding along the abdomen.
NURSE 2
He's coming round.
ASSISTANT
Give him a T 70, straight away.
The victim starts to move - he looks up - we see his face for the
first time. It is the police officer, BRUTUS. He is in great pain.
As the sedative shot goes in, BEAN takes off his mask, and smiles,
with a little wave. A look of total panic goes over BRUTU'S eyes, as
he loses consciousness.
ASSISTANT
Shall I do the cut, sir?
BEAN nods - he's not going to argue with anyone. The assistant cuts.
BEAN is horrified, almost faints, then snatches the knife. He can't
believe this maniac has just cut through another personas flesh.
100
ASSISTANT
I'm sorry. it's only MY first week.
BEAN hands the knife to the NURSE testily.
NURSE
I'm afraid we'll now have to wait for the X-rays, Doctor,
or we'll never find the bullet. Come on everyone sort out
the support systems.
EVERYONE turns to get on with their particular jobs. BEAN is left
with the body. A pause. He gets a little bored. Takes a sweet
packet out of his pocket. Only one sweet left. he takes it out
lovingly, and then does what he always does - throws it up into the
air, to catch it in his mouth.
Unfortunately, he forgets that he is wearing a mask. It hits the
middle of the mask and bounces into the cut in the body.
BEAN looks down annoyed. Checks round him - everyone's 'still busy.
So he puts his hand in the body, really rummages around, finds the
sweet, takes it out, and then realises he's in fact got the bullet
between his fingers. ..Guiltily, he slips it back into the body,
rummages a bit more, finds the sweet, wipes it, & pops it in his mouth.
At which second the X-ray arrives.
ASSISTANT
Here we go, doctor. ( STUDYING THE X-RAY ) the bullet is
here - so we'll probably have to extend the cut to here.
Think we all better be prepared for a long one here.
This is tricky.
BEAN tuts scornfully - 'you're wrong 1, reaches in again, feels around
for a second, and triumphantly produces the bullet between his fingers.
They all applaud.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - DAY.
BEAN exits from the theatre - still in gown and mask, followed by the
assistant. The police SIDE-KICK is waiting.
SIDE-KICK
Any news on the chief?.
101
ASSISTANT
There certainly is. Dr Bean here just saved his life.
SIDE-KICK's eyes water. He's choked. BEAN shakes his hand nervously,
and heads on fast before he's found out. He turns the corner and
suddenly sees DAVID and ALISON, still seated. ALISON sees him.
ALISON
0 my god.
DAVID
Sorry, honey - he just happened to tag along.
ALISON
Nothing ever really changes, does it, David?
She turns her head away: the bond of the moments before is gone. BEAN
looks very contrite. At that moment, another doctor walks by.
DAVID
Excuse me.
DOCTOR 2
Yes, your doctor will be with you in a minute. We have a
lot to deal with here, sir.
ALISON looks round, and shakes her head. BEAN kicks DAVID in the
shins. DAVID looks round, puzzled. There is a poster of the human
skeleton. BEAN points to the spine. DAVID looks but cannot fathom a
relevant meaning from it.
Another doctor comes along - the same one who they spoke to first.
He's young, confident slightly arrogant.
ALISON
Excuse me, doctor.
DOCTOR
Really Ma'am, we'll get to you in due course.
ALISON
Okay.
DAVID looks at the poster opposite again. Spine, ribcage, skull.
Looks back at Bean gesturing to it. This time the penny drops! Spine
spineless!
102
DAVID
Say that again, son.
DOCTOR
I beg your pardon?
DAVID
I said say that again, son - because the next time you do,
I'll make sure you're in there with my daughter, but in a
slightly less healthy state and she's in a coma with a
broken arm right now.
DOCTOR
I'm er ... sorry if you've been waiting a long time.
DAVID
We have. In fact, we've been sitting here since the start
of the Millennium and I'd really like some action from you
before the end of the world.
A hint of a smile arrives on ALISON's lips. She's heard that somewhere
before.
DAVID
So, why not haul your ... (checks) nice little ass into
this room and explain to me and my wife why our precious
daughter is going to be absolutely fine because of all the
fantastic intelligence and attention you are going to give
her case.
DOCTOR
Okay, sir. Certainly. Good.
