[맨 인 블랙] Men in Black
Screenplay by Ed Solomon
Produced by Walter F. Parkes
Laurie MacDonald
Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld
Cast List:
Tommy Lee Jones K
Will Smith J
Linda Fiorentino Laurel
Vincent D'Onofrio Edgar
Rip Torn Zed
Tony Shalhoub Jeebs
Siobhan Fallon Beatrice
Mike Nussbaum Gentle Rosenberg
Richard Hamilton D
Keith Campbell Perb
John Alexander Mikey
EXT. ROAD ?TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER ?NIGHT
A million stars wink in the night desert sky. Down here on earth, an insect, one of those big,
beautiful, multicolored four-winged jobs, glides effortlessly on the breeze, wafting along through
the crisp Texas air.
The insect dips, it banks, it does loop-the-loops ?and then SPLATS unceremoniously against the
windshield of a white van that's tearing down the road.
INT. VAN ?TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER ?NIGHT
The DRIVER of the van, a fifty-year-old American, turns on the wipers, smearing the remains all
over.
DRIVER
Goddamn bugs.
He squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, but now he sees something
worse up ahead. It's a grouping of headlights, eight of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the
road.
He bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van. He speaks in Spanish, which
is subtitled.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
Deja me hablar.
(Let me do the talking)
EXT. ROAD ?TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER ?NIGHT
The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue four doors with "INS"
stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS AGENTS stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their
apparent leader steps forward and comes to the window.
The Driver rolls it down. AGENT JANUS, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also government issue,
looks at him and sighs.
AGENT JANUS
Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where you comin'
from?
DRIVER
I was fishing in Cuernavaca.
AGENT JANUS
Sure you were. What do you say we have a look at your
catch?
AT THE BACK OF THE VAN
The Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEXICANS, hopeful
immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus looks at the Driver, who's now held by two
other Agents, and shakes his head.
AGENT JANUS
Me, I woulda thrown 'em back.
(to the passengers, in Spanish)
Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina!
(Let's go. Out. Form a line!)
They pile out of the van. Some are parents with small children.
AGENT JANUS (CONT'D)
What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a head? Two
hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, pal,
'cause you're gonna need ?
He stops in the middle of his sentence, as another car is approaching, fast, its engine WHINING
as it barrels down the road toward them. Several Agents pull their weapons.
The new car pulls a hard right, goes off the road, spins around the INS cars, and SQUEALS to a
sideways halt, silhouetted in front of their headlights. It's a boxy, black 1986 Ford LTD.
TWO MEN get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple black ties, shiny black
shoes. KAY, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of world-weary; his partner, DEE, mid-sixties, is just
weary. They approach the INS agents.
KAY
We'll take it from here.
AGENT JANUS
Who the hell are you?
Kay and Dee flash some form of ID.
KAY
INS Division 6.
AGENT JANUS
Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.
KAY
Really?
Kay and Dee move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants.
KAY (CONT'D)
What're we thinking, Dee?
DEE
Tough call, Kay.
He walks down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily in Spanish.
KAY
!Oye! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey!
(What's up, how are you?)
No se preocupe, abuela. Bienvenida a los Estados Unidos.
(Don't worry grandma. Welcome to the United States.)
(next)
A donde vas? San Antonio? Buscando trabajo, no? Buena
suerta.
(Where are you going? San Antonio? Looking for work,
aren't you? Good luck.)
(next)
Es un placer verle aqui.
(It's a pleasure seeing you here.)
One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he reaches the fifth Guy,
he keeps the same cheery tone, but:
KAY (CONT'D)
Que dices si te rompo la cara?
(What do you say if I break your face?)
The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's
shoulder.
KAY (CONT'D)
No hablas ni una palabra del Espanol, verdad, amigo?
(You don't speak a word of Spanish, right, friend?)
Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.
KAY (CONT'D)
We got a winner.
(to the others)
Los restos estan libres a irse. Largense!
(The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)
AGENT JANUS
Sir!
KAY
Tomen el camion, y vayeuse.
(Get on the road and go.)
AGENT JANUS
Sir, you can't just ?
KAY
Don't "Sir" me! You have no idea who you're dealing with!
Silence on the road. The Driver grins, jumps back in the front seat of the van. The others pile
into the rear and they tear out of there.
KAY (CONT'D)
(to Janus)
We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You
boys can hit the road... and keep on protecting us from
dangerous aliens.
Kay and Dee escort their captive across the road and over a small rise, leaving the stunned INS
agents standing alone in the roadway.
AGENT JANUS
You ever heard of Division 6?
2ND INS AGENT
There is no Division 6.
3RD INS AGENT
Who are those guys?
EXT. DESERT CLEARING ?NIGHT
Kay and Dee lead their captive into a clearing in the desert brush. Dee pulls an enormous
handgun from a shoulder holster and stays a pace or two off, covering him. Kay has an arm
draped around the man's shoulders.
KAY
I think you jumped off the bus in the wrong part of town,
amigo. In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not ?
He pulls out a small laser device, which he ZIPS neatly down the front of the man's clothes.
KAY (CONT'D)
?from anywhere near here.
The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is underneath ?A SCALY SPACE
BASTARD, about four-and-a-half feet tall, with a snouth, snail-like tentacles, and independently
moving eyes on stalks at the top of his head.
The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the humanesque "head," which he
still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to
make expressions as he holds it.
KAY (CONT'D)
Mikey?! When did they let you out of jail?
MIKEY replies ?an unfathomable combination of GRUNTS, SQUEAKS, and saliva.
KAY (CONT'D)
Political refugee. Right.
DEE
You know how many treaty articles you've just violated?
Mikey makes a lame SQUEAK.
KAY
One, my ass. Try seven.
DEE
From unauthorized immigration to failure to properly
inoculate prior to landing.
KAY
(off Mikey's objections)
Okay, that's enough. Hand me your head and put up your
arms.
From behind Mikey, they hear a terrified GASP.
Kay and Dee both look over quickly. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall stalk, whips around too.
All three of them see Agent Janus, standing just over the rise, staring in frozen amazement.
KAY (CONT'D)
Ah, shit.
Agent Janus SCREAMS. Mikey rips free of the rest of the "Mexican" disguise, knocks Dee out of
the way, and takes off straight at Janus, SCREECHING a horrible Space Bastard screech. Janus
freezes, terrified.
KAY (CONT'D)
Dee! Shoot him!
Dee struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell out of his hand as he hit
the ground.
KAY (CONT'D)
Dee, for Christ's ?
Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. He steps on a rock, launches
himself into the air, his dripping jaws cranked wide open ?
?there is a SIZZLING sound, a brilliant white flash ?
?and Mikey ERUPTS in a geyser of blue goo that splatters all over the ground, the trees, and
Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, Kay stands, smoking weapon in hand.
EXT. ROAD ?TEXAS / MEXICO BORDER ?NIGHT
On the road, the INS Agents pull their guns and run toward the rise.
EXT. DESERT CLEARING ?NIGHT
Kay has an arm around Janus, whom he is leading further into the clearing. Janus is white,
shaking, eyes like silver dollars.
AGENT JANUS
Th ?th ?th ?
KAY
(helping)
"That."
AGENT JANUS
That wasn't ?wasn't ?wasn't ?
KAY
Human, I know. Oops. Got some entrails on you.
He takes out a handkerchief and wipes off the Agent's face. As he does, Janus looks back to
where Mikey blew up. Then at Kay. And then up at the stars.
The other INS Agents burst over the rise, SHOUTING questions.
KAY
Okay, everybody, situation's under control, calm down. If
you'll just give me your attention for a moment I'll tell you
what happened.
From over the rise, car engines WHINE in the distance and headlights start to flash around
them. Kay reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular metallic device the size of a pocket
recorder. He checks his watch, figures in his head, then dials an electronic counter on the side of
the device up to "08."
KAY (CONT'D)
This is called a "neuralyzer." A gift from some friends
from out of town. The red eye here isolates and measures
the electronic impulses in your brain. More specifically,
the ones for memory.
Behind him, six more MEN IN BLACK, all wearing black suits and sunglasses, come over the
hill. Kay barks a few orders to them.
KAY (CONT'D)
Gimme a splay burn on the perimeter, please; holes at 40,
60, and 80.
2ND INS AGENT
What in the hell is going on?!
KAY
Exactly the right question. And the answer lies right ?
here. Pay attention.
JANUS
Who are you, really?
KAY
Really? I'm just a figment of your imagination.
He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. Kay reaches into his pocket, puts on
his own black sunglasses ?
?and pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A BLINDING FLASH a tenth of a second
long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly.
KAY (CONT'D)
God, we're a gullible breed.
Behind him, TONGUES OF FIRE blast from a flame thrower held by one of the Men in Black.
Kay looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming around, as if awakening from a
concussion.
KAY (CONT'D)
I mean it, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like
that.
The Agents look around, confused.
AGENT JANUS
What ?blast?
Kay gestures behind him, where the Men in Black are now using fire extinguishers to douse the
flames they themselves started.
KAY
Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need to exercise
more caution before discharging your firearms.
He jabs a finger into Janus' chest.
KAY (CONT'D)
Especially you.
Dee has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at the night sky, his
sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. Kay steps away from the group and finds him. He sits
down next to him.
DEE
I'm sorry. About...back there.
KAY
Happens.
DEE
Didn't used to.
He holds up his hands, which tremble with age.
DEE (CONT'D)
The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of me...
He looks up, at the million stars shining overhead.
DEE (CONT'D)
They're beautiful, aren't they?
KAY
What?
DEE
The stars. We never just ?look. Anymore.
(back to Kay)
I'll tell ya, Kay. I will miss the chase.
Kay pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it.
KAY
No. You won't.
EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION ?SOUTHERN EXPOSURE ?NIGHT
A shot of the clock on the Station's stately southern exposure.
WE PAN DOWN TO...
A pair of feet running. They belong to a man we will know as the PERPETRATOR. As we track
with him, he SPEEDS UP and OUT OF FRAME.
A new set of feet come into frame. These belong to JAMES EDWARDS, a NYC Cop in
undercover street clothes. In the BACKGROUND, about ten feet behind, are two other cops,
trying to keep up.
Edwards is a lot faster, though. He pulls out his badge that hangs from a chain under his shirt.
EDWARDS
Stop! NYPD!
He continues running, out of frame, and we stay on one of the other COPS, overweight, who
gives up the chase and drops to his knees, heaving air.
COP
All yours, Edwards!
The Cop fumbles in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.
TRACK WITH EDWARDS AND THE PERP
As they run down the bridge that traverses Park Avenue in the low Forties.
The Perp veers to the left and, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it's a thirty-foot drop, he
hurdles the guard rail, and drops to Forty-first Street below.
Edwards is surprised by this maneuver, but doesn't waste a second. He, too, hurdles the guard
rail and lands on...
EXT. 41ST STREET AND PARK AVENUE ?NIGHT
A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS, one of those cheesy sightseers that hold up midtown traffic. The
bus, of course, is completely filled with JAPANESE TOURISTS, and it seems like every single
one of them has a video camera.
Edwards pushes through the crowd...
EDWARDS
Grand Central Station off to your left, folks...
With the bus still moving, he scrambles down the circular stairs and runs out through the side
door.
He spots the Perp, sailing east on Forty-first Street.
EDWARDS
Dammit, man, you're making me sweat up my gear!
Edwards spots one of those New York Post delivery trucks, the kind with the open back door,
rumbling by. He runs and jumps into the back.
EXT. FIFTH AVENUE ?NIGHT
The Perp, meanwhile, is running at top speed, when Edwards glides into frame, leaning off the
back of the truck.
EDWARDS
Yo, man, your luck just ran out.
He leaps from the back of the moving truck and tackles the Perp.
The Perp, now straddled by Edwards, is terrified.
PERP
He's coming! He's coming!
EDWARDS
And when he gets here, I'll kick his ass too.
Edwards is about to slap the cuffs on him, when the Perp blinks. Nothing unusual about that, but
then another set of translucent, milky white eyelids, underneath his regular eyelids, blinks also.
Edwards is thrown for a moment, which is all the time the Perp needs to pull out...
His WEAPON, which is the strangest looking gun you've ever seen. Reacting quickly, Edwards
bats it out of the Perp's hand.
The weapon smashes into the stone wall surrounding Central Park and SHATTERS into a
million pieces.
EDWARDS
What the...
WHOMP! The Perp kicks him in the nuts, then scrambles to his feet and takes off again. Edwards
staggers after him, in pain.
The Perp leaps over a moving car, towards the GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM. Edwards tries to
follow, but a bus pulls in front of him. After it passes, the Perp is gone.
EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM ?NIGHT
Edwards runs over to the Museum, leans over the wall that surrounds it, and in the next instant...
The Perp flies past him, having leapt from twenty feet down to the top of the Guggenheim. He
scrambles up and over the ledge.
Edward reacts. He runs to the front door of the Museum, shoots it open and runs inside.
He runs from the rotunda up the grand ramp of the Guggenheim.
EXT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM ?ROOF ?NIGHT
On the roof, the Perp reaches the top, climbs over the edge, and CRUNCHES to the gravel
surface. He leaps to his feet and races over to a door. It's locked.
He tugs on another. It's locked too. He pulls on a third. It swings open ?
?revealing Edwards on the other side, breathing hard. He aims his weapon at the Perp.
EDWARDS
Wassup?
The Perp SCREAMS inhumanly and panics. He backpedals, toward the edge of the roof.
PERP
He's coming! He's coming because I failed, and now he'll
kill me too!
EDWARDS
Stop!
PERP
You don't understand. Your world is gonna end.
But the Perp has backed right into the edge of the roof, and now he starts to fall over. The Perp
blinks.
EDWARDS
What are you?!
The Perp looks down. He decides.
?and he falls, SCREAMING, to his death.
CUT TO:
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ?NIGHT
Edwards sits on one side of the table, a POLICE INSPECTOR and a UNIFORMED SERGEANT
(the one who gave up the chase and lit a cigarette earlier), sit across from him.
INSPECTOR
Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids. You mean
blinked with both eyes?
EDWARDS
No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then again with
another completely different set.
SERGEANT
Sort of a low beam, high beam.
INSPECTOR
Was that before or after he drew the weapon which you
claim evaporated into a million pieces?
EDWARDS
After, sir.
INSPECTOR
And why do you suppose none of the other officers saw
either of these two events?
EDWARDS
'Cause some of the other officers are a little soggy in the
midsection. And they couldn't keep up, sir.
SERGEANT
Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am ?
EDWARDS
What do you mean? I am half the man you are.
SERGEANT
What the hell is your problem?
EDWARDS
My problem is you being all up in my damn face all the
time.
SERGEANT
I think he threw him off the roof. Ten minutes ?your best
shot.
INSPECTOR
(cutting off the Sergeant)
Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside. Now.
EDWARDS
You need ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ?LATER ?NIGHT
A woman sneaks into the room. DOCTOR LAUREL WEAVER, thirtyish, dark-haired, dark-
eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above him. Laurel looks like she was just
dragged out of bed (which she was) and saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her
shoulder once, then whispers to him.
LAUREL
Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. I believe you. I
opened him up. Find me at the morgue. On 26th. I'll tell
you what I found.
EDWARDS
Hey... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
LAUREL
(turning at the door)
You have really pretty eyes.
She hurries to turn the corner, but is STOPPED by someone who remains just offscreen.
VOICE (O.S.)
Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office? Working on the
John Doe?
Edwards twists in his chair, to get a better look. All he sees is Laurel, facing whoever it is in the
hallway.
LAUREL
Yes. That's right.
VOICE (O.S.)
Would you look right here, please.
The Someone says something else and Laurel steps forward, now also out of Edwards's line of
vision.
LAUREL (O.S.)
Look where?
Edwards stretches even further in his seat, when there is a blinding FLASH from the corridor.
Really curious now, he starts to get up ?
?when KAY steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Edwards rolls his eyes.
KAY
Some night, huh?
EDWARDS
Oh, yeah, some night.
He crosses to the door.
KAY
They were gills.
Edwards stops.
KAY
Not eyelids.
EDWARDS
Who are you?
KAY
Did he say anything to you?
EDWARDS
(scoffing)
Yeah, sure. He said the world was coming to an end.
KAY
Did he say when?
EDWARDS
You're kidding, right?
KAY
Would you recognize his weapon if you saw it again?
EDWARDS
Absolutely.
KAY
Let's take a ride.
EDWARDS
Wait a minute. I got a ton of paperwork.
KAY
It's all done.
At that point, the Inspector sticks his head in, smiles and gives Edwards the thumbs up.
INSPECTOR
Good work, Edwards.