DAVID turns to ALISON - she does a little tilt of her
Head 'WOW'. And he turns to BEAN, who points to
himself, and nods .... n Come on!
DAVID
Yes, and Bean, for God's sake, keep out of the goddamn way,
will you?
BEAN nods enthusiastically and backs off.
ALISON
Smiling Well, well.
CUT TO:
103
INT. HOSPITAL. JENNIFER'S ROOM ? NIGHT
Close on an E.C.G. monitor, green lines on black screen. DAVID and
ALISON sit by JENNIFER's bed. JENNIFER is unconscious. She has her
arm in a cast and a small Band-Aid on her head. otherwise she seems
undamaged.
KEVIN is sitting on the end of the bed playing the SUPER NINTENDO game
(the Gothic Vampire thing, with bats and he-men, we saw on JENNIFER'S
TV earlier). It is plugged into a T.V. which sits on a trolley. It's
quite a noisy game. KEVIN is immersed in it.
ALISON
Let's get a coffee.
DAVID
Yes. Great. Kevin, I'11 send Bean in to keep you company.
ALISON exits. David follows. BEAN enters. He sees JENNIFER for the
first time. Sympathy shows in his eyes.
KEVIN
Help me with this. It's a scientific experiment. We're
gonna wake up Sleeping Beauty here with the tortured
screams of Vampire bats.
BEAN is determined to help. He sits down with KEVIN. The game
continues. The he-man jumps up and down, lashing out at bats with his
sword. Lots of noise, but JENNIFER sleeps on.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
By a drinks machine. ALISON finishes drinking from a plastic cup.
ALISON
Disgusting.
She looks up at DAVID, who's looking at her. Slowly she gets close
and puts her arms around him. She's a bit tearful.
DAVID
Everything's gonna be fine.
ALISON
(pause)
About Charles...
104
DAVID
shhh...
ALISON
It was nothing. We're not ... He just makes me laugh.
When was the last time we laughed? Any of us?
DAVID
I know... I know. I've been an arsehole of spectacular
proportions. Olympic standard.
KEVIN
Dad...
They look down to see KEVIN has arrived.
KEVIN
These guys just hijacked the T.V. Me and Bean were trying
to ...
A hospital PORTER passes, pushing the T.V. on a trolley.
HOSPITAL PORTER
Sorry, folks. We're short on these and there's another
kid down the hall that could use ...
DAVID
Wait a minute .... (about to get tough again)
ALISON
Please. It's okay. Really. (to David) Wow - who put the
fire in you, my' man?
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. JENNIFER'S ROOM - NIGHT
JENNIFER is still asleep. BEAN is sitting on the end of her bed. He
looks at the SUPER NINTENDO console thinking, "How can I get this
working again? How can I help?" The only sound in the room is the
beeping from the E.C.G. machine, monitoring Jennifer's heart. BEAN
has an idea.
He yanks off the jack plug at the end of the Super Nintendo lead.
Producing his small screwdriver, he starts to unscrew the console
casing.
CUT TO:
105
INT. HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
DAVID, ALISON and KEVIN walk back towards the room.
ALISON
Maybe I ought to think about getting another job.
DAVID
Good idea - with a boss who's a really ugly son-of-a-bitch.
She and DAVID manage to share a smile. They're going to get through
this. Suddenly, we hear noise from the vampire game, coming from
JENNIFER's room. KEVIN registers this and is puzzled. Then ALISON
and DAVID notice it.
DAVID
I thought you said....
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL. JENNIFER'S ROOM - DAY
The LEARYS appear in the open doorway. Their expressions turn from
curiosity to horror.
BEAN has plugged the SUPER NINTENDO games system into the back of
JENNIFER's E.C.G. monitor. A couple of bats are flapping about the
screen but the most worrying thing here (shown in close-up) is the
sight of a he-man type, jumping up and down, lashing out, with his
sword, at the passing pulse light, showing Jennifer's faint vital
signs ...
ALISON gasps. DAVID slowly moves into the room.
DAVID
Now, Bean ... just put down that thing ... nice and
slow ... you hear me? Come on now...