Edwards looks at the Inspector, then at Kay. As they leave.
KAY
You ran that guy down on foot? That's tough. That's
double tough.
CUT TO:
INT. FORD LTD ?A MOMENT LATER ?DRIVING
In a plain, boxy Ford, Kay drives, silent. He raises his hand and nods to a black MIB truck
coming in the opposite direction.Edwards, in the passenger seat, is still in his undercover outfit.
EDWARDS
So who you with?
Kay says nothing.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
You got the plain clothes, the government-issued wheels.
Secret Service? CIA?
Kay remains utterly silent.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
(referring to the car)
Yeah, well, whoever it is, you're short on funding.
KAY
Nothing is what it seems, kid.
EDWARDS
Oh, yeah, my bad '86 Ford LTD. That's a luxury ride.
C'mon, who ya with?
Kay pulls the car to a stop.
KAY
I'm part of a secret organization that monitors and polices
alien activity on earth.
Kay opens the door and gets out of the car. Edwards follows.
EXT. PAWN SHOP ?NIGHT
Edwards looks around. Sees they're standing in front of a PAWN SHOP.
EDWARDS
This is where we're going?
They get out of the car.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Jack Jeebs? Guy buys from chain snatchers. Doesn't even
sell guns.
KAY
Really?
EDWARDS
All right, you think it's worth shaking him up, fine. I'll do
my thing. Then I want some answers.
KAY
Do your "thing," kid. Edwards goes inside.
INT. PAWN SHOP ?NIGHT
JACK JEEBS is the sleazy, sarcastic proprietor of the Pawn Shop. He's not easily intimidated.
JEEBS
Officer Edwards. Oh, hey, geez, how'd these get here? I
thought I turned 'em in to the proper authorities.
He casually brushes some Rolexes off the counter.
EDWARDS
Way I hear it, Jeebs, you into something a little hotter than
some stolen Rolexes.
JEEBS
Sure ?I'm a big crack dealer now. I just work here
because I love the hours.
This pisses Edwards off. He grabs Jeebs by the collar.
EDWARDS
(getting angry)
I'm talking about guns, Jeebs. High-tech stuff.
JEEBS
C'mon, Edwards, whatcha see is what I got.
KAY (O.S.)
Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs.
At the sound of Kay's voice, Jeebs suddenly pales, a look of fear coming over his face.
JEEBS
H-hiya Kay, how are you?
KAY
The imports, Jeebs. Now.
JEEBS
You know I got outta that business a long time ago, Kay.
KAY
Why do you lie to me? I hate it when you lie.
He pulls his own gun and aims it at Jeebs' forehead.
JEEBS
Whoa, whoa, Kay, hold on a minute here...
KAY
I'm going to count to three.
Edwards, seeing that Kay is getting somewhere, joins in the routine.
EDWARDS
He'll do it, Jeebs.
KAY
One.
EDWARDS
I've seen him do it.
KAY
Two.
EDWARDS
Talk to me, Jeebs, he's crazy when he's like this.
JEEBS
He's always crazy.
(to Kay)
Take a cruise. Get a massage ?
KAY
Three.
KA-BOOM! Kay blows Jeebs' head off and Jeebs' body collapses to the floor. Edwards is
shocked.
Edwards pulls his own weapon and points it at Kay's head.
EDWARDS
Put down the gun and put your hands on the counter!
KAY
I warned him.
EDWARDS
Drop the weapon!
KAY
You warned him.
EDWARDS
You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.
KAY
Will you relax?
JEEBS (O.S.)
(irritated)
Don't do that.
Edwards whirls around to see Jeebs' body, growing another head. Only takes four or five
seconds. Kay calmly shoves his gun up against Jeebs' baby-soft new cheek.
JEEBS (CONT'D)
Do you know how much that hurts?
KAY
Show us what you got, Jeebs. Or I'll use up another one.
Jeebs, panicked, hits a button on the underside of the counter, which promptly flips over,
revealing yet another dusty shelf, piled high with junk ?
?but this is all alien junk. Weapons, mostly, bizarre, otherworldly weapons of all shapes and
sizes.
KAY
Edwards?
Edwards, still dazed by Jeebs' regrown head, glances down at all the weapons.
EDWARDS
Uh, this. This is what I saw.
Kay looks at Jeebs, pissed off.
KAY
You sold a carbonizer with implosion capacity to an
unlicensed cephlapoid.
JEEBS
He looked all right to me.
KAY
A carbonizer is an assassin's weapon, Jeebs. Who was the
target?
JEEBS
I don't know.
Kay raises the weapon again, threatening.
KAY
Jeebs!
JEEBS
I don't know!
Kay lowers his gun, gestures to the shelf full of weapons.
KAY
This is all confiscated. All of it. I want you on the next
transport off this rock. Or I'll shoot you where it doesn't
grow back.
Jeebs nods, point taken. Kay leaves.
EDWARDS
Yeah. I'll be by tomorrow for those Rolexes.
Shaken, Edwards follows.
EXT. PAWN SHOP ?NIGHT
Edwards staggers out of the shop, trying to get the day's events straight in his head.
EDWARDS
The eyelids, fine... and the jumping thing... and the gun...
okay, but the head?
KAY
Searching for a handle on the moment here? A place to file
all this.
EDWARDS
See a head doesn't do that, it doesn't just grow back.
(looking up)
What's going on?
KAY
Can't help you, kid. Only comfort I can offer is that
tomorrow, you won't remember a thing.
EDWARDS
Oh, no. This I'm gonna remember for a long, long time.
Kay pulls the neuralyzer from his pocket. He hesitates for the briefest of moments ?as if this
particular neuralyzation is different than all the others.
Then he puts on his sunglasses.
KAY
Ever see one of these?
CUT TO:
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT ?NIGHT
?the flash dims on Edwards and Kay, sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant.
KAY
(finishing a joke)
?and the wife says yeah, Harry, I know, but this one's
eating my popcorn!
He busts out laughing. Edwards, across from him, is completely disoriented. He looks down.
There's a half-eaten order of broccoli beef and several empty bottles of beer on the table in front
of him.
EDWARDS
Huh?
Kay checks his watch.
KAY
Whoops. Gotta run. Thanks for the egg rolls.
EDWARDS
Where am I?
KAY
See what I mean about tequila? You're a bright young
man, James. Just lay off the sauce. I'll see you tomorrow,
nine a.m. sharp.
He turns and walks out. Edwards checks his watch. A WAITRESS appears.
WAITRESS
Another beer?
EDWARDS
Coffee. Please.
She walks off. Edwards looks at the table. There is a business card lying next to his plate, on
which Kay has handwritten "James D. Edwards, Saturday, 9 a.m., 504 Battery Drive."
Edwards looks at it, puzzled. He turns the card over and looks at the other side. There's not much
there, no name, no phone or fax number, no e-mail address. Just three little letters, dead in the
middle of the card:
"MIB"
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE ?NIGHT
A lonely farmhouse stands amid the fields of upstate New York farm country. Several lights are
on and through a window we can see the silhouette of a MAN sitting at the kitchen table, the
silhouette of a WOMAN hovering over him, bringing things to him.
The Man (EDGAR) waves his arms, ranting.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to
come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on
the table, but instead I get this ?this ?I don't even know
what you call this!
In the sky above, it's one of those brilliant star fields. But something strange is happening with
one of those stars ?it's getting bigger.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I'll tell you what it looks like, it looks like poison. Don't you
take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't
it?!
No, that star isn't getting bigger, it's moving. Toward us. Fast. It goes from a pinpoint to a dime,
to a nickel, to a quarter, and works its way into fruit metaphors.
EDGAR (O.S.)
I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way
you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much ?or
ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind.
Okay, we're way past watermelon now, that thing is huge, and it's starting to glow hot red as it
enters the earth's atmosphere, headed straight toward us, coming here, to Beatrice and Edgar's
place.
The blazing fireball barrels through the sky, SNAPS off a couple trees ?
EDGAR (O.S.)
You're useless, Beatrice! The only thing that pulls its
weight around here is my goddamn truck!
?and SLAMS right through a pickup truck parked in the driveway. A concussive BLAST follows,
then a geyser of smoke and flame erupts.
EDGAR (O.S.)
Stay here!
The silhouette of Edgar leaps to its feet, races to the door, and throws it open. Edgar is
everything his voice led us to expect ?a nasty, bug-eyed redneck carrying a twelve-gauge
shotgun. His mouth agape, he walks across the yard and stares at the hulking shell that was his
truck. The skeleton of the truck is still there, but there's a huge, smoldering hole in it, a hole that
goes at least ten feet down into the ground.
EDGAR
Figures.
He walks to the truck and touches the door handle. Hot. Using his shirt tail, he opens the door
and peers down into the hole.
IN THE HOLE
He sees a smooth curve of metal and a few blinking lights. Embedded into the ground is, indeed,
a spaceship, maybe eight feet across.
BEATRICE calls from behind him, standing in the doorway fearfully.
BEATRICE
What is it, Edgar?!
EDGAR
(turns to her)
Get your big butt back in that house!
Beatrice does as she's told, closing the door behind her. Edgar turns back to the smoldering
rock, raising his shotgun in defense. An OTHERWORLDLY VOICE comes from deep in the
hole.
VOICE (O.S.)
Place projectile weapon on ground.
Edgar staggers back a step, terrified. But then he regains himself, raises the weapon, and steps
forward, pointing it menacingly down into the hole.
EDGAR
You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead
fingers!
There is a pause while the voice thinks about this offer. Finally, it responds, in a voice and
cadence remarkably similar to Edgar's.
VOICE (O.S.)
Your proposal is acceptable.
A long, hairy pincer flashes out of the hole, grabs Edgar by the head, and pulls him down into
the hole.
From deep in the hole, we hear a terrible RIPPING sound, like a bedsheet being torn in half.
There are some disgusting GUSHY sounds, then a moment later, something flies out of the hole
and FLOPS onto the ground next to the truck.
It's Edgar. Well, sort of. His body parts still hang together ?face, arms, legs, even clothes ?but
everything inside has been removed and now he just lies there, flat and empty, like a tuxedo on
the floor after the prom.
The shotgun flies out and lands beside him.
CUT TO:
INT. FARMHOUSE ?KITCHEN ?NIGHT
Beatrice sits at the kitchen table, terrified, still wiping away tears from Edgar's diatribe. The
door opens and Edgar comes back into the kitchen, seemingly fleshed out again, leaving the
door hanging open behind him. He carries the shotgun.
She looks up at him, anxious. But his face is a blank.
BEATRICE
What on earth was it?!
He looks at her strangely. When he speaks, his voice is different than before. More refined.
EDGAR
Sugar.
Pause. She looks out the window, at the smoking truck.
BEATRICE
I've never seen sugar do that.
EDGAR
Give me sugar.
Puzzled, Beatrice gets up, goes to the cabinet, and grabs a bag of sugar. She holds it out to him.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
In water.
Frightened, she takes a glass of water from the table. She dumps some of the sugar into it.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
More.
She puts more, till the glass is brimming. She stirs it quickly with a knife and hands it to him, her
hand trembling.
Edgar takes it and downs it in a single gulp. Beatrice stares at Edgar, no idea what to think. She
notices something odd about the skin on his neck.
BEATRICE
Edgar, your skin! It's ?it's ?just hanging off your bones!
Edgar drops the glass and looks in a window, to catch his reflection. He reaches up ?and twists
his whole face, as if adjusting a ski mask, then tucks the skin of his neck back into his shirt
collar. He looks at her.
EDGAR
That better?
Beatrice faints.
EXT. FARMHOUSE ?NIGHT
Stillness. Silence. A loud SCRAPING sound comes from the pit left by the spaceship.
The nose of the ship itself rises up out of the pit, wavers, keeps moving, and finally CRUNCHES
to the ground outside the pit.
Edgar climbs out of the pit, breathing heavily. He dusts himself off and continues pushing the
ship, along the ground, off into the darkness.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING ?DAY
The next morning. Edwards, holding the small MIB business card in his hand, compares the
address written down by Kay to the address on the utterly nondescript building in front of him.
It's seven stories high, gray, windowless, perfectly square, squatting on a bridge over a road like
a fat guy on the john. "504 Battery Drive."
INT. MIB BUILDING ?TUNNEL VENT ROOM ?DAY
Edwards steps through a heavily barred metal door and into long, bizarre room. One wall is
entirely dominated by the enormous blades of a tunnel vent air intake. There is an elevator at the
far end of the room and an OLD SECURITY GUARD, the rent-a-cop kind, reading a comic
book on a folding metal chair halfway across.
Edwards walks across the room, his footsteps ECHOING. The Guard looks up.
GUARD
Help you?
EDWARDS
Maybe, I'm not sure, see, I got this card ?
GUARD
Elevator. Push the "call" button.
And he goes back to his comic book. Edwards, maybe out of nothing more than curiosity at this
point, walks across the room, toward the elevator. As he draws close, the elevator doors
WHOOSH open, expecting him.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?ENTRANCE ELEVATOR ?DAY
Edwards steps inside and turns around. The doors close. He pushes the "call" button and waits,
but the elevator doesn't move. Instead, doors on the other side of the elevator slide open silently
behind him. Edwards waits, unaware.
From behind him, somebody clears their throat. Edwards turns around, and finds himself
standing in ?
INT. MIB BUILDING ?INTERVIEW ROOM ?DAY
This back room is every bit as mysterious and unfamiliar as the entryway. Standing at the front
of the room is ZED, a wire-haired career G-man, an old school bureaucrat, wearing the exact
same kind of suit Kay had on last night. SIX OTHER HOT RECRUITS sit in egg-shaped chairs,
staring at Edwards.
One chair is empty.
ZED
You're late. Sit down.
Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the
Recruits.
ZED (CONT'D)
My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of
the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers... NYPD.
They all turn and regard Edwards a little smugly. He gives it back.
ZED (CONT'D)
And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will
follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor
skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina ?I
see we have a question.
Edwards's hand is, indeed, up.
EDWARDS
Why, uh ?I'm sorry, it's just no one really asked this, but ?
why, exactly, are we doing this?
Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him.
ZED
Son?
AMBITIOUS RECRUIT
(loud and formal)
Jake Jensen, West Point, graduate with honors. We're
here because you're looking for the best of the best of the
best, sir!
Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't.
ZED
What's so funny, Edwards?
EDWARDS
I ?I don't know, sir. This guy. "Best of the best of the best
of the best of the ?
(realizing nobody is with him on this)
It just struck me as ?
(totally serious)
Humorous. Sir.
Short pause. Then Zed continues.
ZED
Okay. Let's get going.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?INTERVIEW ROOM ?LATER ?DAY
The recruits scribble away at the written test. It's a thick document ?reasoning skills, general
knowledge, diagrams. The Recruits seem to be really powering through it, filling in answer after
answer.
But no desks have been provided for them, and they're all still in their chairs, writing
uncomfortably on their thighs or knees.
EDWARDS Is really struggling. He writes two words on one answer, then decides to erase it. The
lack of a writing surface is driving him crazy; his pencil even TEARS through the page.
He looks up. In the middle of the tile floor, there is an unused table. Edwards gets up, goes to it,
grabs hold ?
and drags it, SCREECHING DEAFENINGLY, back to his chair. Everybody looks up, wincing at
the horrible sound that fills the room.
Edwards sits back down, now writing on the table. That's better.
Zed raises an eyebrow. He stares at Edwards, then looks up, toward a smoked glass window.
Behind the dark glass, a FIGURE stands, staring, unemotional.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING ?SHOOTING GALLERY ?DAY
SEVEN WEAPONS rest on a table in the middle of an otherwise empty, triangular room. The
seven Recruits stand in front of the table.
There's an odd moment ?where everyone sort of looks around: at each other, at the blank
walls...
EDWARDS
Anyone, uh...any of you guys know what we're doing here?
MARINE
(clipped, unquestioning)
Looking for the best of the best of the best.
EDWARDS
(can't help but smile)
Well, yeah, I know, but...
And then... suddenly ?
The two far walls pull apart. The whole room pulsates and the air is suddenly filled with a
bewildering swirl of stroboscopic images, both human and alien. Everywhere is color, light and
movement ?a holographic mass of strange shapes and characters moving simultaneously.
The Recruits lunge for the weapons, snapping them up and taking aim. SIX SHOTS are fired at
once. And then, a second later, a SEVENTH SHOT is fired. Everyone sort of looks at Edwards,
who puts his gun down last.
There's an awkward silence. Then the door opens. Light pours in, and Zed with it. Even the
highly competitive cadets can't help but feel some sympathy as Zed walks straight to Edwards.
ZED
The hell happened?
EDWARDS
Hesitated, sir.