But BEAN is determined to keep going - it's his way of reviving
Jennifer. DAVID approaches the opposite side of the bed and gets
ready to pounce ... CUT TO: a close-up of the monitor. The he-man
chases the pulse light ...
DAVID dives across the bed just as he man swipes the pulse light with
his sword. DAVID has landed on top of JENNIFER. The pulse light
explodes and the monitor screen whites-out. JENNIFER wakes up with a
start.
106
JENNIFER
Dad! Get off!? What's happening here?! Mom?
ALISON covers her mouth, tearful, but she can't hold it back. She
laughs. DAVID and KEVIN stare at JENNIFER. They can't help but join
in the laughter. JENNIFER has no idea what's going on. BEAN is happy
that everyone is happy.
KEVIN
I don't care what anyone says. Mr. Bean brought my sister
back from the dead. He did it under laboratory conditions.
My eyes do not lie!
ALISON grins at him. Then at BEAN.
MIX THROUGH TO:
INT. LEARY HOUSE. KITCHEN. NIGHT.
ALISON is fixing some coffee. DAVID enters.
DAVID
Here, let me do that.
ALISON
No, I'm fine.
He just stands there.
okay - you grind the beans, and
He moves towards her - his arms slip round her waist.
... put them in the .... ( but she can't concentrate I
don't believe this. I'm being seduced by my own husband.
Pause. They are just about to kiss when BEAN enters.
He's a bit impatient.
BEAN
Ahm - excuse me ... ( POINTING TO HIS WATCH ) You know..
They jump apart. The moment is gone.
ALISON
Oh yes. Sorry. Though I think these are ready.
107
ALISON takes out two single socks which have been neatly wrapped
around a couple of drinks mats and put in the toaster slots.
ALISON
There. Is that how you like them?
BEAN beams at her. He's impressed - and feels he's accepted. He
leaves.
ALISON
He's not too bad. I can live with him.
DAVID
I'm afraid you don't know the half of it. Sit down. I
have a tale to tell. And not a happy one.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE LEARY'S KITCHEN. NIGHT
Looking in front outside, we see Alison sit down. We see, ,but do not
hear David start to talk. Within seconds her hands go up to her face
in horror.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE. DAY.
With heavy hearts everyone is gathered to hear their fate. Pan across
the familiar faces. DAVID. BERNIE. ELMER. ANNIE. BEAN, looking
nervous and shifty. Dead silence as GRIERSON stands, very solemnly.
GRIERSON
Colleagues - what can I say? Incidents such as occurred
yesterday teach a man important lessons. On reflection, I
realise it would have been a sin to sell Whistler's Mother
to such an impertinent philistine as Governor Reynolds.
And therefore, I blame myself for having ever let things
get to such a pass that we felt we had realise our the
staff - twelve got today, I've Schimmel as to sell her. I
suddenly problem here hasn't been it's been the leadership
flabby, lazy- And so decided to appoint Bernie my new
Vice-President.
CUT TO BERNIE, looking smug next to DAVID, who is pretty shocked by
this.
108
GRIERSON
He's a man with a plan who will haul us into
profitability and the 21st century.
BERNIE
Thank you, sir. Although, I'm afraid I don't quite see
how we can ...
GRIERSON
Good point Bernie - precisely the kind of perceptive
interjection I'd expect from my new V.P. How can we, you
ask, survive without Whistler's Mother - our single
greatest asset? Well, the truth is - we can't. So what
am I saying? Will we find her again? Never - this
robber was clearly the work of a criminal of great
genius.
BEAN looks pleased - but then realises it's not a suitable emotion ~
so nods sagely.
Insurance? Not a chance. Those bastards never pay. So,
surely we're bankrupt? Surely your jobs are forfeit?
Surely you're back on the unemployment lines, scraping a
living as waiters and boys? Yes. Yes indeed. Except
for one little thing. one little thing done by one
little man. Dare I say, one helluva little man. Watch
this.
Everyone is totally at a loss. GRIERSON stands and moves to the
framed poster of Whistler's Mother on the wall. He then produces a
plastic key card and inserts it in a slot on the side of the frame. A
buzz and a click! An electric motor starts to whirrrr ...
The glass, along with the title strip at the bottom of the poster,
slides gently down inside the picture frame to reveal that the poster
is in fact the original oil of Whistler's Mother.