Zed looks into the gallery. Most obvious in the frozen tableau of creatures is a lunging, snarling
beast, which has three bullet holes in its chest. Next to it is a massively deformed humanoid
creature with a large hook for a head, which also has three holes in it. In the back corner of the
gallery, there is a single bullet hole in a pretty eight-year-old girl.
ZED
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
EDWARDS
She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous. At
the time.
ZED
And how did you come to that conclusion?
EDWARDS
Hook-head guy. You explain to me how he can think with a
hook for a head. Answer; it's not his head. His head is that
butt-ugly bean-bag thing over there. 'Cause if you look at
the snarling beast-guy, he's not snarling, he's sneezing ?
he's got tissues in his hand. No threat there, and anyhow,
the girl's books were way too advanced for an eight-year-
old's. And besides, from where I'm looking, she was the
only one who appeared to have a motive. And I don't
appreciate your jumping down my throat about it.
Sideways glances from the other recruits. Zed sighs.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Or, uh ?do I owe her an apology?
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING ?OBSERVATION ROOM/INTERVIEW ROOM ?DAY
Zed and Kay stand behind smoked glass, staring at the Recruits, who are still in the shooting
gallery, waiting for a decision.
ZED
He's got a real problem with authority.
KAY
So do I. The guy ran down a cephlapoid, Zed. On foot.
Tenacity. That I can use.
ZED
I hope you know what you're doing.
Zed turns and walks away. Kay stares through the glass, at Edwards, who stands alone on one
side of the room, apart from the rest of the group.
Zed reappears on the other side of the glass, coming through a door and into the shooting
gallery. As he talks, Kay turns and walks off.
ZED (CONT'D)
Congratulations, you're everything we've come to expect
from years of government training. Now, if you'll just
follow me, we have one more test to administer, an eye
exam.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HALLWAY ?DAY
The Recruits follow Zed out of the shooting gallery and into a long hallway. Zed motions them
off to the left. Edwards is the last one out of the room, but he stops as he steps into the hallway.
Kay is outside the door, waiting for him. Edwards recognizes him from last night.
EDWARDS
You! Hey, what's goin' on?
The other recruits continue down the hall with Zed. Kay doesn't answer, just gestures to Edwards
to follow him down the hall, which he does.
KAY
Back in the mid-fifties, the government started a little
underfunded agency with the simple and laughable
purpose of making contact with a race not of this planet.
As they pass an alcove, Edwards notices the six other Recruits, who have been herded into a
corner. Zed, addressing them, pulls a neuralyzer from his pocket.
ZED
Now, if you'll look directly at the end of this device.
He holds a neuralyzer up in front of them, and the Recruits stare obediently at it as Zed slips on
a pair of black sunglasses.
Edwards stares, fascinated, but Kay's hand reaches in and yanks him away, just as Zed's
neuralyzer FLASHES WHITE.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HALLWAY ?DAY
As Kay leads Edwards down an impossibly long corridor, he hands him a file folder stuffed thick
with eight by ten photographs.
He hands Jay the first picture, a shot of eight or nine MEN in plain black suits standing around
a fifties-style office with metal desks and fluorescent lights. Dee and Zed are there, much
younger.
KAY
Everybody thought the agency was a joke. Except the
aliens. They made contact on March 2nd, 1961, outside
New York City.
Another photograph, a grainy black and white image of two ships hovering in the night sky ?
classic flying saucer shapes.
KAY (CONT'D)
There were nine of us that night. Seven agents. An amateur
astronomer. And one poor kid who got lost on the wrong
back road.
Yet another photograph, this one showing a young Kay, in a shirt and tie, holding a bouquet of
flowers, staring at the open door of the landed flying saucer. ALIEN SHAPES are visible within.
EDWARDS
You brought the aliens flowers?
Kay steers Edwards to the right, down another corridor, just as long as the first.
KAY
They were intergalactic refugees with a simple request. Let
us use the earth as an apolitical zone for people without a
planet. Ever see "Casablanca?" Same thing, no Nazis. We
agreed. So we masked all evidence of their landing.
Another picture, this one of the 1964 World's Fair grounds, still under construction. Giant
models of rockets mark the Fair's theme of space travel; most prominent in the construction are
two tall towers, with the flying saucers now mounted at the top of each.
EDWARDS
The 1964 World's Fair was a coverup?
KAY
Why else would we hold it in Queens?
(another hallway)
Now left. More nonhumans arrive every year. They live
among us, in secret.
EDWARDS
I see. Not to change the subject, but when was your last
cat-scan?
KAY
Every six months; it's company policy.
EDWARDS
Well, thanks for the very amusing morning, but I'm hopin'
you'll show me where I came in? 'Cause this is where I go
out.
They have stopped next to an unmarked door. Kay throws it open and steps inside.
KAY
Yeah, sure, hang on, I wanna grab a coffee while we're
right here.
As Kay walks into the kitchenette, Edwards' jaw drops, his eyes widen, and he stares in
wonderment ?
?at THREE WORM-LIKE ALIENS standing around a water cooler. Tall, impossibly thin, most
certainly not from New York, the aliens hold an animated conversation in a language that seems
like a combination of Esperanto and microphone feedback.
KAY (CONT'D)
(to the aliens)
Don't tell me we've only got that powdered shit for cream
again?
One of the Worm Aliens answers him in their native tongue and points to the counter.
KAY (CONT'D)
Oh.
He finds the cream sitting out on the counter where the alien indicated, dumps some in his
coffee, and comes back outside, closing the door behind him. He reaches up and gently pushes
Edwards' jaw up, closing his mouth.
KAY (CONT'D)
For future reference, this is a better look for you.
CUT TO:
EXT. BATTERY PARK ?DAY
Edwards, thrown for a major loop, sits like a zombie alongside Kay on a bench in Battery Park.
Kay drinks his coffee while they talk.
KAY
Any given time, around fifteen hundred landed aliens are
on the planet, the majority right here in Manhattan. Most
aliens are decent enough, just trying to make a living.
EDWARDS
Cab drivers?
KAY
Not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part,
don't have a clue. Don't want one, either. They're happy.
They think they've got a pretty good bead on things.
EDWARDS
Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.
KAY
A person is smart. People are dumb. Everything they've
ever "known" has been proven to be wrong. A thousand
years ago everybody knew as a fact, that the earth was the
center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, they knew
it was flat. Fifteen minutes ago, you knew we humans were
alone on it. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
EDWARDS
So what's the catch?
KAY
What you'll gain in perspective, you'll lose in ways you're
too young to comprehend. You give up everything. Sever
every human contact. No one will know you exist. Ever.
EDWARDS
Nobody?
KAY
You're not even allowed a favorite shirt. There. That's the
speech I never heard. That's the choice I never got.
EDWARDS
Hold up. You track me down, put me through those stupid-
ass tests, now you're trying to talk me out of it. I don't get
it.
KAY
You got 'til sun-up.
EDWARDS
Is it worth it?
KAY
You find out, you let me know.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BATTERY PARK ?DUSK
Almost nighttime now, and the park is empty. Edwards is still on the bench. And still thinking.
Above him, the stars are coming out.
Slowly, he looks up, into the vastness of the heavens.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GARAGE ?DAY
The next morning. A door opens on a garage and an ORKIN MAN steps inside, carrying a tank
of toxic gas. The morning light spills on an abundance of spiders, crawling everywhere ?big
ones, small ones, hundreds of them have moved in and taken over this dusty place.
The Orkin Man sighs and sets down his tank.
ORKIN MAN
Well, well, well. Movin' right in, are we? Think we own the
place?
He unfurls a hose from the side of the tank.
ORKIN MAN (CONT'D)
Got a little eviction notice for you, boys.
He raises a mask to his face and unscrews the handle on the top of the tank. LETHAL GAS
starts to HISS from the end of the hose.
VOICE (O.S.)
Just what exactly do you think you're doing?
The Orkin Man turns around. Edgar stands in the doorway to the garage, staring at him
disdainfully.
ORKIN MAN
(shrugs)
Takin' care of your pest problem.
EDGAR
"Pest" problem? "Pest?"
ORKIN MAN
Yeah. You got a hell of an infestation.
Edgar advances on him, slowly.
EDGAR
You know, I have noticed an infestation here. Everywhere
I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely
conscious pond scum. So convinced of their own superiority
as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
ORKIN MAN
Well ?yeah. Don't you want to get rid of 'em?
EDGAR
In the worst way.
Edgar lashes out quickly, jerking the mask off the Orkin Man's face with one hand ?
?and shoving the gas hose down his throat with the other.
THE ORKIN MAN'S CAR KEYS drop to the garage floor, and Edgar picks them up.
EXT. GARAGE ?DAY
A six-by-ten sheet of plywood THUDS to the driveway outside the garage. Edgar raises one end
of it so it's hanging off the back end of the Orkin man's van ?now it's a ramp.
He walks off and we hear that familiar SCRAPING sound again. Edgar, GRUNTING with the
effort, slowly pushes his spaceship up the ramp and into the back of the Orkin truck.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING ?TUNNEL VENT ROOM ?DAY
Edwards stands in the middle of the tunnel vent room, the same one he first came into yesterday.
The elevator doors open and Kay, obviously summoned by the old Security Guard, stands
waiting for him.
EDWARDS
One thing you gotta know right now.
Edwards walks briskly forward and gets in the elevator with Kay.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?ELEVATOR ?DAY
Inside the elevator, the doors WHOOSH shut, Kay turns a key in a certain floor number, and the
descent begins. Edwards continues.
EDWARDS
All right. I'm in because there's some next-level shit going
on around here, and I'm with that. Before you beam me up,
there are a couple of things we need to get straight. You
chose me 'cause you recognize the skills. So as of now you
can cease with all of that calling me "son" or "kid" or
"sport." Cool?
KAY
Cool, slick. Now about those skills of yours,
The elevator doors ?
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?DAY
?slide open on Men in Black headquarters.
KAY
As of this moment, they don't mean much.
It's unlike anything we've ever seen ?huge, multileveled, of sixties design, polished steel and
glass. The workplaces are sleek and uncluttered, manned by both HUMANS and ALIENS. Most
of the Aliens stay in the background, like the UPSIDE-DOWN GUY who walks on the ceiling,
shuffling papers.
Kay and Edwards step off the elevator and onto a platform that looks out over the whole place.
Kay leads him down into the complex. First, they walk past a sort of passport control center,
where a human BUREAUCRAT at a desk is checking the documents of a line of ALIENS who've
just arrived. There are a dozen bizarre life forms in that line, CHATTING in half a dozen
different alien tongues.
Edwards slows as they pass, listening to the PASSPORT CONTROL OFFICER as he addresses
an ARQUILLIAN, a large, humanoid visitor.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Purpose of trip?
ARQUILLIAN
Diplomatic mission.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Duration of stay?
ARQUILLIAN
Lunch.
PASSPORT OFFICER
Carrying any fruits or vegetables?
Edwards just stares, fascinated, but Kay grabs him by the arm and hurries him along.
KAY
Let's go. He's a little...grouchy.
Kay moves him into the central hall.
KAY
A couple of hours wait after a 17-light-year flight would get
on anybody's nerves.
EDWARDS
What branch of the government do we report to?
KAY
None. They started asking too many questions.
EDWARDS
So who pays for all this?
KAY
Oh, we hold a few patents on gadgets we confiscated from
our out-of-state visitors. Velcro. Microwave Ovens.
Liposuction.
AT A STORAGE CAGE
Kay turns a key in the lock of a caged-in area and throws the door open. Inside, there are piles
of sophisticated-looking devices stacked on shelves and tabletops.
KAY
(picking something up)
Here. A new recording device to replace CD's. So now I
gotta buy the White Album again?
(something else)
This is amusing. Universal translator.
He holds up a cylindrical metal tube and a small wire clip that looks like a lapel microphone.
KAY (CONT'D)
We're not supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human
thought is so primitive it's considered an infectious disease.
Makes you proud, doesn't it?
Edwards picks up a small yellow ball from one of the shelves.
EDWARDS
What's this?
KAY (CONT'D)
Don't touch that!
THE BALL ZINGS OUT OF EDWARDS' HANDS ?it flies out into the main complex ?hits the
ceiling and ricochets around the room, faster than the eye can follow ?
VARIOUS SHOTS OF HUMANS AND ALIENS
Ducking, dodging, and jumping out of its way.
ON KAY
As he calmly, a little wearily, slips an odd-looking metal glove over his right hand...
He raises his hand and the yellow ball zings into it ?Kay catches the ball, calmly.
KAY (CONT'D)
Caused the '77 New York blackout. Practical joke by the
Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
They leave the room.
EDWARDS
Sorry!
ON THE MAIN FLOOR
They walk briskly across the room, reaching a giant screen on the far wall.
KAY
Observation, the heart of our little endeavor.
The screen displays a map of the world on which thousands of tiny lights blink in all parts of the
globe, log lines of data flashing next to them.
KAY (CONT'D)
This map shows the location of every registered alien on
earth at any given time. Some of them we keep under
constant surveillance.
He hits a button on the console and the map is replaced by hundreds of boxes, each with smaller
video images.
KAY (CONT'D)
Everyone on these screens is an alien. In public ?normal.
In private ?you'll get the idea.
ON THE SCREENS
We see live images of aliens. Aliens who look alien are in spots where they can't be seen. Aliens
who look human are functioning right out in public ?including SAM DONALDSON. MICHAEL
JACKSON. And TONY ROBBINS.
KAY (CONT'D)
Meet the twins.
Kay gestures to two small, bony CREATURES with eight arms each and a single eye growing
out of a central stalk in their heads. They turn around and wave two or three arms each.
EDWARDS
I gotta be honest about something.
KAY
It makes no sense?
EDWARDS
It makes perfect sense. When I was a third grader in
Philadelphia, they told me I was crazy 'cause I swore that
our teacher was from, like, Venus or something.
KAY
Mrs. Edelson.
Edwards, stunned, looks at Kay as 4-Eyes boots her onto the screen: Mean face, cat glasses.
Bony fingers. Extremely well-hidden tail.
KAY
Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.
With their remaining arms, they punch button after button on the enormous console. ZED, who
was standing up close to the screen, walks over to Edwards, sizing him up.
ZED
What's your jacket size, Edwards?
EDWARDS
Uh ?forty regular.
ZED
Then let's put it on.
EDWARDS
Put what on?
ZED
The last suit you'll ever wear.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING ?LOCKER ROOM ?DAY
Like the rest of the place, the MIB locker room is all white. White walls, white floor, white
ceiling, white lockers. ZED'S VOICE comes over:
ZED (O.S.)
From now on, you'll dress only in attire specially
sanctioned by MIB Special Services.
Edwards reaches out and opens a white locker, revealing a BLACK SUIT hung from a hanger in
the middle. Above it, on the shelf, a BLACK HAT and a pair of BLACK SUNGLASSES. On the
bottom, a pair of SHINY BLACK SHOES.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?DAY
Kay is at a computer terminal. On screen are Edwards's birth certificate, driver's license, social
security card, library card, everything. Zed's Voice continues:
ZED (O.S.)
You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we
tell you, live where we tell you, get approval for any
expenditure over a hundred dollars.
INT. MIB BUILDING LASER BOOTH ?DAY
EDWARDS stands in a cramped white booth.
He holds both his hands on a TEN-FINGERED KEYPAD, pressing down hard. The pad glows
red, a SEARING sound comes from his hands, and he grimaces as more lasers instantly and (not
at all) painlessly change his fingerprints.
ZED (O.S.)
You will have no identifying marks of any kind. You will
not stand out in any way.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?DAY
One by one, KAY deletes Edwards's identity cards.
On the computer screen is Edwards' full name ?"JAMES DARREL EDWARDS III". Kay punches
a couple keys, and the cursor begins to sweep from right to left, starting to eliminate the
rightmost letters of Edwards's name.
ZED (O.S.)
Your entire image is carefully crafted to leave no lasting
memory whatsoever with anyone you encounter.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?LOCKER ROOM ?DAY
Pants come off the hanger. The white shirt is removed.
More letters are eliminated from his name. It reads "JAMES DARREL ED..." then "JAMES
DARR..."
ZED (O.S.)
You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and
dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never
even born.
The coat is removed. The hat comes off the shelf.
ZED (O.S.)
Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.
"JAMES..." "JAM..."
ZED (O.S.)
You are no longer part of "the system." We're above the
system. Over it. Beyond it.
Feet slip into black shoes. A belt is buckled. A tie pushed up.
ZED (O.S.)
We're "them." We're "they."
On screen, all that's left is the letter "J."
As the coat is buttoned, we notice the sleeve. Monogrammed on the cuff is, simply, the letter "J."
ZED (O.S.)
We are the Men in Black.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?DAY
Looking slick and handsome in his extremely sharp suit, James D. Edwards III ?or, rather, JAY
?steps into the doorway from the locker room. He reaches into his pocket, takes out the
sunglasses, and looks at Kay.
JAY
The difference between you and me?
He slips on the sunglasses.
JAY (CONT'D)
I make this look good.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW JERSEY ?EARLY MORNING
We are looking at a telephoto shot of Manhattan in all its splendor.
We see the Orkin van topping a hill, heading towards Manhattan.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?ZED'S OFFICE ?DAY
Zed's office is a circular, windowed room elevated above the main floor of MIB headquarters.
JAY and KAY sit across the desk from Zed. There are five video monitors on a wall behind Zed's
desk, and on each monitor is another Man in Black, in different parts of the world, the city name
and a clock ticking in a corner of the image.
While Zed talks, he goes through paperwork on his desk.
ZED
Okay, let's see.
(to one of the monitors)
Bee, we got the deposed sur-prefect of Sinalee touching
down in the forest outside Portland tonight. I'm pulling you
down from Anchorage to do a meet-and-greet.
BEE, an agent on one of the monitors, nods.
BEE
Humanoid?
ZED
You wish. Bring a sponge.
(going through memos)
What else ?everybody, we gotta keep Rolling Fish-Goat
out of the sewer system, he's scaring the rats. And Bobo
the Squat wants to reveal himself on "Unsolved
Mysteries." Bee, make sure he doesn't.
He turns a page, coming across a red memo.
ZED (CONT'D)
Red-letter from last night ?we had an un-authorized
landing somewhere in upstate New York farm country.
Keep your ears open for this one, Kay, we're not hosting a
galactic kegger down here.
Next to him, his computer screen BEEPS importantly. Zed looks over at it.
ZED
Well, well, well ?we got a skimmer.
KAY
(to Jay)
Landed alien out of zone.
(to Zed)
Who is it?
ZED
Redgick. He's not cleared to leave Manhattan but he's way
out of town right now, stuck in traffic on the New Jersey
Turnpike. Why don't you take Jay? This is a good one for
him to warm up on.
EXT. MIB BUILDING ?BATTERY PARK ?DAY
Jay and Kay come out the front of MIB headquarters.
JAY
Yo, wussup with Zed?
(imitating him)
"Go get em, tiger. We're not hosting an intergalactic
kegger..."
KAY
Zed was saving the world before you were born, son. Show
some respect.
An MIB MECHANIC pulls up in Kay's black LTD and hops out, leaving the door open. Jay sizes
up the car.
JAY
We got the use of unlimited technology from the entire
universe and we cruise around in this?
Kay glares at Jay. He's getting annoyed.
INT. MIB LTD ?DAY
They get in and slam the doors. Kay starts the car and the engine HUMS quietly.
KAY
Seat belt.
JAY
You know, ya'll gotta learn how to talk to people. You
could be a little kinder and gentler.
Kay grits his teeth.
KAY
Buckle up, please.
JAY
Now did that hurt?
Kay shifts the car into reverse. The awesome power of the car kicks in and Jay sails forward,
THWACKING into the dash. Kay shifts into forward and taps the gas, SLAMMING Jay back
into his seat.
KAY
Makin' fun of my ride...
A LIGHTED PANEL rotates into place between the two front seats. Jay's hand falls by accident
on a flashing red button in the panel.
KAY
Jay. The button?
JAY
Yeah?
KAY
Never push the button, Jay.
Jay jerks his hand away.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY ?SIDE OF THE ROAD ?DAY
The LTD is now stopped by the side of the road, dust swirling around it. Ahead of it, another car
has pulled over. Kay gets out, Jay follows a moment later, shaky-legged. Kay walks up to the
window of the car they've stopped. The DRIVER, a guy in his mid-thirties with a WIFE in her
mid-thirties, rolls the window down.
KAY
License and registration, please.
The Driver hands over some documents. Kay flips through them.
Kay (CONT'D)
Other license and registration, please.
The guy digs out two other cards and hands those over. Jay peers over Kay's shoulder.
The photographs on the "RESIDENT ALIEN ID"cards are of two friendly-looking reptile types,
husband and wife, smiling atthe camera, their long, skinny tongues dangling in a friendly sort of
way.
Kay hands them back.
Kay (CONT'D)
Your resident card has you restricted to the five boroughs
only. Where do you think you're going?
REDGICK
It's my wife! She's ?she's ?well, look!
Kay leans down and looks in the window. MRS. REDGICK is in front, MOANING in pain,
holding her swollen belly. Kay straightens up, fast.
KAY
Oh God. How soon?
Mrs. Redgick SCREAMS in pain. Real soon. For the first time since we've seen him, Kay is
nervous.
Kay (CONT'D)
Okay. All right. No big deal.
(to Jay)
You handle it.
JAY
Me?
KAY
Sure, it's easy, you just sorta ?catch.
Mrs. Redgick SCREAMS again. Redgick gets out of the car, worried.
REDGICK
Are you sure he knows what he's doing?
KAY
Yeah, hell, sure, he does this all the time. C'mon, let him
work, Redgick, I wanna ask you something.
Kay gives Jay a supportive SLAP on the back and leads Redgick away, to the rear of the car. Jay
stays in the background and opens the rear door, tentatively. He leans down, into the car.
JAY
Oh God! I see it I see it I see it!
A few yards from the car, Kay turns Redgick to face him.
KAY
Croagg the Midwife's back on 64th and 8th. You were
headed out of town.
REDGICK
Well, we're, uh ?meeting someone.
Suddenly a TENTACLE whips out from between Mrs. Redgick's legs, CRACKS the whip once,
and wraps around the door post, grabbing hold.
JAY
Oh sweet Jesus Mother of God did you see that?!
KAY
(still to Redgick)
So? Who you meeting?
REDGICK
Well, it's ?a ship.
KAY
Really? I didn't see a departure clearance for today.
REDGICK
You didn't? Uh, well ?it was an emergency.
Now a SECOND TENTACLE whips out, but this one wraps around Jay's neck and pulls tight.
He GASPS, choking.
JAY
Guys ?guys ?
KAY
Doin' fine, Ace.
(back to Redgick)
What kind of emergency? What's the rush to get off the
planet all of a sudden?
JAY
(choking to death)
Help?! HELP! Hello?!
He starts tugging for all he's worth, but the fight is sort of going against him, as the tentacles
pull him in even harder than he tries to pull the baby out.
REDGICK
We just don't like the neighborhood anymore. Some of the
?new arrivals.
Redgick looks at Kay, clearly concealing something, but darts his eyes away.
KAY
What new arrivals? This have anything to do with the
crasher from last night?
JAY
(screaming)
Can you guys do this later?!
But in that moment, Jay finally gets a foot up on the door frame, acquires leverage, and RIPS the
baby free. He falls, flat on his back in the dirt, the multi-tentacled lizardlike baby resting
squarely on his chest.
JAY (CONT'D)
Oh ?oh ?oh ?man.
Kay turns and claps Redgick on the back.
KAY
Congratulations! It's a lizard.
Jay looks down at the creature COOING and nestling on his chest.
JAY
(misty)
Hey, you know, it is sorta ?
It vomits on him.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY ?SIDE OF THE ROAD ?MIB LTD ?DAY
Back in the car, Jay wipes the last of the puke off his suit while Kay starts up the car.
KAY
Anything about that seem unusual to you?
Jay just looks at him, very Jack Benny.
JAY
Pick.
KAY
What kind of "new arrival" would scare Redgick so bad
that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?
(thinks)
Let's check the hot sheets.
EXT. NEWSSTAND ?DAY
CLOSE ON on various supermarket tabloids as a hand flips through them. There are headlines
like "POPE A FATHER!"and "TOP DOCTORS BAFFLED ?BABY BORN PREGNANT!" and
"MAN EATS OWN HOUSE!" (the subhead on that one is "And That's Just the Appetizer, Says
Neighbor.")
Kay and Jay are at a downtown newsstand. Kay is furiously searching through the tabs; Jay is
standing behind him, a little embarrassed.
JAY
These are the hot sheets?
Kay pulls a copy of the Weekly World News from the stand and gives the guy a buck.
KAY
Best damn investigative reporting on the planet. But hey,
go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get
lucky sometimes.
JAY
You're actually looking for tips in a supermarket tabloid?
KAY
Not looking for. Found.
He SMACKS the paper down on the hood in front of Jay, the pages turned open to a headline in
typeface so large one would think it reserved for the Second Coming:
"Farm wife says:
'ALIEN STOLE MY HUSBAND'S SKIN!'"
CUT TO:
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE ?ORKIN VAN ?DAY
A flap of skin, now getting gray and crusty with age, hangs off Edgar's neck as he sits in the front
of his Orkin van. He sucks as hard as he possibly can on a straw stuck into a Jolt Cola ("Double
the Sugar! Triple the Caffeine!"), one of a six-pack that sits on the dashboard.
Across the street, Edgar sees a short, older man come out of one of the jewelry shops on Thirty-
Fifth Street. Edgar drops the soda and stares.
The Older Man (ROSENBERG), is carrying a cat and an ornate rosewood jewelry box.
Carefully, he sets the box down and lovingly places the cat on top of it while he locks all five
locks on the door to his distinctive shop.
That finished, he picks up the cat, then the box, then waddles off down the street, one under each
arm.
Edgar drops the truck into gear and follows him, slowly, trolling along behind him.
ON THE STREET
Rosenberg walks happily along, HUMMING to himself. He gives his cat a little peck. As he
rounds a corner, we recognize the tune he's humming ?"I've Got the Whole World In My
Hands."
The Orkin van rounds the corner behind him. Following.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE ?DAY
The LTD pulls to a stop at the end of the driveway that leads to Beatrice's farmhouse, where the
alien ship landed. The wrecked pickup truck is still there. Jay and Kay get out, very undercover
cop. Jay starts up the driveway.
KAY
Not so fast. Walk up slow.
JAY
Why?
KAY
Part of the routine. Makes it look like we're sizing up the
situation. Gives her time to get the wrong impression.
Beatrice appears in the door to the house, curious.
KAY (CONT'D)
Puts some fear into her. Makes things go smoother.
Beatrice calls to them.
BEATRICE
Can I help you gentlemen?
Beatrice looks much better than the last time we saw her ?more nicely dressed, a touch of
makeup, a smile on her face.
Kay pulls a black card from his wallet and extends it to her as she draws close. As she reaches
for it, the card reforms into an FBI badge.
KAY
How do you do, ma'am, I'm Special Agent Manheim, this is
Agent Black, FBI. Had a few questions about your visitor.
BEATRICE
Are you here to make fun of me too?
KAY
No ma'am. We at the FBI don't have a sense of humor that
we're aware of. Mind if we come in?
BEATRICE
Sure. Lemonade?
CUT TO:
INT. FARMHOUSE ?LIVING ROOM ?DAY
In the living room, Kay sips some of her lemonade and winces. Jay moves through the room,
checking it out as Beatrice tells her story.
BEATRICE
And they said to me, "If he was murdered, how could he
walk back in the house?" And I must admit, I was a little
stumped by that one. But I know Edgar. And that wasn't
him. It was more like something else that was wearing him.
Like a suit. An Edgar suit.
A little GIGGLE escapes her at the thought. Jay, over by a bookcase, notices a framed PHOTO
OF EDGAR, kneeling in the woods, proudly about to skin a deer.
JAY
Damn. If he was this ugly before he was an alien...
BEATRICE
Sorry?
KAY
Go on.
BEATRICE
Anyway, when I came to, he was gone.
KAY
Did he say anything?
BEATRICE
Yes! He asked for water. Sugar water, if I remember.
KAY
Sugar water.
JAY
Did you taste her lemonade?
Kay nods, puts on his sunglasses. Takes out another pair, hands them to Jay.
Kay draws his neuralyzer. FLASH! Beatrice freezes, staring straight ahead as if hypnotized. Kay
takes Jay's glasses off and hands them back to him.
KAY
Ray Bans.
(pulling off Jay's sunglasses)
Okay, Beatrice. There was no alien, and the flash of light
you saw in the sky wasn't a UFO. Swamp gas from a
weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and
refracted the light from Venus ?
JAY
Whoa! That thing erases her memory, and you give her a
new one?
KAY
Standard issue neuralyzer.
JAY
And that's the best you can come up with?
KAY
On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with on
old girlfriend. Go stay at your mother's for a few days and
get over it. Decide you're better off.
JAY
(butting in)
Yeah, and you're better off 'cause he never appreciated
you anyway. In fact, you kicked him out, and now that he's
gone, you ought to buy some new clothes, maybe hire a
decorator or something...
CUT TO:
EXT. FARMHOUSE ?DAY
Kay is in the hole where the ship landed, investigating. He holds a pocket spectral analyzer over
a section of scorched earth. The analyzer shifts colors. Red. Then Yellow.
JAY
(from up outside the hole)
Hey. Kay...when am I gonna get one of those memory
things?
The spectral analyzer turns blue.
KAY
When you're ready.
(re: analyzer)
Please ?not green.
Purple. And then green.
Kay closes his eyes and sits back, leaning against the dirt. Above him, Jay leans over, staring
down. Kay looks up at him.
KAY (CONT'D)
Do you know what alien life form leaves a green spectral
trail?
JAY
Wait ?don't tell me ?that was the question on Final
Jeopardy last night.
AT THE CAR
Kay snatches up the radio handset and keys the microphone.
KAY
(softly, into mic)
Zed, we have a bug.
He turns off the radio and sighs. Jay stands next to him.
JAY
I'm gonna jump way past you and just guess that this is
bad. Right?
KAY
Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest and
destroy. They live off the death and decay of other species.
JAY
So basically you have a racial problem with all insect-based
life forms?
KAY
Listen, kid ?imagine a giant cockroach five times smarter
than Albert Einstein, four times stronger than an ox, nine
times meaner than hell, strutting his stuff around
Manhattan Island in his brand new Edgar suit. Does that
sound like fun?
JAY
What do we do?
KAY
With a bug in town? Watch the morgues.
CUT TO:
EXT. LESHKO'S DINER ?DAY
Rosenberg, the jewelry store owner, steps out of a cab in the meat-packing district, still carrying
the ornate box and his beloved cat. He heads into Leshko's, a Russian diner.
A moment later, the Orkin van pulls to a stop across the street.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER ?DAY
Rosenberg comes into the tiny restaurant, squinting in the relative darkness. At a table in the
middle, he sees a man eating alone ?an enormous, dignified, yet profoundly strange-looking
man in his mid fifties.
Rosenberg walks carefully over to the table, but does not sit down. The man (an ARQUILLIAN,
and if we're eagle-eyed, we recognize him as the alien on a "diplomatic mission" from passport
control) rises from his chair. He steps forward, to face Rosenberg, who sets the ornate box on the
table. Immediately, ROSENBERG'S CAT jumps on top of it.
Rosenberg and the Arquillian stare at each other for a long moment ?
?and then embrace each other. The embrace has an odd, formal quality to it, like mafiosi
coming to a sitdown. They hold on, long and hard, and both seemed choked with emotion.
Finally, they break apart and take their seats. They speak in a bizarre alien tongue, which is
subtitled. Rosenberg wipes away tears.
ROSENBERG
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible.
ARQUILLIAN
Your majesty, you are in grave danger.
ROSENBERG
Yeah, and they overcharge you every time.
ARQUILLIAN
Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet.
ROSENBERG
A bug? He must know why I'm here.
ARQUILLIAN
We think he does.
(noticing the ornate box on the table)
Is that what I think it is?
ROSENBERG
No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time
to eat?
The Arquillian relaxes.
ARQUILLIAN
Sure. I ordered you some pirogi.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER ?KITCHEN ?DAY
In the kitchen, the Russian COOK slaps two orders of pirogi up on the stainless steel counter ?
COOK
Table six is up!
?and turns away, back to the grill.
A HAND reaches in, takes the plates, and sets them on a tray. We follow the tray, but see only
the right arm and aproned midsection of the waiter carrying it. He carries the tray along the
counter toward a pair of swinging doors that lead out into the restaurant.
The doors swing in as another WAITER sweeps into the kitchen, and our waiter heads out into
the dining area. As the doors swing closed behind him, they reveal storage shelves crammed with
bags of rice, cans of stewed tomatoes ?
?and a DEAD WAITER, literally folded in half and stuffed in among the shelves.
INT. LESHKO'S DINER ?DAY
Rosenberg and the Arquillian raise their glasses in a toast.
ARQUILLIAN
To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire.
ROSENBERG
To the safety of the galaxy.