GRIERSON
Ladies and gentlemen. The REAL Whistler's Mother!
There are gasps from the room. BEAN is open mouthed.
GRIERSON beams as many applaud and BEAN now joins in hyperactively.
He's saved!
GRIERSON
The best security in the world is no match for a master
criminal. But no master criminal is a match for me.
Thank you all. Now if you would please return to your
posts, my new Vice President, Bernard Shimmel would
like you all to see the computer program we had
prepared for yesterday until we were so rudely
interrupted by events.
The room is emptying. DAVID and BEAN stand there, DAVID stunned.
GRIERSON heads over.
GRIERSON
David, David, David ...
DAVID
I'm fired? Because I let a... copy of a painting the get
stolen?
GRIERSON
Of course not. I'm sacking you for neglectful conduct,
relating to the heavy financial loss this gallery has
incurred, through your recent lack of professional
judgement. A loss I trust Bernie will be able to
reverse.
David
But ....
GRIERSON
I will of course invite you an excellent reference - or
Bernie will.
BERNIE looks across from the computer and smiles. BEAN has his eyes
on DAVID. He is mortified by what's
happening. GRIERSON notices but misinterprets his worried expression.
GRIERSON
Of course, Dr. Bean, we'll arrange alternative
accommodation for you. I believe Bernie has a spare
room with en suite bathroom.
DAVID glares at BERNIE. BEAN is thinking 'No! I don't want to stay
with horrible BERNIE.'
GRIERSON
How are you making out there?
110
BERNIE
All fixed up, sir. Stick around, Davey boy. This is
going to be quite a show.
He presses an intercom. He's enjoying himself.
Hi everyone - this is your new Vice President, Bernie
Shistler. Would you please watch your video screens.
You're in for a treat, guys.
CUT TO:
INT. VARIOUS ROOMS. DAY.
All the staff in all the rooms, gallery, canteen, corridors, look up
at various screens. Cut round rooms during this flashy demonstration.
BERNIE
(V/0)
Here you can see our new interactive gallery guide. Every
picture in the gallery will have its own story to tell.
A Van Gogh picture comes up on the giant video screens
....and then keeps changing, as BERNIE keeps talking.
Just click , and here is a portrait of the painter - then
his family then other paintings by him - then other
pictures relevant to him in the gallery
Everyone is delighted and impressed.
And the beauty is, any idiot can use it. Dr Bean - would
you like a try?
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE - DAY.
BEAN swiftly obliges and sits at the computer.
BERNIE
Perhaps you'd like to bring up Whistler's Mother.
But BEAN has another plan. He begins to click boxes.
CUT TO:
INT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY. MAIN GALLERY - DAY.
The Millais painting we have seen before, with the padlock, comes up
on the video screen.
BERNIE
(V/0)
Ah, Our visiting professor has chosen the splendid
Millais painting - "His Mistress"
CUT BACK:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE. DAY.
BEAN busy on the computer.
BERNIE
Just click on the corner.
BEAN again disobeys ... He clicks on the padlock repeatedly - humming
the familiar 'Goblins' tune. BERNIE is looking very tense.
BERNIE
Right let me take over now...
BEAN turns and snarls at him - almost a bark ...
CUT TO:
INT. THE MAIN GALLERY - DAY
Everyone is glued to the screens.
BERNIE
You've had long enough on it now. A joke's a joke.
That's it. Period!
On the computer screens, the screen has gone black, just as it did
when Bean was playing earlier, and the 6 dashes have appeared with the
flashing cursor over the first of them. All watch, intrigued by what
they see.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE DAY
The blood drains from BERNIE's face. Still humming happily, BEAN
slowly types in the letters:
P-E-R-I-0-D
BERNIE
You can stop right there, Mr! Those are confidential ...
112
Words and figures fill the screen. BEAN throws his hands up and sings
a verbal fanfare:
BEAN
Daaa! Daaa!
GRIERSON moves to DAVID's side and the two stare at the screen, the
meaning of its contents dawning on them. Close up of the screen as
their eyes find the words: 'NEW ARTIST EXHIBIT' in the middle of
columns of words, figures and dollar signs.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. ALL ROOMS.
The same figures are being flashed all over on the huge screens.