They CLINK glasses and drink, just as the Waiter arrives. Still, we see only his arms and
midsection as he sets the tray on a stand and lifts the plates of pirogi. He carries them to the
table and sets them down.
Rosenberg, setting his glass down next to the plate, catches a glimpse of the Waiter's hand ?
?just as an enormous silverfish bug slithers out of the waiter's sleeve and scurries across the
table. The glass slips out of Rosenberg's hand, dumping wine all over the table.
He looks up, slowly, and sees the Waiter's face.
It's Edgar. Another half dozen insects of all variety tumble out of Edgar's sleeves and scurry
across the table. Rosenberg and the Arquillian freeze, paralyzed with fear. They seem to know
what dire implications Edgar's presence holds.
ROSENBERG
(in English again)
You can kill us both ?but you will not find it.
Edgar smiles.
EDGAR
You're right about one thing.
Suddenly a long STINGER whips out from under the back of Edgar's apron and zips under the
table. First Rosenberg and then the Arquillian lurch forward their chairs, their faces contorting
in pain.
They both pitch forward, their faces slogging into fresh pirogi.
The stinger SNAPS out from under the table and whips back under Edgar's apron. He moves
quickly, searching their pockets, but he doesn't find what he's looking for. The cat, still perched
on top of the ornate box, HISSES at him.
Edgar reaches out and BATS the cat away with one vicious swipe of his hand. The animal
HOWLS and flies across the room, landing in a WOMAN's lunch.
The Woman SCREAMS. Now other DINERS' attention is drawn to Edgar's table, where two
obviously dead men are being robbed by a waiter. There are SHOUTS of outrage, a few MEN
rise out of their seats.
Edgar grabs the ornate box and tries to open it, but finds it locked. With the furor rising around
him, he shoves the box under one arm and bolts for the door.
Rosenberg's cat leaps back onto the table and SNARLS at him as he goes.
CUT TO:
EXT. LESHKO'S DINER ?DAY
Later, and the Russian diner is now a crime scene, clustered with COPS and flashing lights.
THREE BODIES, now on stretchers and covered with sheets, are being loaded into the back of
ambulances.
Rosenberg's Cat races out of a UNIFORMED COP's arms and leaps onto one of the stretchers,
MEOWING mournfully. The Uniformed Cop turns to a POLICE INSPECTOR who is
questioning the WOMAN from the diner.
COP
What am I supposed to do with the cat?
INSPECTOR
I don't know. Send it with the stiff. Let family claim it.
The Cop nods and follows the stretcher with Rosenberg's body into the back of one of the
ambulances, allowing the cat to ride on the chest of its dead owner for the time being.
The doors of the wagon SLAM shut.
CUT TO:
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
The stretcher with the corpse on it is wheeled down a corridor in police headquarters.
Rosenberg's Cat, still on his chest, MEOWS curiously as the stretcher approaches two doors
with "City Morgue" written across them. The words split in half as the stretcher BANGS through
the doors.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
The city morgue is a crowded, brightly-lit, tiled place with corpses parked left and right. Busy
day in the Apple. The Cop wheeling the stretcher calls out to the CORONER, who's hunched
over another body.
COP
Where do you want contestant number three?
The coroner turns around. It's Dr. Laurel Weaver, the woman who tried to speak to Jay before.
She sighs and waves a hand.
LAUREL
By the wall, I guess.
(noticing)
What's with the cat?
COP
Oh, the cat. There's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Laurel signs his clipboard.
LAUREL
What's the problem with the cat?
COP
Your problem.
Laurel gives him a dirty look, but he laughs and leaves. She goes over to the stretcher and bends
down, petting Rosenberg's cat gently.
LAUREL
Are you having a bad day, baby? Cheer up.
(of Rosenberg)
His is worse.
She sets the cat aside and wheels the stretcher under the lights.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
Okey-dokey. Shall we?
INT. MORGUE ?LATER ?DAY
Laurel is hunched over the corpse, the only light in the room coming from the overhead spot that
illuminates her work.
Fascinated by something, she digs deeper. And deeper. And looks up, her face a mixture of
alarm and excitement.
LAUREL
Oh, my God.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORGUE ?NIGHT
Kay's LTD pulls up in front of the morgue.
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?NIGHT
Two men in black suits hurry down the stairs and into the corridor outside the morgue. They
hasten down the hallway, their shoes CLICKING in perfect lockstep, headed for those swinging
doors at the other end.
Jay and Kay. Men in Black on a mission.
INT. MORGUE ?NIGHT
In the morgue, Laurel has fallen asleep on her desk, her head in her arms. Rosenberg's Cat sits
on the desk next to her, licking its paws. Suddenly, the cat looks up, MEOWING urgently.
Laurel looks up and, following the cat's gaze, turns around slowly in her chair. Jay and Kay
stand in the doorway, staring at her. Kay steps forward, holding out that black card again. It
reforms into another kind of official ID, this time it says "DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC
HEALTH"
LAUREL
(into recorder)
... approximately 112 degrees at time of autopsy,
indicating, quite impossibly, a post-mortem increase in
body temperature. Examiner attempted to verify result
rectally, only to find subject was, uh, without rectum.
Which can only be described as...well...as really...
KAY (O.S.)
Weird? Dr. Leo Menville, Department of Public Health.
This is Dr. White.
She looks up. Jay and Kay are standing there.
LAUREL
Yeah, well whoever you are, I'm afraid I'm going to need
to see some ID.
He hands her his CARTE NOIR, which changes to read "Dr. Menville, Department of Public
Health." She hands it back.
LAUREL
(checking her watch)
You boys must not have much of a home life.
KAY
We watch the morgues very carefully. You've got
something unusual?
LAUREL
I'd say so ?triple homicide.
She gets up and goes to the Arquillian's body, which is still out on a table under the lights.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
The first corpse was perfectly normal, except that he was
broken in half, but when I opened up the other two ?well,
look.
She throws back a sheet, revealing (to them only, not us) the fully dissected Arquillian. Kay
raises an eyebrow; Jay nearly retches.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
There's a skeletal structure at work here unlike anything
I've ever seen.
Kay steps past her, going straight to the body. He begins to examine it.
KAY
I'll have a look at this one. Dr. White, why don't you and
Dr. Weaver check out the other body?
LAUREL
This way, Doctor.
Jay and Laurel cross the room, to where Rosenberg's corpse lies out on another gurney.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
This one's even stranger. I did a full laparotomy. I started
with the lesser curvature of the stomach ?though, if you
want, we could begin at the gastro-esophageal junction.
JAY
I think, uh, we should start at the same place you did.
LAUREL
All right.
Jay hears a MEOW and looks down. Rosenberg's cat is rubbing up against his leg.
JAY
Your cat?
LAUREL
Guess it is now. Came in with the bodies.
She SNAPS one of her rubber gloves and reaches down (out of frame), sinking her hands into the
body as she moves things aside. Just by the look on Jay's face, one can imagine how disgusting it
is.
Laurel digs in, up to her elbows. Jay winces. She pulls one bloody glove out, to wipe a strand of
hair out of her face. He looks at her ?
?and she winks at him. He's surprised. She laughs.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
Okay. Dive right in. God knows he won't mind.
Jay is reluctant, so she rolls her eyes and helps him, taking him by the hand and guiding him into
the thick of the corpse.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
You have very pretty eyes.
JAY
Thank-you, but is this really the time to uh ?you know,
come on to me?
LAUREL
Hey, just walking the dog.
(continuing)
Feel that? Where the piloric junction would be?
JAY
Oh, yes. Exactly.
LAUREL
Now push that aside. Notice anything strange? Stomach?
Liver? Lungs?
JAY
Nope. All fine.
LAUREL
Doctor, they're all missing.
JAY
(quickly)
Well, of course they are. What I'm pointing out is that
there are no pieces of them left. So they're intact, wherever
they are. That we can be sure of.
LAUREL
Have we met before? I have the strangest feeling of deja
vu.
JAY
You know, I was just going to ask you the same thing.
Laurel looks at him sideways, skeptical, but also intrigued. She whispers to him. Confiding in
him.
LAUREL
Okay. You wanna know what I really think?
(re: Kay)
But don't tell that guy. He looks like he's already under
enough stress.
(then)
This body is not really a body, but it's actually some sort of
transport unit for something else altogether. The question
is: what?
Jay just looks at her intrigued.
LAUREL
By the way, stop me if I'm freaking you out.
JAY
No, no...not at all.
After a particularly gross GUSHY sound, he looks away, toward her. She's staring at him.
Laurel leans over and lowers her voice, just for him.
LAUREL
You know what I like to do sometimes? When it's really
late?
JAY
(freaked out)
No...
From the other side of the room, Kay CLEARS HIS THROAT.
JAY (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
He walks across the morgue to Kay, who is still examining the Arquillian. But Jay never takes his
eyes off Laurel.
KAY
What do you think?
JAY
(of Laurel)
Very interesting. Got a real Queen of the Undead thing
goin' on.
KAY
Of the body.
JAY
Great body.
KAY
The dead body?
JAY
Not a clue.
KAY
All right. Keep her occupied. Try not to sound too dumb.
ACROSS THE MORGUE
Laurel is still examining Rosenberg, now bent down next to his head, carefully studying his left
ear. She notices something strange, turns, and calls over her shoulder to Jay.
LAUREL
Dr. White.
Jay, in conversation with Kay, does not respond to what is not his name.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
(louder)
Dr. White.
(still louder)
Dr. White.
He still doesn't answer.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
(shouting)
DR. WHITE!
Kay nudges Jay.
KAY
You're up, Slugger.
Jay turns and races across the room to rejoin her.
LAUREL
Look at this.
Jay leans down. There is strange stitching around the base of Rosenberg's ear.
JAY
What is that?
He reaches out, touches the ear, then he actually turns it. With a soft CLICK ?
?it pulls away from the head. Like a latch.
Jay and Laurel look at each other, astonished. Jay pulls again, and Rosenberg's entire face
PUSHES OUT with a mechanical HUM, then HINGES OPEN, the whole face rotating out away
from the rest of the artificial skull.
A TINY LITTLE GREEN MAN SITS INSIDE ROSENBERG'S HEAD.
Though not quite dead, the Tiny Little Green Man is gravely wounded. He staggers up out of a
small control room inside Rosenberg's head, with gearshifts and viewing screens all around the
inside of the skull.
LAUREL
Far ?freaking ?out.
They lean in closer. The Tiny Little Green Man (a BALTIAN) forces words out of his mouth.
BALTIAN
Must ?to pre ?prevent ?
(searching for the word)
?contest? No...to prevent ?
JAY
It's all right ?What are you trying to say? Struggle?
LAUREL
War?
The Baltian nods vigorously. That's it.
BALTIAN
(faltering)
Galaxy on ?or ?or ?Orion's ?
(thinks)
What is word? Be...?
JAY
Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?
The Baltian nods again, falls, and dies. Jay and Laurel look at the little dead alien, then at each
other.
JAY (CONT'D)
"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's Belt?" The hell
does that mean?
(turns around)
Hey! Kay! I mean, Dr., uh, whatever, come here!
Kay begins over. Laurel looks at them.
LAUREL
"Doctor Whatever"? You're not with the Department of
Public Health, are you?
Jay shakes his head ?but is now paying more attention to Kay, as he leads him toward the Little
Man.
JAY
He's dead.
Kay looks at the mess ?the body, the little dead man.
KAY
Rosenberg. Damn. Good man.
JAY
You knew him?
KAY
One of the few I actually liked. Exiled High Prince.
LAUREL
I was right ?this is an alien life form, and you're from
some government agency who wants to keep it under
wraps...
Kay and Jay are not paying attention to Laurel.
JAY
He said "to prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's Belt."
LAUREL
... This make total sense. How else do you explain New
York? The other night I'm in a cab, this guy...
FLASH! Without even looking at her, Kay whips out his neuralyzer and blanks her out.
KAY
He said there's a galaxy on Orion's Belt? That makes no
sense.
JAY
That's what he said.
(to the dazed Laurel)
Didn't he? Right after he ?
(realizing)
Oh, for Christ's sake, you did the flashy thing already.
LAUREL
(as if awakening)
Uh, hi, whoever you guys are, I'm afraid I'm going to need
to see some ID if you're going to be in the morgue, okay?
KAY
Sure thing, sweetheart. Here you go.
FLASH! He neuralyzes her again. Jay slaps his hand.
JAY
Stop that ?
KAY
(to Laurel, ignoring Jay)
Typical day, too much caffeine, get a life.
JAY
?that thing probably gives you brain cancer!
KAY
Never hurt her before.
JAY
"Never hurt her before"?! How many times have you done
the flashy thing to this poor woman?!
KAY
(evasive)
Couple.
JAY
Aren't you worried about, you know, long term damage?
KAY
(more evasive)
Little bit.
JAY
What the hell happened to make you such a callous son of a
bitch?
KAY
I took this job.
He heads out. Jay follows.
JAY
Hey, you never flashed me with that thing, did you?
KAY
Nah.
EXT. MORGUE ?NIGHT
Jay and Kay exit the morgue and walk towards their car.
JAY
Hey, Kay, I really think I should be in charge of the flashy
memory thing department.
KAY
Not while I'm around, Slim.
JAY
Yeah, well you're a menace with that thing...
An MIB containment vehicle pulls up, and four men dressed in black suits get out.
KAY
(to an MIB Agent)
We've got two dead aliens in there, and a deputy medical
coroner in need of a new memory.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK ALLEY ?NIGHT
The Orkin van is parked in an alleyway somewhere downtown. From inside, throaty WAILS of
frustration can be heard. Two PASSERSBY hear the racket and hesitate, wondering if they
should get involved.
But an inhuman GROWL rattles the whole van and they wise up, hurrying on their way.
INT. ORKIN VAN ?NEW YORK ALLEY ?NIGHT
Inside the van, the ornate rosewood box is now battered and scarred, its various locks holding
tight against Edgar's repeated attempts to claw his way into it. Crammed into the back of the van
along with his spaceship, Edgar wedges a screwdriver into the thin opening between the top and
the rest of the box and SMACKS it with his right fist. Nothing doing.
He BELLOWS in rage and hurls the box against the side of the van, where it finally CRACKS a
hinge. Edgar snaps it up, pries the rest of the hinge off with the screwdriver, and wrenches the
top off the box.
Inside, there are dozens of precious, glittering diamonds, which he promptly tosses aside as
worthless. But the rest of the box is empty.
EDGAR
No. No, NO, NO, NOOOO!
He rips the box apart with his bare hands. There's nothing else there.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING ?MAGIC HOUR
As lower Manhattan is waking up, Jay and Kay enter the building.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?EARLY MORNING
Despite the early hour, the headquarters is going full-blast. The large screen displays the
familiar grouping of stars that is the CONSTELLATION ORION.
Jay and Kay hurry in ?Kay peels off to one of the monitors; Jay heads for Zed.
JAY
Doesn't anybody believe in sleep around here?
ZED
The twins keep us on Alpha Centaurian time ?a 37-hour
day. Give it a few months ?you'll get used to it. Or you'll
have a psychotic episode.
He points up at the screen with a laser pencil.
ZED
Here's Orion; the brightest grouping of stars in the
northern sky...
(pointing)
... and here's Orion's belt ?
He indicates the three stars that make up the belt.
JAY
That's what the little guy was talking about, "To prevent
war, the galaxy's on Orion's belt..."
ZED
There are no galaxies on Orion's belt. The belt is just these
three stars; galaxies are huge, made up of billions of stars.
(switches off the laser pointer)
You heard wrong.
JAY
You're attracted to me, aren't you?
Jay starts to cross over to ANOTHER MONITOR, where Kay is sitting alone, tie loosened,
slightly disheveled. On the screen, the word "SEARCHING" blinks, encouraging patience. The
image changes to a satellite view of North America, which quickly zooms in on the Southwest.
On screen, the satellite view zooms down to Arizona, then a city, then a neighborhood, then a
block, then a back yard. The printout changes to "SUBJECT ACQUIRED."
The image comes into sharp focus on one back yard in particular, where we get a good look at a
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
"SUBJECT: ELIZABETH ANN RESTON
PRESENT LOCATION: RESIDENCE 553 FAIRFIELD AVE./TEMPE/AZ"
Whoever Elizabeth Ann Reston is, she's lovely. She's setting a picnic table in her back yard at the
moment, unaware that she's being watched by an eye in the sky ?just as Kay is unaware that Jay
is standing behind him.
Jay notices the monitor with the Middle-aged Woman on it. He looks at Kay's expression, then
back at the monitor.
JAY
Pretty lady...
Kay clicks off the picture of her. Jay drags a chair and sits down.
JAY (CONT'D)
You were the guy with the flowers in the photo, (the night
the aliens arrived.) (What, you were on your way to a
dance or something and you got lost? And she never got
those flowers, did she?)
Kay doesn't answer, just stares at the screen. Elizabeth looks up, as if she knows she's being
watched, but she's just looking at the sky, wondering how many stars'll be out tonight.
Jay (CONT'D)
Grumpy Guy's story comes into focus. She ever get
married?
KAY
No.
It's more than Kay can bear. He reaches out and flicks a switch. The monitor goes blank, except
for a data screen:
"SUBJECT LOST"
Kay sits back in the chair and eats a potato chip morosely. Jay looks at him: "Is this me in thirty
years?" A moment goes by. Finally:
JAY
Well, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have ?
KAY
Try it.
ZED (O.S.)
Kay.
Jay and Kay cross back toward the LAD (Landed Alien Display), where each of the thousand or
so Aliens who live on earth are represented by a flickering LIGHT.
Some lights are starting to go out.
KAY
(quietly, with dread)
They're leaving.
ZED
We've had twelve jumps in the last hour. Redgick was just
the beginning.
JAY
What do they know that we don't know?
Kay looks to his partner, then to the screen. Another light flickers out.
KAY
Why do rats desert the ship?
(to the twins)
Go to Lem Sat IV. Put up a forty-field view of Manhattan.
ON THE SCREEN
New York City is just a bright spot of light on the Eastern coast of the United States.
KAY (CONT'D)
Four hundred.
Now there's a view of the earth from space. Nothing unusual.
KAY (CONT'D)
Four thousand.
Now we're looking at earth from far, far away ?and from here we can see something that doesn't
belong in this picture:
A BATTLE CRUISER far off to one side of the earth. The words "LEVEL FOUR" flash in red
letters on one side of the map.
KAY (CONT'D)
That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.
JAY
And we've got a dead Arquillian prince.
A COMMUNICATION STARTS COMING OVER THE SPEAKERS ?a sound like a cat and
mouse caught in a blender.
KAY
Message coming in.
The communication continues.
Kay (CONT'D)
Speak of the devil.
The communication continues.
JAY
They sound pissed.
ZED
(to the twins)
Translate that and step on it!
(to Kay)
Meanwhile get down to Rosenberg's store and see what you
can turn up.
Kay and Jay walk away.
ZED (CONT'D)
And Kay ?take a lot of fire power.
IN THE EQUIPMENT LOCKER
Kay pulls out the ENORMOUS, MANY-BARRELED HAND GUN. A small, clear, canister
sprouts from underneath it, malicious swirling gases visible through its walls.
JAY
I like that.
KAY
Series four de-atomizer.
Kay pulls out another weapon, the TINIEST GUN WE'VE EVER SEEN.
KAY (CONT'D)
Here. We call this the "Noisy Cricket."
JAY
You get a series four de-atomizer and I get a "Noisy
Cricket?!"
(looks at the gun)
I'm afraid I'm going to break it.
Jay follows Kay out, glancing back to see the huge gun turrets on the Arquillian Battle Cruiser
HUM and WHIR as they swing around into position, pointed down at the unwitting planet below.
CUT TO:
INT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE ?DAY
SMASH! The window in the front door of Rosenberg's jewelry shop collapses in a shower of
glass. Edgar reaches in and fumbles with the locks, undoing them one by one. He gets them all
and steps inside. Out the window behind him, we can see his Orkin van, double parked in the
street in front.
All the gems and jewels are under glass counters. Edgar starts SMASHING the glass, grabbing
great handfuls of jewels and tossing them aside.
Outside, a New York City tow truck pulls up to the front of the Orkin van and starts to hitch up.
Edgar, in his rage, starts to smash anything breakable, even the framed pictures on the walls. He
stops at one particular picture, staring intently at it. It's a glamor shot of Rosenberg's cat,
provocatively posed on a satin pillow. There are a half dozen more pictures of the cat, some
posed with Rosenberg, some by itself. This animal was important to Rosenberg.
From outside, the ROAR of an engine distracts Edgar. He turns around, in time to see the Orkin
van lurch as the tow lifts its front wheels off the ground.
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE ?DAY
Edgar rushes outside as the tow truck DRIVER gets the van up on the hoist.
EDGAR
That's my truck!
DRIVER
And make sure you tell them that at the impound.
Edgar reaches into the front seat of the van and pulls out his twelve gauge. He points it at the
tow truck Driver. The tow truck driver looks at him with disdain, and pulling back his shirt
reveals a mean-looking gun.
DRIVER (CONT'D)
I got worse.
He keeps hitching up the van. Two pedestrians walk past the dispute, very fast, ignoring the
debate, headed right for the shop. We go with them, and realize that it's ?
?Jay and Kay. They stop at the smashed door of the jewelry shop and exchange a glance. Kay
pulls a very menacing-looking weapon, nods, and they step inside.
INT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE ?DAY
They look around and see the recent demolition caused by Edgar. Jay furrows his brow.
JAY
Who robs a jewelry store and leaves the jewels?
KAY
Someone who's not looking for jewels.
Jay moves behind the counter. On the floor is an ornate, empty bowl and a bag of cat food, next
to a scrumptious pillow. There are several PHOTOS OF A CAT on the wall.
There is also a pile of BEJEWELED CAT COLLARS. Jay picks up one of the COLLARS,
inspects it closely, shaking his head.
JAY
This guy had a serious crush on his cat.
Jay's attention is broken by something through the window. Outside, lumbering straight for the
store, is Edgar.
Jay thinks for a moment ?where does he know that face?
Suddenly, Edgar raises his arms, pointing both the farmer's rifle and the driver's shotgun. Before
Edgar can shoot, Jay YELLS...
JAY
Kay! GET DOWN!
And then Jay FIRES, shattering the storefront window, and BLOWING UP A CAR on the street.
The blast hurls him up and back a good ten feet, SLAMMING him into the wall with tremendous
force. Edgar turns and rushes away down the street as Jay picks himself up.
JAY
The bug in the Edgar suit! The ugly redneck from the
picture! That's him!
Jay leaps through the broken storefront window and after Edgar.
KAY
(picking himself up)
Damn it.
Kay runs out after Jay.
EXT. GEM AND JEWELRY STORE ?DAY
Edgar doesn't bother sticking around to continue his fight. He jumps behind the wheel of the tow
truck, starts it up, and hits the gas. The engine ROARS.
Jay sprints after him, FIRING his noisy cricket. He is thrown back into some pedestrians, while
his SHOT...
Hits the rigging between the Orkin Van and the town truck, separating the two. Jay pulls himself
up and sprints after the tow truck, but it accelerates too quickly.
Edgar is just about to turn the corner when Jay leaps onto a parked CAR to try and get some
height. As Jay prepares to shoot, Edgar DISAPPEARS AROUND THE CORNER, and a HUGH
TRUCK backs into his line of fire.
Jay FIRES, the TRUCK EXPLODES and Jay flies BACKWARDS, hurtling through the air and
CRASHING through the window of a car, his rear end right in the woman driver's face.
When Jay looks up, Kay is standing before him. He yanks Jay out of the car.
KAY
We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public.
JAY
Can we drop the cover-up bullshit?! There's an Alien
Battle Cruiser that's gonna blow-up the world if we don't...
KAY
There's always an Alien Battle Cruiser...or a Korlian
Death Ray, or...an intergalactic plague about to wipe out
life on this planet, and the only thing that lets people get on
with their hopeful little lives is that they don't know about
it.
Kay gestures to a group of ONLOOKERS, drawn by the curious blasts from the store. There's
smoking rubble everywhere.
KAY
Don't worry about the bug. He's not leaving town. We've
got his ship.
After gesturing to the back of the Orkin van, where Edgar's spaceship is neatly stowed, Kay pulls
out his cell phone.
KAY
(into phone)
Zed, we're gonna need a containment crew down here at
McDougal, south of Houston.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?DAY
Back at Men in Black Headquarters, the little lights on the world map which indicate aliens'
locations are going out, one by one, about one every five or ten seconds. A WARNING BUZZER
is sounding, over and over, and HUMAN STAFFERS are rushing left and right.
ZED is in his office.
ZED
Containment may be a moot point, my friend. The exodus
continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave
gets stuck with the check.
Zed looks down to the vast floor below and sees the four worm guys with suitcases walking across
the floor.
ZED
You sorry little ingrates!
KAY (O.S.)
What about the Arquillians?
ZED
We've only translated a part of the message so far:
"Deliver the Galaxy."
KAY (O.S.)
No, they don't want much, do they?
ZED
Oh, it gets better... They're holding us responsible.
He looks up at the screen. It reads:
MIB
DELIVER THE GALAXY.
ZED
Another contestant has entered the ring.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET (OUTSIDE JEWELRY STORE)
As Kay puts away his phone, turns to Jay
KAY
All right, kid. The Arquillians want the galaxy, whatever
the hell that means. We need help. A professional. Someone
with years of experience in intergalactic politics. I just
hope the little prick hasn't skipped town.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPTOWN NEWSSTAND ?DAY
The tow truck SQUEALS to a halt at a curb. Edgar gets out and walks away, fast, CURSING
under his breath. He rants, livid, thinking hard. As he passes a newsstand, he grabs the NEWS
VENDOR by the collar.
EDGAR
Where do you keep your dead?
VENDOR
(thinks)
I don't have any dead.
EDGAR
Where?!
VENDOR
I don't know, the city morgue!
Edgar shoves him away roughly. But before he leaves, his eye catches a postcard display marked
"LANDMARKS OF THE NEW YORK CITY AREA." Edgar stares, fascinated, but we don't see
what he's looking at. He reaches out and picks up a color postcard. He raises it to his face,
thinking, then shoves it in his pocket and hurries off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET ?KEY KIOSK ?DAY
Kay's LTD SCREECHES to a halt in front of the kiosk on Orchard Street. Jay and Kay leap out
and Jay spots the Vendor, closing up the shop. He's wearing a dirty cardigan, watch cap, and
fingerless gloves, his face aquiver with ticks and mannerisms. He has a small dog in front of him.
Jay rolls his eyes as they step up to the counter.
JAY
Of course that guy's an alien. That's gotta be the worst
disguise I've ever seen.
A voice answers him, but not the Vendor's.
FRANK THE PUG
You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.
Jay looks down. The voice is coming from the dog. This is FRANK THE PUG. Kay approaches,
motioning to Jay to make sure no one hears.
KAY
You busy, Frank?
FRANK THE PUG
Sorry, Kay, I can't talk right now, my ride's leaving in ?
Kay grabs Frank. He yelps like, well, a dog.
KAY
Call the pound. We got a stray.
FRANK THE PUG
Hey! Get your paws off me!
PASSERBYS glare at Kay, who appears to be seriously mistreating this poor little dog. Jay tries
to explain.
JAY
The, uh...dog owes my friend some money.
KAY
(to Frank)
Arquillians and bugs. What do you know?
FRANK THE PUG
I know nothing.
KAY
Not a thing?
Kay shakes Frank the Pug, trying to force an answer.
FRANK THE PUG
Stop it. Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit
Arquillian. He was the guardian of a galaxy. They thought
he would be safe here on earth.
KAY
And the bug had other plans.
FRANK THE PUG
The galaxy is the best source for subatomic energy in the
universe. If the bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the
Arquillians goodbye.
JAY
Ask him about the belt.
KAY
(to Frank)
Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on "Orion's
belt." What's he talking about, Frank?
FRANK THE PUG
Beats me.
Kay shakes Frank the Pug once more.
JAY
(to a person passing by)
They're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.
FRANK THE PUG
The galaxy is here.
KAY
Here?
JAY
The galaxy is hundreds of millions of stars and planets?
How's it here?
If a dog can smirk, Frank does.
FRANK THE PUG
You humans, when're you gonna learn that size doesn't
matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean
it's not very, very small.
KAY
How small?
FRANK THE PUG
Tiny. Like the size of a marble. Or a jewel. Now if you'll
excuse me, I need to be walked before the flight.
Kay lets go of Frank, turns to Jay, who is lost in thought.
KAY
(to Frank the Pug)
Get out of here.
(then to Jay)
The galaxy's here. It's not on Orion's belt.
Jay suddenly notices Frank the Pug bark at a cat farther down the sidewalk.
JAY
Kay...
CUT TO:
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
In the morgue, Laurel is working at a desk when suddenly Rosenberg'S CAT leaps up onto it from
nowhere, the way cats do, landing right in the middle of the file she's studying.
Laurel jumps.
LAUREL
Boy, when you want attention ?
She pets the cat. As she does, the cat's collar shines in the light. Laurel turns the name tag to
face her.
CLOSE ON A PRECIOUS JEWEL, AND THE WORD "ORION."
As it is written across the collar of the cat.
LAUREL (O.S)
"Orion." That's a pretty name.
From out in the corridor, a bell rings ?DING, DING.
Laurel notices something dangling from the cat's collar ?a CIRCULAR ICON of a strange and
beautiful metal. The center is some sort of hardened, translucent material, light green in color.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
What's this?
She peers into the jewel, and her face washes over with amazement.
INT. ICON ?DAY
It's as if Laurel is sucked into another universe. Her face goes beatifically blank as she sails
through a massive starfield, millions of stars, billions of green, verdant planets, all racing by her
at the speed of light.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
LAUREL
Wow.
Outside, the bell DINGS again. Orion looks up, as if knowing who's out there, and not liking it.
She SNARLS at the door and leaps off the desk, scurrying across the lab and disappearing
under some equipment.
INT. / EXT. LTD ?MANHATTAN ?DAY
Jay and Kay barrel through town.
JAY
So two galaxies have been fighting for years. And the only
people who've been benefiting are a race of creatures
called bugs. Then the two galaxies decide to make
peace...and the bugs send this guy down to make sure the
fighting never stops.
KAY
By killing the emissaries, and stealing the galaxy they've
been fighting about.
JAY
And if we don't get it back before he leaves the
planet...we're history.
KAY
We're not even history. 'Cause history implies there's
someone around to remember it.
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
On a counter in the morgue corridor, a gray, peeling hand BANGS on a bell on a countertop,
over and over. The hand belongs to Edgar, who is carrying his shotgun, concealing it behind one
leg. The morgue attendant, TONY, emerges from a small security cage carrying a worn
paperback copy of Atlas Shrugged and a fly swatter.
TONY
Thank you for making sure the bell works.
Suddenly, quick as a gunfighter, Tony SNAPS the fly swatter down on a BUZZING FLY. Edgar
winces.
TONY (CONT'D)
(to Edgar)
What's up, Farmer John?
EDGAR
A man came in here earlier. A dead man.
TONY
And this means what to me?
EDGAR
He was a very dear friend of mine. And I believe he had an
animal with him. A gift I gave him, a pet cat that means
worlds to me. I would like it back.
TONY
I'll need a picture ID, written proof of ownership of the cat,
or notarized proof of kinship with ?
WHACK! Tony flicks the fly swatter again, sending another bug to meet its maker. Edgar grits
his teeth.
TONY (CONT'D)
?the deceased.
EDGAR
Don't ?do that.
WHACK! Still another fly goes down.
TONY
Do what?
Tony looks down, to where Edgar's hands rest on the counter. Half a dozen cockroaches stream
out of his sleeve.
TONY (CONT'D)
Shit!
He ducks under the counter ?
?and comes up with a can of Raid. Edgar's eyes bug out.
CUT TO:
EXT. MORGUE ?DAY
Kay's LTD pulls to a stop in front of the morgue and Jay and Kay jump out.
JAY
I'll handle this one, you wait outside.
KAY
What the hell for?
JAY
Because all we have to do is walk in and get a cat, it's not
that hard. But if you go in, you're gonna lay your Jack
Webb on her and flash your brain ray in her face and she's
gonna end up with leukemia or some shit. The woman's a
doctor, she doesn't need you erasing half her med school
classes. Take me five minutes.
And he continues into the morgue, leaving Kay waiting outside.
KAY
Two minutes!
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
Laurel SLAMS into a wall on one side of the morgue, thrown there by Edgar. He leans in, close,
furious.
EDGAR
Where is the animal?!
LAUREL
I told you, I don't know, it ran under some equipment!
Over there.
EDGAR
Get it!
He grabs her roughly and drags her across the morgue, toward the equipment she pointed to. As
they draw close, ORION the cat bolts from underneath it, races between their legs, and leapfrogs
over several small cabinets, landing on top of a very tall one with only six inches clearance
between it and the ceiling. A very tough hiding place.
Edgar just starts to turn when they hear the BELL and a VOICE from the corridor outside.
JAY (O.S.)
Hello? Anybody here?