People watching and listening in awe. ANNIE and ELMER stare at it
angrily.
CUT TO:
INT. GRIERSON'S OFFICE ~ DAY
BERNIE
Excuse me, If I may just ...
GRIERSON
(calmly)
Shut up, Schimmel. Exactly how long have you been
siphoning gallery money into your own private accounts?
DAVID scrolls down the screen.
DAVID
Look at all this - publicity expenditure ... catering ...
all completely fictional ... back as far as June 93 ...
BERNIE
I don't think you really understand what you're looking
at ...
GRIERSON
Horse shit. You're dead, grease-ball. Period.
He pushes a button, that sends a picture of what's happening in his
office throughout the Gallery.
My friends, good news. Mr Schimmel is not only no longer
Vice- President. He actually no longer works here.
BERNIE
But wait a minute - you can't let some moron from England
turn you against me. I deny any knowledge of this. He
probably typed in all this stuff himself. Don't you find
it all a bit suspicious that it's here at his fingertips.
(pointing at Bean) There's your criminal, gentlemen.
There's the Limey that set me up!
Pause. All eyes turn to BEAN. CUT TO people watching the big screens
everywhere.
GRIERSON
Dr. Bean. Have you got anything to say to that?
BEAN looks long and hard at BERNIE.
BEAN
Yes- (PAUSE) It's exceedingly rude to point.
And punches BERNIE sharply in the nose. Everyone in the gallery
bursts into applause.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY.
Half an hour later. Police cars draw up. BERNIE is shoved in the
back seat of one. GRIERSON, BEAN & DAVID watch.
GRIERSON
(to uniformed cop)
I don't know what your methods are these days, Officer,
but I'd also ask him a few questions about the
destruction of the Whistler copy.
BEAN nods his head firmly. The car pulls away. Then breaks and
reverses. The SIDE-KICK gets out.
SIDE~KICK
Oh, yeah - I forgot.
SIDE-KICK opens the back of the car. He takes out a huge bunch of
flowers.
The chief said I was to give you these.
BEAN is delighted. Then sniffs the flowers. What a nasty stink. Not
his sort of thing at all.
114
SIDE-KICK drives AWAY. GRIERSON turns to DAVID.
GRIERSON
I owe you a very serious apology, young man. It wouldn't
surprise me if you wanted to leave us after this. I
sincerely hope that you do not.
DAVID
VERY ACCOMMODATING Well, no, sir, I'm sure ...
He looks sideways to Bean, who is frantically pointing to his spine.
DAVID gets the message, and changes his tune..
Let me think about that, Thomas. We'd have to talk quite
a salary hike.
GRIERSON
Of course.
DAVID
And a car.
GRIERSON
Mmmmm...
DAVID
Maybe two cars.
GRIERSON
A car sounds sensible.
DAVID
And I need Fridays off, to spend more time with my family.
Speaking of which - if you'll excuse me .... I've got a
lot of time to make up.
DAVID heads off. BEAN wants to follow, but needs to get rid of the
stinky flowers. He turns to ANNIE and gives them to her to be rid of
them. She beams with delight: after all, he DID love her.
BEAN heads off with DAVID to the parking lot. As they go, DAVID puts
an arm round BEAN.
Who shoos him away instantly. No sloppiness for him.
CUT TO:
115
EXT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALL - DAY.
The LEARY family in a group. JENNIFER's arm in a sling.
ALISON
well, it's been... unusual. But thank you.
She goes to kiss BEAN - but he just sticks out his hand, and shakes it
firmly. Then moves on to JENNIFER.
JENNIFER
Good-bye Mr Bean. Sorry I screamed that first time.
He shakes her broken arm firmly ... and she screams again.
DAVID
Come on hurry or we'll be late.
CUT TO:
EXT. LEARY HOUSE. DAY.
BEAN, KEVIN & DAVID get into the car. It pulls away, as they drive
off, BEAN sticks his hand of the window - and waves a last farewell to
ALISON and JENNIFER. At last a sentimental moment - romantic music
swelling - like Liza Minelli at the end of "Cabaret".
Until the waving hand viciously cracks against the wooden front gate
as the car squeezes past.