Edgar looks up at the cat's hiding place. No time to get it. The bell DINGS again.
JAY (O.S.)
Hello?
Roughly, Edgar pulls Laurel close and puts a finger to his lips ?"Shhhhhhh."
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
In the corridor, Jay looks around. No Tony, no answer to the bell. He DINGS once more, then
heads into the back.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
Jay comes into the morgue. Laurel is in there, standing right up next to an examination table,
but there is no corpse on the table, just a sheet draped over it. She just stands there, in the
middle of the room, staring at Jay.
JAY
Uh, hi.
LAUREL
(oddly)
Hello.
JAY
(flashes a badge)
I'm Sergeant Friday, from the Twenty-Sixth precinct.
They brought a cat in here with a corpse the other day,
might have said "Orion" on the cat's name tag?
LAUREL
Yes. That's right.
JAY
Right, well, the cat is, uh ?the cat's a witness in a murder
case and I'm going to need to take it with me.
LAUREL
I don't know where the cat is at the moment.
JAY
You don't?
LAUREL
No.
(lowers her voice to a whisper)
Maybe you could take me with you instead.
Jay looks at her.
JAY
Excuse me?
LAUREL
I said, maybe you could take me with you instead.
JAY
Damn, you do start fast, don't you?
LAUREL
I'd really like to go with you. Now.
Jay just looks at her, amazed at the power he seems to have over this woman. He looks over his
shoulder, to make sure he has a few more seconds alone.
JAY
And, uh, why exactly is that?
Laurel rolls her eyes. She seems irritated with him, but it doesn't go with what she's saying.
LAUREL
I just do.
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
Kay comes down the stairs and into the morgue corridor. He checks his watch, then leans against
the counter and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. Waiting.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
Jay is thoroughly enjoying himself, but Laurel seems to be going crazy.
LAUREL
I have something I need to show you.
She looks down, pointedly, in the direction of her waist.
JAY
Now slow down, you don't have to hit the gas like that.
She leans in and lowers her voice.
LAUREL
You don't understand. You really need to see this.
JAY
And I will. But we gotta get something straight here ?I'm
gonna drive. It's not some kind of macho trip, it's just the
way I'm used to doing things, okay?
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
Kay pulls out a box of matches and strikes one on the side. He raises it to his cigarette, but as it
draws close, the match goes out with a sharp SIZZLE.
Kay furrows his brow. Odd.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
Laurel is at the end of her rope.
LAUREL
Look, Stud, I don't know how many more times I'm going
to get to tell you this. There's something ?
She points, sharply, at the examination table directly in front of her.
LAUREL (CONT'D)
?that you have to help me with.
Jay's smile vanishes and his jaw drops as he figures it out. He starts to reach for his gun.
INT. MORGUE ?CORRIDOR ?DAY
Kay raises another lit match to his cigarette, but as this one gets close, a BIG GLOB OF GOO
drops from the ceiling and onto the match, dousing the flame.
Kay looks up, sharply.
Above him, Tony, the counter guy, is stuck to one high corner of the ceiling by an enormous wad
of viscous, dripping fluid. He's dead, a frozen look of terror on his face and the can of Raid still
clutched in his hand.
From inside the morgue, Laurel SCREAMS.
INT. MORGUE ?DAY
Kay races into the morgue just as the examination table EXPLODES into the air, revealing
Edgar, who was hiding beneath it.
Now everything happens at once. Jay leaps back and draws the Noisy Cricket, Kay pulls out his
series four deatomizer, and Edgar holds his shotgun under Laurel's chin, using her body to
shield his own.
KAY
Freeze it, Bug!
JAY
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
LAUREL
(to Jay)
CHRIST, are you THICK!
JAY
How was I supposed to know!?!
LAUREL
What did I have to do, SING it for you!?!
JAY
Maybe if you didn't come on like a drunken prom date!
LAUREL
Oh, that's SO typical. Any time a woman shows the
slightest hint of sexual independence, men just ?
EDGAR
Everybody shut UP!
KAY
Let her go, Shit Eater.
EDGAR
Listen, Monkey Boy, I may have to take that kind of talk in
my end of the universe, but compared to you humans, I'm
the top rung on the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all
right?!
KAY
You're breakin' my heart. Move six inches to your left and
I'll solve all your problems.
Orion the cat suddenly attacks, leaping off the top of the cabinet and landing on Edgar,
HISSING and scratching and clawing for all she's worth. Edgar snaps an arm up and whips her
off. The cat squirms in his arm, the icon jangling. Edgar grabs the icon, holds onto it, and flings
the cat away, across the morgue. The icon comes free, remaining in his hand. He drops it into his
mouth and swallows. He shoves the gun hard against Laurel's cheek.
EDGAR
That's better. Now put down your weapons. We're leaving.
Kay freezes, teeth clenched, gun still in front of him. Standoff.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
Have you ever pulled the wings off a fly?
Edgar cranks one of Laurel's arms behind her back, hard, and she CRIES OUT in pain.
EDGAR (CONT'D)
Would you care to see the fly get even?
KAY
How far you think you'll get without your ship? If that's
what you call that hunk of space crap we've got back at our
office.
EDGAR
Put the weapons down!
KAY
Never gonna happen, Insect.
Edgar backs away with Laurel, further into the morgue, toward a glass window that looks out at
the base of an air shaft. Jay and Kay advance, slowly, cornering him.
JAY
It's okay, Laurel!
LAUREL
HOW is it okay?!
JAY
I mean it's going to be okay!
EDGAR
Don't bet on it, meat sack.
And with that he turns, leaps ?
?and CRASHES right through the window, into the air shaft.
EXT. MORGUE (SIDE STREET) ?DUSK
Edgar, still clutching Laurel, EXPLODES up over a railing.
Nobody looks twice as Edgar, dragging Laurel (with his arm over her mouth), races toward the
nearby busy Manhattan Street.
INT. MORGUE ?AIR SHAFT ?DUSK
Jay and Kay duck into the air shaft and look up ?too far to climb, and the walls are smooth
anyway.
KAY
Damn it!
They turn and run out of the morgue.
EXT. THE NEARBY BUSY MANHATTAN STREET ?DUSK
Edgar, with Laurel, RUNS right in front of a CAB, which screeches to a halt inches from them.
The CABBIE sticks his head out and YELLS something in an unknown language. And KEEPS
yelling as ?
Edgar reaches through the passenger side and pulls the Cabbie out the door (cigarette and
wooden seat-beads and all).
The Cab Driver is still yelling as Edgar leaps in, pushing Laurel in before him, leaving her
behind the wheel.
He removes a POSTCARD ?the one he took from the display on the newsstand.
EDGAR
Take me here.
LAUREL
What???
Edgar just cranks the car into gear ?opening his mouth and swallowing the icon ?and in so
doing revealing a TRIPLE ROW OF SERRATED BUG-TEETH, he SLAMS HIS FOOT on the
gas pedal.
Laurel's head snaps back as the car rocks forward. She has no choice, but to grab the wheel and
start steering as ?
The car screeches out into traffic, swerving wildly as Laurel is forced to make a 90-degree turn.
The car fishtails wildly, swiping an oncoming car as it straightens and heads into the traffic.
The furious Cab Driver runs off after it, still yelling as he disappears around the corner.
A second later, Kay and Jay rush out into the street. The cab is nowhere to be seen. Jay runs into
the street, noticing the wooden beads, the ripped pine-scented green deodorizer, and the still-
burning cigarette.
JAY
They're in a cab.
And Jay starts running down the street, where DOZENS of cabs are waiting at the intersection.
He's running from cab to cab, pounding on windows, scaring the living shit out of people ?
JAY
Hey! Laurel!? Hey!
?but Laurel and Edgar are nowhere to be found. Up ahead the light turns green and the tide of
taxis wash away, leaving Jay on the street. He turns as a car screeches up behind him, its
headlights shining in his eyes. As it gets closer, Jay sees it's Kay in the LTD.
KAY
Stop wasting time. He's not getting off the planet in a cab.
CUT TO:
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?NIGHT
Jay and Kay rush in from the door under the World's Fair mural, and head toward the main
display screen; all around them, the MIB staffers are in frenetic activity in response to the threat
from above.
KAY
(to tech at a desk)
Come with me. Put up a bio-net all the way around
Manhattan; if it's not human, it's not leaving the island.
KAY (CONT'D)
What've we got from our friends upstairs?
ZED
Same thing: "Deliver the galaxy."
KAY
Yeah, well the bug's got the galaxy, but we've got his ship.
He's got to be looking for a way out.
Just then, a loud ALARM wails.
AT THE MAIN VIEWING SCREEN, A GREEN LINE shoots out from the Arquillian ship,
striking a region of planet earth.
INT. MIB BUILDING ?HEADQUARTERS ?NIGHT
?headquarters, where every bell, whistle and light imaginable is going off.
JAY
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY SHOOTING AT US
FOR?!
ZED
Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum,
then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard
week to respond.
JAY
A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
KAY
One hour.
JAY
One hour?
Viewing the screen, it now reads:
"MIB
DELIVER THE GALAXY
OR THE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED...
SORRY"
ZED
To keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians will
destroy the galaxy and whatever planet it's on.
JAY
You're talking about US!
ZED
Sucks, doesn't it?
KAY
Pull up the locations of all land-based interstellar vehicles.
ZED
They're all gone. Frank the Pug took the last ship on the
planet.
As Kay and Zed watch as the machine scrolls through the data, Jay walks back towards the
center of the room, deep in thought. Over him we hear:
KAY
Atlantic City?
ZED
Gone.
KAY
That landfill on the Jersey Shore?
ZED
Gone.
JAY
Uh, gentlemen.
KAY
Epcot?
ZED
Gone.
KAY
Miami Beach?
ZED
Gone.
JAY
Fellas.
KAY
Hartford?
ZED
Gone, thank God.
JAY
Hey. Old guys.
Kay and Zed both look up at once, scowling.
JAY (CONT'D)
Do those still work?
They follow his gaze, up, over the computer terminals. There, on the wall in front of them, where
it has loomed for the entire movie, is the enormous mural of the 1964 World's Fair grounds.
Most prominent in the mural are two tall towers that rise dramatically from the ground, topped
by ?
?the two flying saucers from the very first alien contact. As they stand there, wide-eyed, staring
at it, we ?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
?the real-live twin towers on the actual fairgrounds in Flushing Meadows. A taxi SCREECHES
to a halt at the edge of a fence a hundred yards away. Edgar shoves Laurel out through the
driver's door and follows behind her, still holding his weapon on her.
EDGAR
You're coming with me.
LAUREL
What?! Why?!
EDGAR
It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.
And he shoves her ahead of him, off in the direction of the space ships.
Behind him, abandoned on the front seat of the cab, we finally see the front of the postcard he's
been carrying around. "FLUSHING MEADOWS, SITE OF THE 1964 WORLD'S FAIR," it says,
with a distinctive photograph of the spaceships.
So that's how he knew.
CUT TO:
EXT. COLUMBUS CIRCLE ?NIGHT
Nighttime now, and the city hums along, just another Thursday night. The clock in Columbus
Circle says it's 7:45.
EXT. SIXTH AVENUE ?NIGHT
TVs in the window of an appliance store show a rerun of "Cheers." PEOPLE laugh.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE ?NIGHT
The news ticker in Times Square announces the latest shattering news: "RAIN LIKELY ?TEMPS
DROP TO 60'S"
EARTHLINGS pass left and right, blissfully unaware of their impending doom.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING ?NIGHT
Kay and Jay leap into Kay's LTD and SLAM the doors. Kay jams the key in the ignition, the car
ROARS to life, and he turns to Jay.
KAY
Whaddya say we bag us some bug?
He hits the gas and the car ROCKETS away from the curb.
EXT. CITY STREETS ?NIGHT
The LTD tears through the city.
INT. MIB LTD ?TRAVELING ?NIGHT
Kay turns sharply to the right, SMACKING Jay around. Looking up ahead, he sees the entrance
to the midtown tunnel.
JAY
You're taking the tunnel?!
KAY
You know a better way to Queens?
JAY
It's usually jammed?!
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL ?NIGHT
The LTD races through the tunnel at top speed. It's clear driving for a few seconds, but then they
round a bend ?
?and there's a traffic jam up ahead.
INT. MIB LTD ?TRAVELING ?NIGHT
Kay approaches the line of cars at top speed, with no intention of slowing down. Jay, terrified,
holds on for dear life.
JAY
I told you!
KAY
Jay. The button?
JAY
Yeah?!
KAY
Push the button, Jay.
A LIGHTED PANEL rotates into place between the two front seats, and that red button flashes
underneath its plastic shield again. Jay flips back the plastic cover and JAMS his finger down on
the red flashing button.
KAY (CONT'D)
And you may want to throw on a seat belt.
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL ?MIB LTD ?NIGHT
As the LTD rockets toward the traffic jam up ahead, it begins to evolve, its shape actually
changing. The sides and back extend as some sort of endoskeleton pushes the "normal" panels
out. It becomes a larger, wirier machine, held together by an elaborate series of mechanical
muscles and metallic tendons.
Kay's car hurtles toward certain death in the traffic jam, but at the last possible moment it
swerves off to the side, a SUCKING SOUND coming from underneath it.
Instead of banging off the wall of the tunnel, the LTD actually clings to it. It swerves up, onto the
wall and hangs there, racing by the traffic below.
It keeps going, turning all the way over and driving upside down, wheels clinging to the roof of
the tunnel.
INT. MIB LTD ?TRAVELING ?NIGHT
Jay falls from his seat with a CLUNK, onto the upside down ceiling of the car. Balled up on the
back of his neck, he peers out the window as they tear through the tunnel, ZOOMING over the
bottlenecked traffic underneath.
As they race through the tunnel, they have a minute to kill.
KAY
Mind if I smoke?
JAY
What?!?
KAY
In the car, I mean.
JAY
I don't care!!
KAY
Hey, just a common courtesy. It bothers some people if you
smoke in a car.
He lights a cigarette and blows the smoke out leisurely, one hand on the wheel, just waiting out
the tunnel. Jay gives up struggling to right himself and closes his eyes, suffering through this.
EXT. MIB LTD ?TRAVELING ?NIGHT
From outside the car, we watch it rocket along on the roof of the tunnel. We can hear KAY'S
VOICE as he goes on. And on.
KAY
Yeah, it's harder and harder to smoke anywhere these
days. Hell, I suppose I should quit. I've tried. Never took,
though. I'm beginning to think I lack self-control.
And they disappear out the other end of the tunnel ?
INT. MIB LTD ?TRAVELING ?NIGHT
?and flip over, BANGING back down onto the road on the other side. Jay falls off the ceiling
and SLAMS into his seat.
KAY
Well, back to work.
He flips his cigarette out the window and cranks the wheel to the left.
EXT. MIDTOWN TUNNEL ?TOLL BOOTH ?NIGHT
Approaching a toll booth, the LTD shoots across nine lanes of traffic and through the only open
booth, SHATTERING the gate. Traveling at about two hundred miles an hour, Kay nonchalantly
flips a token out the window ?
?and it CHINKS in the basket as their taillights disappear.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?LANDING TOWER ?NIGHT
Edgar climbs the outside of the landing tower of one of the space ships, pushing Laurel up ahead
of him, headed for the saucer at the top.
LAUREL
Come on, let me go, you don't want to eat me. I'm a very
important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess,
even. There are those who worship me, yes. I'm not trying
to impress you with this, I'm just letting you know. It could
start a war.
EDGAR
Good. War means food for my family, all seventy-eight
million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, your
highness.
LAUREL
You're a wonderful dad.
And with that she KICKS him squarely in the face. He reels, momentarily losing his grip on her.
She takes advantage of the moment and FLINGS HERSELF out, into the air.
Edgar flails, but she is beyond his reach. She falls, tumbling through the air ?
?and lands in the branches of a tree. She hits hard, the branches rattling, and reaches out and
hangs on for dear life, high above the ground.
Above, Edgar just keeps climbing.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
Over at the fence, the LTD comes to a looooong, skidding stop at the fairgrounds.
AT THE TRUNK
Jay and Kay flip open the trunk and scarf up whatever weapons look most dangerous. Kay grabs
a black box, UNSNAPS a row of latches, and opens it, revealing ?
?the most wicked-looking shotgun on the planet.
Three feet long, triple-barreled, over and under and under, plus a pump action reloader on top
of a storage clip for a dozen more shells. The shells themselves are solid, glistening like polished
steel. Kay loads up the clip.
JAY
You know how to work that?
Kay pumps it once, with extreme confidence.
KAY
No idea whatsoever.
He SLAMS the trunk, revealing the flying saucers sitting atop their columns in the distance.
KAY (CONT'D)
Let's bag us some bug.
As if on cue, one of the saucers begins to HUM. Then it starts to spin, faster and faster. The ship
begins to rise.
JAY
Oh, shit.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?TREE ?NIGHT
Laurel sits in her tree, watching with amazement.
EXT. SHEA STADIUM ?NIGHT
At Shea Stadium, a Mets game is in progress. Behind the home plate side, the flying saucer
silently rises up in the night sky, plainly visible.
But at that very moment, the batter CRACKS into a fastball, hard. The crowd rises to its feet,
SHOUTING, staring out at center field, where the ball is headed.
All eyes in the house are on the Mets' CENTER FIELDER, except for his eyes, which are on the
flying saucer behind home plate. His eyes widen, his jaw drops ?
?and the catchable ball sails over his head, THUDDING into the wall behind him. The crowd
BOOS viciously.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
Kay raises the weapon he took from the trunk; looks over at Jay.
KAY
Set it to pulsar level five, sub-sonic implosion factor ?
JAY
What?
KAY
Press the little green button, on three.
Jay raises his weapon; they press their green buttons.
KAY (CONT'D)
One... two...
They pull their triggers.
For a moment, nothing happens, as if it were a misfire. But then, there is a VACUUM WHUMP,
like all the air in the immediate area being sucked into a space the size of a dime, and a
tremendous shock wave rolls out from the barrel of the guns.
Jay and Kay are sucked to the ground by the bizarre force, THUDDING to their stomachs like
magnets to a refrigerator.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
The shock waves wrinkle across the open space between them and the ship, then it HITS the ship
?
?and it too is sucked back down. Hurtling back toward them.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE ?NIGHT
She flinches as the flying saucer shoots overhead.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
The saucer CRASHES through the Unisphere, an enormous steel globe, and THUDS to the
earth, CRASHING through brush, dirt and rock...
Jay and Kay come to their feet...
In front of them, the dust clears... Trees uprooted, stones and dirt thrown everywhere...a
dumpster has been cast to their left...
And the saucer is there, embedded in the earth, tipped off-kilter in a mound of debris...
A hatch comes up...revealing Edgar, walking slowly toward them, with contained fury.
EDGAR
You don't get it. I've won. It's over.
KAY
You are under arrest for violating number 4-1-53 of the
Tycho accord. Please hand over any galaxy you might be
carrying.
EDGAR
You milk-suckers! You don't matter! In a few seconds you
won't even be matter!
KAY
Move away from the vehicle and put your hands on your
head.
He pumps the gun for emphasis.
EDGAR
Put my hands on my head?
Edgar stares at him. Then flexes his arms, still encased in flesh. His giant pincers RIP free of the
rotting skin.
He extends both pincers to the sides, and, my God, his reach must be twelve feet across.
Now the skin and clothes on Edgar's legs begins to CRACK and SHRED. They BURST APART,
revealing two hideous, doubled-over insect legs. The bug raises himself aloft on his legs.
He sucks in a deep breath of air, and now the rest of the Edgar suit goes the way of the arms and
legs. The torso EXPLODES in great rendering of cloth and skin, and finally
Edgar's head simply BURSTS apart, SPATTERING against the walls. Edgar now reveals
himself as he really is: a hairy, bug-like exoskeleton, a scaly tail with a long stinger, a head like
a cobra with elliptical eyes and a small nose, and two horse-like feet with three toes each.
He raises his pincers in the air, resting them on his head. The GALAXY hangs on a chain
around his neck.
BUG
Like this?
Kay and Jay pump their guns and aim at the Bug.
Suddenly the Bug SPITS. And a HUGE, SLIMY WAD OF GOO shoots from him and engulfs
both shotguns. The Bug snorts it back, tearing them from Jay and Kay's grasp, then swallowing
them.
Jay and Kay have only a second to react before ?
The Bug SWIPES at them with the back of his clawed hand, like someone brushing aside a gnat
?and SENDS THEM FLYING FIFTEEN FEET IN THE AIR.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE ?NIGHT
She flinches as she sees them hit the ground. She starts to climb the tree.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
Jay and Kay hit the ground with loud grunts.
JAY
That did not go at all like I had planned.
They look up to see the Bug moving for the second tower ?and the second flying saucer. Kay
gets to his feet.
KAY
This guy's really starting to bug me.
Kay starts walking after the Bug.
KAY
Whatever happens, Jay, don't let him get on that ship.
JAY
Where are you going?
KAY
Getting my gun back.
JAY
What!?
Kay steps forward and yells at the departing Bug.
KAY (CONT'D)
Hey, Bug!
The Bug just keeps moving toward the ladder.
KAY (CONT'D)
I'm talking to you, Bug! You know how many of your kind
I've swatted with a newspaper?
The Bug turns toward Kay. Kay steps up to him, the small human facing off against the giant
alien hug.
EXT. LAUREL'S TREE ?NIGHT
She quietly makes it to the ground ?hurries off to the darkness of the woods.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?ON Kay AND THE BUG ?NIGHT
Kay has himself in the Bug's face, its dripping fangs inches from Kay's face.
KAY
You're just a smear on the sports page to me, you slimy,
gut-sucking, intestinal parasite! Eat me!
The Bug reacts ?cranks open its massive jaws with a deafening HISS, lunges forward, and sucks
Kay into his mouth.
The Bug straightens up to its full height and throws his head back. Kay slides down the Bug's
throat, bending it sideways as he kicks and SCREAMS his way down into its abdomen.
Jay looks on, in stunned horror...
AS THE BUG TURNS TO JAY AND STRETCHES TO ITS FULL HEIGHT and lets loose a
HIDEOUS SCREAMING HOWL OF TRIUMPH.
EXT. WOODS ?NIGHT
Laurel is still watching.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?ON Jay AND THE BUG ?NIGHT
Jay watches as the Bug continues its HOWL OF TRIUMPH...He feels totally defeated. But...
He can hardly believe his eyes as he looks down at the Bug's stomach...
CLOSE ON BUG'S STOMACH
Through the leathery pouch of the Bug's stomach, we can just make out the distended outline of
the two atomizers...and just a few inches from it, a HUMAN HAND is reaching toward the gun...
Kay!
INT. BUG ?NIGHT
Kay, swimming in the Bug's intestinal fluid, tries to make his way to the gun, Holding his breath.
Eyes stinging.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
Jay knows what he has to do. He picks up a good-sized chunk of concrete dislodged by the
crashing saucer and hurls it at the Bug.
JAY
Hey! Come over here and try that!
The concrete THUNKS off the Bug's shell ?he doesn't seem to notice; just keeps moving.
Jay picks up a twisted metal pole and runs at the Bug.
JAY
Stop right there, or I'll start wailing on your waxy, pointed
ass!
Jay starts pounding on the Bug with the metal pole.
INT. BUG ?NIGHT
Kay almost has his fingers around the stock of the gun ?The POUNDING on the outside
distracts him and he turns ?the gun shifts away.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
The Bug grabs the metal pole and yanks it out of Jay's hands. He swings at Jay ?Jay dodges the
blow and falls to the grass.
The Bug slices down with razor-sharp claws at Jay ?
?Jay rolls out of the way, just as the mean-looking claws dig into the grass.
Jay rolls right underneath the Bug's legs. His hand falls on something in the grass ?another
piece of debris, a sharp metal spike, gleaming like a dagger. He grabs the metal spike and looks
up at the Bug's apparently vulnerable underbelly, right above him.
He grabs the spike with both hands and is about to thrust the spike up, into the Bug's gut, when;
The Bug bends its head down between its legs.
BUG'S POV
Of Jay there, upside-down from this perspective, lurking between the Bug's legs.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
The Bug opens its jaws and SNAPS at Jay ?who propels himself backward out of harm's way.
The Bug starts climbing the tower. Jay howls in frustration.
JAY
What are you, afraid of me? Come on! Stand and fight like
an arthropod!
In frustration, Jay screams and throws himself on the Bug, hanging onto its back, trying to drag
it down.
JAY (CONT'D)
You want a piece of this, huh?! Maybe you're a badass in
your hive, but this is New York City. You're just another
tourist here!
The Bug flicks him off with his tail ?sending him SAILING twenty feet through the air.
Jay CRASHES into the dumpster, landing on a heap in front of the garbage.
But, scratched and beat-up, Jay still doesn't quit ?he stands to yell at the Bug, extending his arm
at the creature.
JAY
You're messing with the wrong species, Bug ?
He notices something on his arm...a cockroach running down his sleeve. He flicks it off...
Looks down at the ground...sees another roach...looks over to the dumpster behind him...there
are more of them...a whole mob, in fact...fifty or sixty of the critters, climbing out of a rusted
hole in the dumpster...
Jay has one last desperate idea...He kicks at the dumpster ?part of the side is rusted paper thin
and it kicks apart and crumbles to pieces.
TENS OF THOUSANDS OF ROACHES pouring forth from the dumpster, crawling like a black
glittering river, away from the garbage...
Jay leaps to his feet and moves to the glistening mob of insects...
JAY
Hey, Bug!
CLOSE ON JAY'S FOOT
As he steps on the roach. CRUNCH!
ON THE BUG
As he flinches on the ladder ?he hates that sound.
ON JAY
He smiles.
JAY (CONT'D)
If I'm not mistaken, that was a cousin of yours.
He knows he's getting to him. He steps toward the Bug ?moving his foot over another roach.
CRUNCH! He crushes another one.
JAY (CONT'D)
Whoa! That had to hurt. And, what d'you know, here's
your old Uncle Bob!
He steps forward again ?CRUNCH!
ON THE BUG
He turns around, anger burning in his eyes.
INT. BUG ?NIGHT
Kay's hand reaches closer and closer to the gun...
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?ON JAY ?NIGHT
Jay keeps moving toward the Bug, finding new roaches to tread on ?holds his foot over another
one.
JAY
What's that? Can you hear what he's saying? 'Help me!
Help me!'
CRUNCH!
ON THE BUG
As he starts climbing down the tower and moving toward Jay.
ON JAY
They are moving toward each other in a show down ?Jay moves on, poising his foot over
another roach.
JAY
Ooh! There's a pretty one. That one looks kinda familiar,
don't you think? I know who that is!
The Bug is right over Jay now, jaws dripping ready to gobble him up.
BUG
Don't do that!
Jay stares right back at the Bug. Inside, he sees Kay's hand, closing around the trigger of the
shotgun. He brings it around, pointing up, straight at the Bug's head.
JAY
That's your Momma!
He moves to CRUNCH the roach ?The Bug moves to chomp Jay ?Jay stares up at him,
unflinching...
JAY (CONT'D)
Didn't she ever teach you not to bite off more than you can
chew?
And at that very moment...
Kay BLASTS a hole right in the middle of the Bug's midsection. The front of the Bug's thorax
EXPLODES in a shower of bug juice all over Jay.
The Bug flies into two pieces ?the butt end sailing one way; the head flying behind Jay.
Kay falls out of the Bug, in a mess of goo, gasping for breath, dropping the atomizer from his
slippery fingers.
The other gun sails off into the darkness.
The ICON drops to the ground, rolls over to Jay's feet, and CLATTERS to rest like a silver
dollar on a barroom floor.
He calmly bends down and picks it up. Jay is pissed and starts in on Kay.
JAY
You son of a ?
Kay holds up a finger in a 'wait a minute' gesture ?pulls out his pocket phone and hits a number.
KAY
Zed. Get a message to the Arquillians. We have the galaxy.
INT. MIB HEADQUARTERS ?NIGHT
Zed is standing at the console, a smile on his face. He glances over at the console that displays
alien arrivals and departures on the earth. The red lights are coming back on.
ZED
I think the word's already out. Our friends are coming
back.
(then)
Got an authorized landing at Times Square. You and Jay
check it out on the way back... And pick me up one of those
soft pretzels, while you're at it. Extra salt. I feel like
celebrating.
EXT. WORLD'S FAIR ?NIGHT
Kay flips the phone closed.
KAY
You were saying?
JAY
Getting eaten!? That was your plan!?
KAY
(shrugs)
Worked.
As they argue, behind them, unseen, THE FRONT HALF OF THE BUG RAISES ITSELF UP on
its forearms, eyes gleaming with hate, jaws dripping ?ready to lower itself onto Kay and Jay.
JAY
After I got the shit beat out of me!
KAY
And I almost got digested. It goes with the job.
JAY
You coulda told me what you were doing.
KAY
There wasn't time, sport!
HISSS! The Bug attacks, swinging its head down on them. They turn to see it, and just before the
jaws snap down on their heads...
BOOM! The Bug's head explodes into a million bits. Bug juice showers down everywhere,
bucketsful of goo drenching Kay and Jay even further.
They turn to see...
Laurel standing behind the dead Bug, the other atomizer in her hands, the barrel smoking, the
weapon and Laurel dripping the Bug innards.
LAUREL
Interesting job you guys got.
ON THE SKY
Bits of Bug juice still flying through the air.
INT. A CAR ON THE ADJOINING FREEWAY ?NIGHT
The driver sees something tumbling toward the windshield. He winces.
?AND THE BUG'S REMAINS SPLAT AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD.
The driver grimaces at the mess.
DRIVER
Damn bugs.
He reaches down and hits a button. Wiper fluid squirts onto the windshield and the wipers spread
the bug goo everywhere.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIB BUILDING ?NIGHT
Kay's LTD is parked outside Men in Black headquarters. LAUREL leans her back against the
car. We see Jay and Kay walking away in the distance.
JAY
Look, I know we got rules, but she did just bust the Bug for
us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her.
Kay pulls out the neuralyzer.
JAY
Who's she gonna tell, anyway? She only hangs out with
dead people.
KAY
Not her. Me.
(looking up at the sky)
They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never just look
anymore and they're beautiful.
JAY
Kay, you're scaring your partner.
KAY
I haven't been training a partner ?I've been training a
replacement.
JAY
Oh no, I can't do this job by myself.
LAUREL
(walking towards them)
Hey, guys, we're nowhere near my apartment. We're not
even on the right island.
KAY
Maybe you won't have to.
Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.
KAY
Days. Months. Years. Always face it forwards.
He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay
resists.
KAY
I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach.
That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses.
KAY
See you around, sport.
Jay raises the neuralyzer. With a brilliant FLASH, the screen turns white.
JAY
No, you won't.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND ?DAY
CLOSE ON various tabloid headlines as a hand flicks through them. Here's one:
"Mets' Centerfielder Says:
'UFO MADE ME MISS HOME RUN BALL!'"
And here's another one:
"DETROIT HAS CAR THAT DEFIES GRAVITY!
Secret Tests in N.Y.'s Tunnel"
And a third:
"MAN AWAKENS FROM 30-YEAR COMA
Returns to Girl He Left Behind"
A large photograph shows a smiling Kay, arm-in-arm with ELIZABETH RESTON, his long-lost
fiancee, in her back yard in Tempe, Arizona.
She holds a large bouquet of flowers, the same kind he brought but never gave her thirty years
ago.
Jay, who's reading the paper, smiles.
AT THE CURB
Jay hurries back to the LTD with the newspapers. ELLE, (formerly Laurel), is waiting, leaning
against the hood. Tailored black suit. Black shoes. Short-cropped hair. The look never looked
better.
ELLE
Zed called. The High Consulate of Regent-9 emissary
wants floor seats to the Knicks ?Bulls game.
JAY
I'll talk to Dennis Rodman, it's his damn planet.
ELLE
Let's roll.
Both car doors SLAM, Jay drops it in gear, and the LTD BLASTS away from the curb.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY BLOCK ?DAY
The LTD is just one of many cars in a jam-packed Manhattan city block.
FROM UP IN THE CLOUDS
Manhattan itself is just part of a much larger urban and suburban sprawl.
FROM THE STRATOSPHERE
The east coast of the United States is just part of a much larger land mass.
FROM THE EOSPHERE
North America is just a small portion of the planet Earth.
FROM SPACE
Earth is just a tiny ball in our solar system.
FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE MILKY WAY
Our solar system is just a few blips of light in a vast star field.
FROM OUTSIDE OUR GALAXY
The Milky Way is just a creamy spiral amid innumerable other creamy spirals.
FROM THE OUTER REACHES OF THE UNIVERSE
There seems to be an edge to what we see, a curved border that seems to close in on things
around the perimeters, until everything that exists seems to be contained in one tiny ball ?
?which is actually a marble resting on a strange-looking patch of red dirt.
An ALIEN HAND reaches down and flicks the marble, sending it skittering and bouncing across
the dirt, where it CLICKS into a dozen other big blue balls just like it.
FADE OUT
THE END
MeninBlack.txt