MIX THROUGH TO:
INT. AMERICAN AIRPORT. DEPARTURE AREA - DAY
The three 30 year old women, dressed in curly red wigs from the
musical, 'Annie', hug and kiss their little BALD MAN and send him off
through the gates. They shriek and wave him good-bye. DAVID, KEVIN
and BEAN are there.
DAVID
... Oh, and Grierson phoned Lord Walton at the National.
Said good things about you. So expect a great reception
back home, huh?
BEAN delighted. Promotion is in his sights. He studies his watch.
He's being polite but held really like to get going.
116
KEVIN
Good-bye Beanie. It's Bean .... surreal. And don't
forget you're welcome to come back anytime ...
DAVID delivers a sharp nudge to his ribs.
KEVIN
... in the distant future.
DAVID
Bye, Bean. Thanks for everything. And take care, huh? I
know it's insane, but I'm going to miss you.
BEAN nods abruptly, picks up his case, checks his watch and goes. He
doesn't look back. Kevin and David turn and walk away. DAVID does
stop to look back over his shoulder at BEAN, heading off in the
distance. But BEAN doesn't turn, so DAVID walks on.
Then there is suddenly a tap on his shoulder. It's BEAN, ,as though
he's magically jumped there. He gives DAVID a big bear hug, a big
grin, and then a little wave - and heads away. In the distance, he
treads on the back of ,some one's shoe.
MIX THROUGH TO:
EXT. THE NATIONAL GALLERY. LONDON - DAY
Shot from high up. BEAN's lime green mini approaches, coming around
Trafalgar Square, and drives up onto the pavement, in front of the
gallery. It stops and BEAN gets out. He looks up at the building,
pleased to be back.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY
BEAN pauses outside the revolving doors to clip his staff identity
badge onto his top pocket. He enters in high spirits.
CUT TO:
INT. THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY
BEAN enters the reception hall. It is totally deserted.
He frowns, and heads on, puzzled..
117
CUT TO:
INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. GALLERY 1 DAY
The place is totally empty except for a CLEANER sweeping up litter in
the middle of the room. There are faded rectangles on the walls where
all the paintings should be. Only one very solid looking statue
remains. BEAN is thoroughly perplexed
CLEANER
They've moved, guy.
BEAN is utterly perplexed. He looks round the corner into another
empty gallery, and shakes his head.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY
BEAN looks up at the building and gives a disgusted grunt ,before
getting into his car and drives off around Trafalgar Square. His brow
is deeply furrowed. What will he do now with his life?
CUT TO:
INT. THE NATIONAL GALLERY ~ DAY
The empty gallery BEAN just inspected. Then, from out behind the one
remaining statue, emerges MISS HUTCHINSON. Then, from behind a pillar,
LORD WALTON.
LORD WALTON
Is he gone?
MISS HUTCHINSON
Yes, my lord.
LORD WALTON
Tell the others.
MISS HUTCHINSON
Very well, my lord.
CUT TO:
INT. PITCH DARK ROOM. DAY.
Pitch dark. A door opens and the light from the corridor falls on the
150 gallery employees squashed into this one tiny room. It's the
gent's loo.
118
MISS HUTCHINSON's head pops in.
MISS HUTCHINSON
He's gone.
Massive cheer, bowlers in the air, massive music. Roll credits.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEAN'S HOUSE DAY.
Behind the credits, we see close-ups of BEAN hammering away at large
planks of wood on some wooden structure.
He walks away from it - without us seeing what it is
and goes to his Mini, where TEDDY sits on a pile of books in the front
seat, wearing a seat belt. Bean gets into the car, which is laden
with suitcases, starts it up and drives ....
.... straight into the huge crate he has built. A rope tied to the
back bumper pulls the lid closed behind him.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTORWAY. DAY.
The crate sits on the back of a speeding truck.
CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT. DAY.
The crate is now on the top of a forklift truck moving up the ramp on
an American airline cargo plane. Close up on a large sticker on the
crate: it reads: "DAVID LEARY, 23 WOODFORD AVENUE, CHESTERFIELD,
CALIFORNIA. HANDLE WITH CARE.
And cut to the plane flying through clear skies. Though, for the
Lear's of course there are no clear skies ahead.
THE END
bean.txt